Tag: disappoinment

5 years…

Posted on by fearlessatheart

Dear Sara,

This is me writing to you from 5 years after that life-changing event. Here’s what I have learned and grieved as life doesn’t look anything like I thought it would, but God is good in the chaos of life.

  1. Nothing is a coincidence. I feel like I already kinda knew this, but I have really felt this lately. It’s not a coincidence that on one of my hardest days, a friend texts me out of the blue or I get a letter that encourages my soul.
  2. We need people. We can’t do life or get through hard things without certain people. I mean, you must choose the people that surround you wisely, but I can’t count the number of times that I was “this” close to giving up, but certain people took me by the hand and walked with me. 
  3. Everybody goes through something, but don’t let it define you. Sometimes it’s more obvious and sometimes it’s more subtle. I’ve learned in the past couple of years that I am more than my accident or brain injury. Yes, I do have chronic pain and I deal with migraines, but it makes me a better nurse because I get it. 
  4. Life is not simply about my happiness or comfort. Growing up, I knew this fact but there’s a difference between head knowledge and heart knowledge. Life is about glorifying God and His desire to rescue humanity. If God can use my story to advance His kingdom, who am I to stand in His way.
  5. I probably wouldn’t have a few people that have impacted my life-my husband being the most significant. I met him shortly after and he put up with me finding myself again before I could offer anything to him. We are still growing and figuring stuff out, but he is my soulmate and my accident put us in the same circles quicker. 
  6. It’s necessary to put down roots so you have a place or people to go home to. Throughout my nomadic childhood, I put my roots into people rather than the bevy of places that shaped my worldview. I’ve always wrestled with the idea of staying vs going. I’ve learned the necessity of walking the tension of both. It’s exciting to go to different places and see exotic things, but there’s also a strange kind of comfort in being known by the barista in the local coffee shops or the guy at the front desk at work. There’s something about being known and seen.

This is not a comprehensive list of what I’ve learned and grieved in the past couple of years, but as 5 years rolls around, I’m learning that I’m a complex person. This is part of my story but not the entirety of it. It complicates life a little, but it ultimately makes me a better nurse, daughter, best friend and wife.

Love, Sara

Prayers, Praises, and Pleas

Posted on by fearlessatheart

Prayer. What does that mean?

The dictionary defines prayer as “a solemn request for help or expression of thanks addressed to God or an object of worship”.

Often times, prayer is just a conversation with the Creator of the universe who humbles Himself to talk to you.

Have you ever thought about that? 

It’s really and truly remarkable that this powerful and wonderful Creator wants to have a relationship with you and with me.

Often times when I am in the pits of despair I don’t have the words to pray. Right after the accident, I couldn’t pray out loud because I was so grateful to God for saving me. I would start crying before I uttered the first words. I wasn’t ever able to collect my thoughts together, but I knew that Jesus knew.

HE KNEW.

He knew how hard it was to relearn everything. He knew how grateful I was for life, but how disappointed I felt about life not turning out my way.

He knew the depression, the joy, the relief, the anger and the vast array of emotions that floated through my head.

Even when things are going well, sometimes I can’t collect my thoughts. When things started moving fast towards this job at OhioHealth, my brain was spinning with all God was doing. While I didn’t have the words to put to my thoughts, Jesus knew.

He knew how overwhelmed I was about this chance. He knew the disbelief I felt because I had taken acute care off the table in my mind. He knew the paralyzing fear I felt about possibly failing.

HE KNEW.

How often do we not pray because the request seems too vast, too impossible, or too mundane? I’ve learned in the past 3 years to make room for prayer even if I don’t have words. The simple act of praising and spending time in the presence of the One who comforts me is enough. Albeit, if I have words, then I present them to God. If I don’t, I simply know that He knows and that comforts me.

Here I am, challenging you to join me in making room for the Creator of the universe in my mundane life. Let me encourage you that He knows your hurt, your heartbreak, your fears, your joys, and your excitements.

Life is Messy, but God is Good

Posted on by fearlessatheart

I have problem understanding God.

I was just in a motor vehicle accident.  I was hit on the left side and I am lucky to be alive. God saved me for a purpose and I have not figured out why yet.

So many people were praying for me and even inspired by me. I didn’t ask for any of it but maybe God has a bigger picture in mind.

I hurt. My ribs were bruised, my pelvis and my lower leg and ankle were shattered, and my bladder was damaged. All in all, I’m lucky to be alive but I hurt. It could definitely be worse but it is hard to see God’s mercy when I hurt!

I know God is good but it is hard for me to trust that when I am going through so much. I feel obligated to understand God because of all He has done for me but God likes it when we are honest.

Sometimes, I do not think this is fair.

Sometimes, I think the future is unattainable.

sometimes, I think the road back to recovery is long and hard.

God likes it when we are real with Him because right now life stinks. I was in a good place before the accident. I had just gotten a good nursing job. I acquired a place in a newish city. I had just gotten to a place where it was just me and Jesus.

I have to work harder to get back to where I was previously.

Sometimes I understand Him like when I think about what He has done for me and how far He has brought me. I trust Him when I think about how He has already used my accident to bring Himself glory. A friend and I were talking about how many people prayed for me, supported me, and surrounded my parents in love. That is the way the church should be. I had people praying for me from different continents and all over America. That is how the church should respond, coming together in a person’s time of need.

I can’t be discouraged all the time and that is the key. I know for me it is hard to be positive all the time and most of the letters, visitors, and Facebook posts are all positive. I needed that at that moment or my parents needed that because they felt like giving up at times. There needs to be a balance of trusting God and grieving. You can’t lose your faith in God within your doubt.

Fundamentally, I believe that God has things under control and that He has a bigger plan for this tragedy but it is hard to see the bigger picture. I can see the ways God is being merciful in the little ways. The ways that are more evident. I even think that the fact that God saved me from the wreck, the fact that I had minimal internal injuries, and my fast progress show God’s faithfulness.

I trust that God has everything under control but I can’t see the bigger picture. Everyone can’t always see the big picture of what God is doing when you are looking forward. You can see what God is preparing you for when you look back. God is constantly preparing us through the easy times and the hard times.

It just frustrates me that I can’t see the bigger picture but I know God is good. Through it all, it is me and Jesus.