I have problem understanding God.
I was just in a motor vehicle accident. I was hit on the left side and I am lucky to be alive. God saved me for a purpose and I have not figured out why yet.
So many people were praying for me and even inspired by me. I didn’t ask for any of it but maybe God has a bigger picture in mind.
I hurt. My ribs were bruised, my pelvis and my lower leg and ankle were shattered, and my bladder was damaged. All in all, I’m lucky to be alive but I hurt. It could definitely be worse but it is hard to see God’s mercy when I hurt!
I know God is good but it is hard for me to trust that when I am going through so much. I feel obligated to understand God because of all He has done for me but God likes it when we are honest.
Sometimes, I do not think this is fair.
Sometimes, I think the future is unattainable.
sometimes, I think the road back to recovery is long and hard.
God likes it when we are real with Him because right now life stinks. I was in a good place before the accident. I had just gotten a good nursing job. I acquired a place in a newish city. I had just gotten to a place where it was just me and Jesus.
I have to work harder to get back to where I was previously.
Sometimes I understand Him like when I think about what He has done for me and how far He has brought me. I trust Him when I think about how He has already used my accident to bring Himself glory. A friend and I were talking about how many people prayed for me, supported me, and surrounded my parents in love. That is the way the church should be. I had people praying for me from different continents and all over America. That is how the church should respond, coming together in a person’s time of need.
I can’t be discouraged all the time and that is the key. I know for me it is hard to be positive all the time and most of the letters, visitors, and Facebook posts are all positive. I needed that at that moment or my parents needed that because they felt like giving up at times. There needs to be a balance of trusting God and grieving. You can’t lose your faith in God within your doubt.
Fundamentally, I believe that God has things under control and that He has a bigger plan for this tragedy but it is hard to see the bigger picture. I can see the ways God is being merciful in the little ways. The ways that are more evident. I even think that the fact that God saved me from the wreck, the fact that I had minimal internal injuries, and my fast progress show God’s faithfulness.
I trust that God has everything under control but I can’t see the bigger picture. Everyone can’t always see the big picture of what God is doing when you are looking forward. You can see what God is preparing you for when you look back. God is constantly preparing us through the easy times and the hard times.
It just frustrates me that I can’t see the bigger picture but I know God is good. Through it all, it is me and Jesus.