That’s an oxymoron in my life. Often when God asks me to surrender things, I give it up kicking and screaming. I try to take it back soon after I give it up.
In this season, I’ve had to surrender some things like my five year plan. I mean, it got thrown far out the window.
My word for this year was expectation. Within that word, I couldn’t really expect God to move while still holding on to my plans. I tried though.
Oh I tried.
This year started out with me struggling to understand why certain things happened and what the purpose was of moving forward if it wasn’t going get me to where I wanted to be. I held onto some dreams like a drowning person would clutch a lifeboat. It wasn’t until I gave myself permission to ask the questions-Is God good? Does he have good plans in store for me?-that I really started to let go of things. It was kinda a forced surrender because it needed to happen and life was picking up speed.
I let go of my ambitions to return to floor nursing.
I let go of my ambitions to live overseas long-term.
And many more ambitions.
I surrendered them knowing they might not happen. I’m learning it’s hard to let go of things graciously but that’s what I’m striving to do.
Albeit, it kind of helped that so many ambitions were ripped from my hands, so I had few options but to let go.
It’s taken 10 months, but I’m finally at the place where I’m not forcing things to happen.
I’m kind of just willing to listen, hands open, to what God has for me next.
A verse that has been ruminating in my mind the last couple of months is Ps. 25:1 which says, “In you, Lord my God, I put my trust.” This verse just captures the sense of what David was going through. I’m sure he was tempted to fight against God multiple times, but instead of being antagonist towards God, he says matter-of-factly “In you, I put my trust.”
I’m striving to do that.
I don’t know what your story is, or what is that thing that you can’t seem to quite let go.
Simply unwrap your fingers from it.
I don’t know your story, but I know how sweetly God has redeemed and repurposed the dreams and ambitions I let go.
Just tonight one of my girls said, “if it wasn’t for your accident, you wouldn’t be here.”
I was taken aback by her wisdom. She was right. If my life had gone on with my terms-my 5 year plan-I wouldn’t be right here, right now.
I would be missing out on a lot.
I like this version of my life. I like this version of me. I’m going to keep striving to surrender my dreams and ambitions to God graciously. He truly has a good plan in store for me. It may not look anything like the 5 year plan I had but I think it’s better.
So here I am, striving to surrender graciously in my corner of the world that God has placed me in.