In the past couple of weeks, I discovered that my default emotion is fear.
The kind of fear that comes creeping into my soul, insecure thought after insecure thought as I attempt to make my way in this world of interviews, jobs, and relationships. The kind of fears that worm their way into my very soul, specifically when I have not been spending time filling my mind with the truth. In those times, my brain finds it easier to believe the lies than to try to prove the truths.
The lie that I do not know enough. The fear that I am not good enough. The belief that I will be replaced easily by those closest to me. The fear that I will not be able to find a job.
These fears consume my thoughts and run rampant in the quiet of the night.
The reality is that worry and fear in their basest forms are not simply wrong. It is denying that God, in all his goodness, cannot look after the practical details of my life.
I feel out of control in my fears and worries wash over my brain, but the reality is that I am using those fears to maintain the meager amount of control I believe that I have.
Selfishly, I cling to those fears like a lifesaving buoy because they are comfortable. The fears and worries have been my security blanket throughout years of change and transitions. It is terrifying to admit that I routinely turn to my fears before I come before the throne of the One who actually has the power to change or work in the situation that I am dealing with.
The fears do not easily erase themselves from my memory, rather they linger there waiting to flood my mind when I give them the slightest bit of attention.
It is easy for me to quote the verses about God’s goodness and faithfulness when faced with other people’s prayers and needs. The challenging part is reminding myself of these very truths in the depths of fears and worries and needs and prayers.
When faced with other people’s questions and doubts, the words defending my Creator come quickly, smoothing ruffled feathers and speaking truth over the situation, but in the quiet of the night, the same doubts and questions that I quickly dismissed earlier rise to the surface and I begin to question the truths that I graciously spouted off earlier.
Truths about God, His nature, His control, His love, and even His Grace.
Recently, I was challenged to simply read the Bible and focus on the truths that are present there. The only way to get rid of the fears and the worries is to replace those fears with truths for the Word of God. Releasing these fears that occupy my thoughts and laying them down at feet of the One who holds my heart in his hands.
As I continue to fill my mind with these truths about who God is and the nature of His love for me, the doubts still come. I am not becoming immune to the questions and doubts that race through my mind when I begin to quiet my soul at the end of a stressful day.
But as I call out the lies and recite the truth of who God is, even in the quiet moments, God in all of His graciousness, acknowledges my questions and my doubts, but quickly replaces those with his peace.