I just finished Remember God by Annie F. Downs.
OH MY GOODNESS!
The way she is honest and vulnerable with her story makes me cry.
Her story speaks to my story in that I also wonder if He is truly good and truly kind. If He doesn’t just tell me what I want to hear without any plans of following through with what He says. If the things I hope are in His script for my life, aren’t simply just vapors of hope.
I had hoped to go back to hospital nursing a year ago, and it seems like every step forward meets two steps back. I’m still moving forward just a whole lot slower than I had hoped or envisioned.
I had hoped to be overseas at this point, but my car accident threw a wrench in those plans 21 months ago.
At times like these, I return to the question that’s been mulling in my brain for the last 21 months-is God good? Annie takes it a little further-is God kind?
If I’m being honest, I still struggle with this. At times, I see God’s goodness, but the longer I’m in this wilderness, I tend to forget.
Forget how honesty God has spoken to me my whole life.
Forget how graciously He saved me 21 months ago.
Forget how sweetly God has loved through the hard times.
She asked this question that rocked me: Am I fully persuaded that God is for me and He will answer my prayers and fulfill His promises?
Am I fully persuaded that He even hears my cries?
Am I fully persuaded that He is good?
My word for this year is expectation.
We are 10 months into the year, and God is bringing me around the mountain again. Things I had thought I handed over to Him, I realized I hadn’t handed it over in totality.
I’m expecting God to move, but I’m still holding my breath.
I’m not quite believing that the wilderness could end sometime-that I’m not going to be wandering forever.
As I processed this week and listened to this book, God reminded me of the manna he sent to the Israelites in the wilderness. It didn’t look anything like they expected it to.
Maybe the manna doesn’t look like anything I expected it to. Maybe God’s bringing me around the same mountain to cement the idea that He is God.
I think one of the purposes of the wilderness is to desire God above anything else.
A wise friend once said, “if you aren’t willing to let that thing-whatever it is-go,?you desire that thing above God.”
Maybe the purpose of the wilderness is to rediscover the love of God and how sweetly He loves.
Maybe the purpose of the wilderness is to remember God and cling to Him.
This is my prayer during this season-that I remember God. I remember the things He has done. Remember that His plans aren’t my plans. Remember that He is good-in totality. He is kind-completely and effortlessly-no matter how it turns out.
Maybe I’ll go back to hospital nursing. Maybe I’ll go overseas. Maybe I’ll get married. Maybe I’ll move out on my own. Maybe I won’t do any or some of those things, but even in that I’ll remember the manna. I’ll remember that oftentimes, God’s provision doesn’t look like we think it should.
I’ll remember that God is good. He is kind.
He is God.