Tag: Hope

Daring to Hope 

Posted on by fearlessatheart

As many of you may know, I’m on the launch team for Katie Davis Majors’ new book, Daring to Hope: Finding God’s Goodness in the Broken and the Beautiful, that comes out October 3rd. I loved Kisses from Katie, so when I heard about this opportunity, I jumped on it. I spent the first 12 years of my life as a missionary kid, so Africa is my heart’s home.
This book couldn’t have come at a better time. Almost a year ago, my life changed drastically. I was in a car accident and almost died. Due to a brain injury, my life will never be the same. I wrestled a lot with God about His goodness and will. There are times where I didn’t see much good only hard things. Katie Davis Majors wrestles with many of the same questions swirling around in my brain.
Is God really good? Does He really love us? What do you do when God doesn’t show up in the way that you asked Him to?

These are questions that plague me. 

I wrestle with God, like Jacob with the angel. I pound my fists against His chest, crying “Why me? Why does everyone else’s life seem like they’re falling into place and mine looks like a mess? Why am I suffering, I have been a good person?” When I’m in the pits of despair, I wonder if God sees me. If He sees, how hard I am working. How much courage, just getting through the day, is taking? I grieve for who I was and the dreams I had. I wonder if God is even there.

Oftentimes, in the dry, hard places, when we don’t have a clue what God is doing, or even if He is there, He is drawing us to Himself the way He always intended.

“As I gazed at the rainbow, God whispered to me a deep truth. There is so much beauty to be found in a wound that is healed, in an unlikely friendship that is forged. There is much beauty to be found when the one we have nursed for hours and prayed for many more is healed and restored, or when the child we have faithfully advised and prayed for turns back to the Truth or any other happy ending. But there is also beauty to be found in sitting and praying by the bedside of an ill friend and holding her hand just before she slips away and looks into the face of Jesus. There is beauty to be found in the desperate and many-times-repeated unanswered prayers that have time and again ushered us to His feet. There is beauty to be found in a life poured out in faithfulness and obedience, no matter the circumstance. There is beauty to be found in the unlikely places, but in so many cases, we must be facing the storm to see it. Often, to behold this beauty, to be reminded of God’s promises in such a tangible way, we must turn toward, not away from, the darkness.” Katie Davis Majors  

This book has wrecked my ideas of God and brokenness. Sometimes, God chooses not to answer our prayers the way we want. It’s hard to trust God. It’s even harder to trust in His perfect timing. We often want what we want right now.

Often, He meets us in our mess and even in our doubts and says wait. It takes a lot of bravery to hope that God will say yes, but He might say no. It’s okay to be broken. This world is messy. Tragedy happens, unspeakable things occur, hearts break, but God’s not done with us yet.

 “He uses the bending and the breaking and the dying to prepare the harvest, to prepare more for us. We reach high to the Son and He comes down and pulls us closer. We lift our heads to Him in awe and we know that there might be hard the corner but we can look expectantly even to the bowing and the breaking, even the death of all we have planned, because we know in Him there will always be more” Katie Davis Majors 

So we dare to hope because God has shown His faithfulness. We see God’s provision. He hears our cries. He weeps for us and our suffering. He walks beside us in the midst of hardships. We dare to hope because He is still on the throne.

Choose Joy

Posted on by fearlessatheart

I lost my joy. I am not ashamed to admit it.

A couple weeks ago, I realized that I wouldn’t return to floor nursing as soon as I thought. I could push to return, but it wouldn’t be smart to rush my healing. It hit me hard.

Like really hard.

I picture floor nursing as normal. That, in my head, was the defining factor of being a nurse. That’s what everyone I graduated with is doing. However twisted or false the thought was, I thought floor nursing makes someone a nurse. I hadn’t even been a nurse, a floor nurse, for 6 months.

I lost the will to fight. I thought, “If I can’t be normal, why even try.”

The only reason I made it this far was that I was a fighter. If I couldn’t do something, I would try again until I got it. I was determined.

So when I lost the will to fight, I got more irritable and grumpy. I used the word “stuck” in reference to staying in Mansfield. I lost my joy.

I wrote things because I know I used to believe it or I should believe it, but I didn’t. I hoped by writing them, they would sink into my heart.

I keep saying I won’t be normal again. I wasn’t normal before my accident. I grew up in Africa so that makes me different. Normal is overrated anyway. I won’t be the same Sara I was before my accident, but I’m still Sara. I may have different strengths and hardships, that is inevitable, but I’m alive. I am still making progress. My rehab doctor says it takes about two years for the brain to fully heal.

I’m only 6 months into a 24 months period. I have made a ton of progress, but I still have a long way to go.  

Today, I decided to fight. I gained back my will to fight. My brother says, “Those who say they can and those who say they can’t are both right”. If I have the attitude that I won’t do it, then I won’t return to floor nursing. And maybe I won’t return, but at least I’ll go down fighting.

So I’ve decided to choose joy. Joy is not happiness. Joy is not an emotion, it’s a choice. Joy is believing that God is in control and that God is good. It is to base your joy on something that is eternal.

I choose joy. I’ve decided to get my joy back.

Especially when it’s hard, I need to choose joy. It will not always be easy to choose joy. It is easier to sit in my bed, moping about the fact that I won’t return to floor nursing as fast as I hoped. But, that is not beneficial to me or the people around me.

That doesn’t mean I’m always happy. This is definitely not how I pictured my life going. There are plenty of times where I yell at God, and wondering why me.

I choose joy because regardless of how I feel, I know that God is good. I just lost sight of that for a moment.

Even when it feels so far away, I choose joy.

Being Brave.

Posted on by fearlessatheart

Bravery.

That is a word that I chose  to define my attitude about this year.

Graduation. NCLEX. Adulting. Moving.

As I approach the newest transition in my life, it is getting harder to be brave in the face of seemingly stormy and unknown skies.

Being brave isn’t always easy, pleasant or fun, but necessary.

It tries our patience and challenges our souls to trust.

A dear friend reminded me that it is time for hard and scary and holy things. Her words wrapped up all of my feelings about the next couple months. Hard. Scary. But still holy.

They will not be easy because God is asking for trust, patience, bravery, and growth as I lay my plans down, believing that He has got them.

Being brave comes not from being alone, but from having people around you saying, “You have got what it takes to be brave”.

Being brave means having hard conversations, but knowing that the communication will deepen your friendship.

Being brave shows up when you love someone through the messiness of life, knowing you can’t do anything but listen.

Being brave sprouts out of the desire to accept the love you deserve from the God who shamelessly purses your heart.

Being brave appears as you share bits of your story with people, striving to be known as a fearless Child of God.

In my striving to be brave, I succeeded graciously, and I failed miserably.

Sometimes, bravery looks like admitting that you were wrong and acknowledging that you have areas that need broken down and built anew.

Being brave means being willing to tear down the walls of fear, shame, guilt, and insecurity slowly shattering the hold they have. Only then can God build up walls of courage, grace, love, and confidence redeeming the broken aspects of my soul.

Being brave means acknowledging that there are many answers I will not have right now about my future, but trusting that God will reveal the next right step as I move forward in obedience.

Being brave starts as a choice each and every day-as I seek to more like the One who calmed the troubled waters in the middle of stormy seas.

Seeking My Savior.

Posted on by fearlessatheart

I met someone.

No, this is not what you think.

This is not one of those romantic-I-fell-in-love-at-first-sight-posts. This is about real: I-see-you-in-the-messiness-of-your-life-and-love-you-still kind of relationship.

To clarify, I am not talking about a person. I am talking about the Creator of the Universe. The God who painted the colors of the sunset, and who drew the freckles on my nose. The One who moved the mountains rock by rock and who designed the intricacies of the human body. The One who continually seeks my heart even when I am difficult.

I met Jesus years ago as a tiny tot, but the relationship has ebbed and flowed over the years. Recently, as I sought him more deeply, I discovered his heart for people and me.

After a hard season, where all my insecurities rose to the top of my soul, God romanced my soul.

He sought me as the lover of my heart and I learned that I was enough.

In my insecurities, in my imperfections, in my anxieties, and in my weariness, I am enough.

I didn’t have to be perfect.  I could just be me with him.

I realized that my insecurities were lies that Satan had pushed to the forefront of my mind to distract me from who I was and where I was going. I allowed him to distract me. I allowed him to feed me the lies that I began to believe about myself and my future.

I allowed him to steal my happiness until God sought me out and reminded me where I belong.

Not today, Satan. Not today.

Somehow, in my distance, God continued to remind me that I am his beloved.

His Beloved.

Those are words that have been spoken over me my entire life.  I know what the words mean in my head, but it has been a struggle to truly know the words as they are written on my heart.

Recently, as I allow the truth of God’s word to diffuse over my soul, He has whispered the words “You are loved” over and over again.

You are loved in your imperfections—because I am perfect.

You are loved in your weakness—because I am strong.

You are loved in your fears—because I am the Prince of Peace.

You are loved in strengths—because I created you in my image.

As I sought my Savior, I allowed the depth and reality of his actions on the cross to remind me of the breath of his love for me.

I do not deserve God’s unwavering love, but I am learning to accept it and allow his opinion to dictate my actions.  Slowly, I am learning not to let my insecurities hold me back from being brave.

Learning to Rest in a Hectic Life.

Posted on by fearlessatheart

Rest.

This a word that most people hate because it eludes the idea of unproductivity.

In the “going…going…gone” mentality of society today, it appears lazy to rest and take time for yourself.

Selfish even.

I have learned though,  that rest is not a bad word, in fact, it is necessary for life.

God rested. Why shouldn’t I?

What is keeping me from taking time out of my busy schedule to refresh my soul? What is stopping me from resting my body and soul from the craziness of school, work etc?

The answer was simple.

Nothing.

I offered up the excuses of “I am too busy.” and “Everything is important.”

But the bottom line is if I do not rest, I get burnt out and then all my hard work being productive is for naught because I crash and burn.

Burnt out, I become a shell of a being striving, but failing to thrive.

This semester, I allowed myself to believe the lies that I was okay. I could handle anything life threw at me.

I could not.

Unconsciously, I stressed myself with needing to be everything to everybody, and the people closest to me receive the brunt of my jaded sarcasm because I was not caring for myself well.

I was growing and being challenged by God, but I was not allowing time for my soul to relax and truly absorb all the wise and wonderful things He was teaching me.

This past week, I choose rest.

I chose sleep.

I chose to soak in the sun.

I chose to vacate my life for a week and refresh my soul, allowing God and inspiring friends to pour into my soul.

Rested, I am more productive and energized because I am not stressed out and sleep deprived.

Scheduling in rest periods or Sabbath time will not be easy as graduation looms closer, but the practice of taking time out of my daily or weekly schedule to remind myself that I am valued, loved and cherished by the Creator of the Universe will benefit me in the long run.

By taking time out of my week, I remind myself that my identity is not found in all that I can accomplish.

The catch to taking a Sabbath is that the time that I devote to checking items of a list needs to be effective and useful. If not, I get stuck in the rest/rush cycle that is just as exhausting as working around the clock.

Rested and refreshed, I am prepared to hit the ground running through the home stretch and graduation with the reminder that I need to continue to find time to sit at the feet of the Creator.

Cancer is a Word.

Posted on by fearlessatheart

“Cancer is a word, not a sentence” James Diamon

Approximately 4 years ago, my grandma was diagnosed with liver cancer. At the time of her diagnosis, the doctors gave her six months to a year to live.

My grandma was spunky and tough.

She fought. Hard.

Audaciously. She tackled her cancer diagnosis head on and continued to live her life.

She decided to give those cancer cells a run for their money. She endured chemo treatments, multiple tests, drugs and surgery. She remained strong through all of it. She still made it the many hundreds of miles to my graduation. She put on a good face when around people.

She lived each moment in the moment because she did not know when God would take her away.

She inspired me with her commitment to thanking God for the blessings in her life, not the trials that could bring down her spirit.

She fought the good fight. On December 13th, 2014, she passed away.

A small aspect of the world wept because a beautiful soul left this earth.

She inspired me, because continually trusted God through all of the pain, all of the worry, and all of the trials. She never wavered because she trusted that God knew what He was doing that he had a plan.

God’s plan was not for cancer, illness and pain to exist. Our sin brought on this imperfect world.

The reality of going through pain on earth is that we can look toward Heaven. This world is hard, challenging, and painful.

But Heaven will be glorious.

Worshipping Jesus day in and day out.

My grandma did not fear death because it was leading her to her Creator. Needless to say, it was not any less painful to watch her go.

A year or so later, I still miss her. I graduate Nursing school in May, and she will not be in the audience beaming with pride.

The grief pierces my heart in some of the happiest moments because

I am following in her footsteps, pursuing a career in Nursing, and I wish that she could see me accomplish all that I have.

The grief hits me in waves. Sometimes I will never be the same because a piece of my heart left for heaven the day she passed away.

The reality of cancer is hard and it affects so many people.

As today is World Cancer Day, let us remember the people we lost in this battle, and pray for the people who are currently fighting cancer.

Keep praying that scientist will discover a cure that will help eliminate the problem of cancer in our world.

I will forever remember the brave and amazing woman who fought cancer  for 3 years strength and grace.

I miss you, Grandma.

“Don’t count the days, make the days count.”  Muhammad Ali