Toxic Thoughts

I have this very bad habit of lying to myself.

I get caught up in my head, allowing negative thoughts about my abilities, capabilities and attributes to weave themselves into my life.

“You are not good enough or pretty enough.”

“You cannot do that.”

“Well, that was only because you kept bothering them that they decided to hang out. “

“See, you do not know as much as you think you do.”

“They probably do not want to hang out with you.”

“Do not even try because you will fail.”

These lies feed my insecurities and sideswipe my desire to be brave. I begin to second guess my abilities and get caught up in a downward spiral, continuing to believe the statements in my head.

It doesn’t help that I am an over thinker which means that I often read too much into my actions and the actions of others. These toxic thoughts hold me back from being brave, as they affect my ability to be bold in the face of new challenges and fill me with a fear of failure.

The past couple weeks have been a constant battle as the lies fill my overwhelmed soul trying to convince me that I have no idea what I am doing, that I will not fit in, and that I will never be good enough.

I hate failing or doing things that I know I will probably fail at, so it has been so much easier to hide behind my toxic thoughts than to step out bravely and possibly fail at making new friendships, adulting, or even my new job.

In the quiet times I had, I allowed the lies to continue to weave into my thoughts so rather than the quiet being refreshing, it became unbearably lonely.

Ashamed, I admit that I failed at living audaciously because I allowed my fearful thoughts to trap me into being afraid of leaving the security of my comfort zone.

I failed—t he exact reason I clung to my comfort zone in the first time.

Recently, I was challenged to play a simple game of musical chairs. Initially, I adamantly refused.

I refused because I knew I would fail (Musical chairs is not on my list of accomplishments in life).

In my hesitation, I was asked to step out of my comfort zone. My go to response was to blurt out that I step out of my comfort zone all the time. As I began to think about it, I realized that I truly have not been as good at stepping out of my comfort zone as I believed myself to be.

Selfishly, I have always hated doing things that I knew I would fail at. If I was not good at it, I would run the other direction, playing it safe. In the same way, during all the change, I tried to cling to all the things and relationships that were comfortable rather than branch out and establish new routines and friendships.

News flash, I will most likely fail at something or even maybe everything. I cannot simply stay stationary in hopes that I will succeed.

The thoughts that hold me captive in fear of not being enough are lies that need to be rebuked and pushed out of the way.

Instead, I should be combatting them with empowering thoughts which fill me with life.

“You can do this.”

“You are enough.”

“You are beautiful.”

“You may fail, but you will learn how to do it better.”

“You are loved.”

These are the words and phrases that I need to weave into my soul until they begin to sink into my heart as truth.

Somehow, it is always so much easier to speak these truths over other women and people, than it is to speak them over myself.

My challenge to myself through this transition is to remind myself that I am brave, confident and fearless in the face of these lies that attempt to penetrate my happiness.

As well, you, reader, are brave. You are confident. You are enough. God created you with a purpose in mind. Yes, you will probably fail at something, but do not let the fear of failing keep you from stepping out into the world. You are loved.

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