Tag: God

Releasing Fear.

Posted on by fearlessatheart

In the past couple of weeks, I discovered that my default emotion is fear.

The kind of fear that comes creeping into my soul, insecure thought after insecure thought as I attempt to make my way in this world of interviews, jobs, and relationships. The kind of fears that worm their way into my very soul, specifically when I have not been spending time filling my mind with the truth. In those times, my brain finds it easier to believe the lies than to try to prove the truths.

The lie that I do not know enough. The fear that I am not good enough. The belief that I will be replaced easily by those closest to me.  The fear that I will not be able to find a job.

These fears consume my thoughts and run rampant in the quiet of the night.

The reality is that worry and fear in their basest forms are not simply wrong. It is denying that God, in all his goodness, cannot look after the practical details of my life.

I feel out of control in my fears and worries wash over my brain, but the reality is that I am using those fears to maintain the meager amount of control I believe that I have.

Selfishly, I cling to those fears like a lifesaving buoy because they are comfortable. The fears and worries have been my security blanket throughout years of change and transitions. It is terrifying to admit that I routinely turn to my fears before I come before the throne of the One who actually has the power to change or work in the situation that I am dealing with.

The fears do not easily erase themselves from my memory, rather they linger there waiting to flood my mind when I give them the slightest bit of attention.

It is easy for me to quote the verses about God’s goodness and faithfulness when faced with other people’s prayers and needs. The challenging part is reminding myself of these very truths in the depths of fears and worries and needs and prayers.

When faced with other people’s questions and doubts, the words defending my Creator come quickly, smoothing ruffled feathers and speaking truth over the situation, but in the quiet of the night, the same doubts and questions that I quickly dismissed earlier rise to the surface and I begin to question the truths that I graciously spouted off earlier.

Truths about God, His nature, His control, His love, and even His Grace.

Recently, I was challenged to simply read the Bible and focus on the truths that are present there. The only way to get rid of the fears and the worries is to replace those fears with truths for the Word of God. Releasing these fears that occupy my thoughts and laying them down at feet of the One who holds my heart in his hands. 

As I continue to fill my mind with these truths about who God is and the nature of His love for me, the doubts still come. I am not becoming immune to the questions and doubts that race through my mind when I begin to quiet my soul at the end of a stressful day.

But as I call out the lies and recite the truth of who God is, even in the quiet moments, God in all of His graciousness, acknowledges my questions and my doubts, but quickly replaces those with his peace.

Bravely, I let go of my security blanket of worry and fear as I strive to believe and live the truths that God has clearly outlined in His Word.

Being Brave.

Posted on by fearlessatheart

Bravery.

That is a word that I chose  to define my attitude about this year.

Graduation. NCLEX. Adulting. Moving.

As I approach the newest transition in my life, it is getting harder to be brave in the face of seemingly stormy and unknown skies.

Being brave isn’t always easy, pleasant or fun, but necessary.

It tries our patience and challenges our souls to trust.

A dear friend reminded me that it is time for hard and scary and holy things. Her words wrapped up all of my feelings about the next couple months. Hard. Scary. But still holy.

They will not be easy because God is asking for trust, patience, bravery, and growth as I lay my plans down, believing that He has got them.

Being brave comes not from being alone, but from having people around you saying, “You have got what it takes to be brave”.

Being brave means having hard conversations, but knowing that the communication will deepen your friendship.

Being brave shows up when you love someone through the messiness of life, knowing you can’t do anything but listen.

Being brave sprouts out of the desire to accept the love you deserve from the God who shamelessly purses your heart.

Being brave appears as you share bits of your story with people, striving to be known as a fearless Child of God.

In my striving to be brave, I succeeded graciously, and I failed miserably.

Sometimes, bravery looks like admitting that you were wrong and acknowledging that you have areas that need broken down and built anew.

Being brave means being willing to tear down the walls of fear, shame, guilt, and insecurity slowly shattering the hold they have. Only then can God build up walls of courage, grace, love, and confidence redeeming the broken aspects of my soul.

Being brave means acknowledging that there are many answers I will not have right now about my future, but trusting that God will reveal the next right step as I move forward in obedience.

Being brave starts as a choice each and every day-as I seek to more like the One who calmed the troubled waters in the middle of stormy seas.

The Uncertain Yes

Posted on by fearlessatheart

My planner is stuffed full of lists, dates, sticky notes and plans.

I like my life organized, falling into boxes that I can set wherever I want them to go. With my lists and planner, my crazy life fits well into the categories of school, work, friends and church. I am rarely unprepared for what is coming next.

Except for now….

In 23 days, I graduate, leaving the world of tests and papers to enter the adult world. I feel prepared to tackle the new challenges that being a college alumni means, but I do not know what that looks like yet.

I have no plans.

Zero. Zilch.

Surrounded by people who have plans, jobs, apartments or weddings.

Then there is me. I have no plans set in stone. I have ideas of where I want to go and what I want to do with this new adventure in front of me.

Uncertainly, I approach the feet of the God who orchestrates my life.

I lay my ready made plans at His feet. Tattered and worn from being pulled out and constantly reworked to fit my needs, they clatter to the ground.

My hopes. My plans. My dreams. My future.

Trust me.

He whispers as He gathers up my well-organized plans in his arms.

I watch as He takes my dreams and plans and puts them aside.

Trust me. I have a plan for you.

I offer an uncertain yes.

To trust that He has a plan.

To believe that He has my best interests at heart.

To acknowledge that sometimes I do not need to have everything figured out.

To realize that taking this risk and saying yes could be the best decision of my life.

I offer an uncertain yes, trusting that my well-worn plans are safe in the hands of the God who shaped my heart.

As graduation looms in the not-so-distant future, I rest in my uncertainty, acknowledging that I am not the one in the control. I relinquish my right to plan my future, rather I allow my heart to be filled with the One who has the control.

I close my sticky-note covered planner focusing my energy on listening for His voice in the chaos and uncertainty.

Seeking My Savior.

Posted on by fearlessatheart

I met someone.

No, this is not what you think.

This is not one of those romantic-I-fell-in-love-at-first-sight-posts. This is about real: I-see-you-in-the-messiness-of-your-life-and-love-you-still kind of relationship.

To clarify, I am not talking about a person. I am talking about the Creator of the Universe. The God who painted the colors of the sunset, and who drew the freckles on my nose. The One who moved the mountains rock by rock and who designed the intricacies of the human body. The One who continually seeks my heart even when I am difficult.

I met Jesus years ago as a tiny tot, but the relationship has ebbed and flowed over the years. Recently, as I sought him more deeply, I discovered his heart for people and me.

After a hard season, where all my insecurities rose to the top of my soul, God romanced my soul.

He sought me as the lover of my heart and I learned that I was enough.

In my insecurities, in my imperfections, in my anxieties, and in my weariness, I am enough.

I didn’t have to be perfect.  I could just be me with him.

I realized that my insecurities were lies that Satan had pushed to the forefront of my mind to distract me from who I was and where I was going. I allowed him to distract me. I allowed him to feed me the lies that I began to believe about myself and my future.

I allowed him to steal my happiness until God sought me out and reminded me where I belong.

Not today, Satan. Not today.

Somehow, in my distance, God continued to remind me that I am his beloved.

His Beloved.

Those are words that have been spoken over me my entire life.  I know what the words mean in my head, but it has been a struggle to truly know the words as they are written on my heart.

Recently, as I allow the truth of God’s word to diffuse over my soul, He has whispered the words “You are loved” over and over again.

You are loved in your imperfections—because I am perfect.

You are loved in your weakness—because I am strong.

You are loved in your fears—because I am the Prince of Peace.

You are loved in strengths—because I created you in my image.

As I sought my Savior, I allowed the depth and reality of his actions on the cross to remind me of the breath of his love for me.

I do not deserve God’s unwavering love, but I am learning to accept it and allow his opinion to dictate my actions.  Slowly, I am learning not to let my insecurities hold me back from being brave.

Learning to Rest in a Hectic Life.

Posted on by fearlessatheart

Rest.

This a word that most people hate because it eludes the idea of unproductivity.

In the “going…going…gone” mentality of society today, it appears lazy to rest and take time for yourself.

Selfish even.

I have learned though,  that rest is not a bad word, in fact, it is necessary for life.

God rested. Why shouldn’t I?

What is keeping me from taking time out of my busy schedule to refresh my soul? What is stopping me from resting my body and soul from the craziness of school, work etc?

The answer was simple.

Nothing.

I offered up the excuses of “I am too busy.” and “Everything is important.”

But the bottom line is if I do not rest, I get burnt out and then all my hard work being productive is for naught because I crash and burn.

Burnt out, I become a shell of a being striving, but failing to thrive.

This semester, I allowed myself to believe the lies that I was okay. I could handle anything life threw at me.

I could not.

Unconsciously, I stressed myself with needing to be everything to everybody, and the people closest to me receive the brunt of my jaded sarcasm because I was not caring for myself well.

I was growing and being challenged by God, but I was not allowing time for my soul to relax and truly absorb all the wise and wonderful things He was teaching me.

This past week, I choose rest.

I chose sleep.

I chose to soak in the sun.

I chose to vacate my life for a week and refresh my soul, allowing God and inspiring friends to pour into my soul.

Rested, I am more productive and energized because I am not stressed out and sleep deprived.

Scheduling in rest periods or Sabbath time will not be easy as graduation looms closer, but the practice of taking time out of my daily or weekly schedule to remind myself that I am valued, loved and cherished by the Creator of the Universe will benefit me in the long run.

By taking time out of my week, I remind myself that my identity is not found in all that I can accomplish.

The catch to taking a Sabbath is that the time that I devote to checking items of a list needs to be effective and useful. If not, I get stuck in the rest/rush cycle that is just as exhausting as working around the clock.

Rested and refreshed, I am prepared to hit the ground running through the home stretch and graduation with the reminder that I need to continue to find time to sit at the feet of the Creator.

Theology of Place.

Posted on by fearlessatheart

Sometimes, I get hit with the travel bug, simply watching airplanes fly by and wishing I was going somewhere.

Anywhere but here, I think.

I become discontent with where I am, not valuing the community God has placed me in.

Wishing for more.

Frustrated, I challenge God over the need to stay here.

I argue with God over the logical nature of putting in roots, desiring to be a wanderer, not a stationary figure.

God challenges me back.

What is so wrong with staying put for the time being? What is wrong with putting down roots and allowing people to know you? Truly know the Sara I created you to be.

When life has been a variety of hellos and goodbyes, I become use to the ideas of moving on.

I settled into to the idea of creating space for new adventures and possibilities, as my spiritual formation has been shaped by lush green springs, the grey, rainy days, the vast deserts in Africa, the blue-green oceans in Haiti and the magnificent mountains in Montana.

God has met me in so many places in the reality of my nomadic past.

Recently, the idea of a theology of place has challenged my nomadic desires of traveling the world.

Staying is even more terrifying than going.

It means knuckling down and doing the nitty-gritty acts of life with a community. It means sharing more than a piece of your story with the people you end up doing life with. It means daring to be known as the incredible imperfect mosaic of heartache and blessings that I am. It means unfurling my clenched hands and accepting myself. It means bravely deciding to stay put, when my heart knows it would be easier to go—to leave all I know for the unknown.

“Staying put and daring to be known, engaging in life with people just as imperfect and weird as me, staying through the seasons as they come and go is changing me to be more like the Jesus I love so wildly. It’s a different kind of fearlessness, the fearlessness of engaging in community—slowly and steadily and wholeheartedly. Real, hard conversations usually only come after a lot of surface conversations”.

Sarah Bessey

Staying put requires a fearlessness that says “I value this community more than I desire to be comfortable”. It says, “I choose you. I choose to be invested where I am instead of actively pursuing the need to be anywhere but here”. Staying allows us to embody the Gospel in our conversations, prayers in the living room, watching families grow, of friendship deepened by doing life together, and of choosing to invest in people’s lives.

Staying allows us to take off our masks and grow closer to God as we pursue the people who love us the most.

Getting to this place of accepting the importance of staying challenged me to change my attitude as I bravely decide that choosing to stay was more important than my desire to flee.

When life gets challenging or difficult, my impulse is to flee.

God continually reminds me that sometimes the greatest things happen when I allow the radical act of staying to shape my soul.

There is incredible freedom in allowing the holy work of staying to remind me that I need people and community to be a successful human being.

People who will ask me the hard questions and truly listen to my trials and victories.

The beauty in choosing to stay put is that I continually find Jesus reminding me that He will be my strength when the staying gets tough and the impulse to run is driving my emotions.

Sometimes, the act of staying is just as important as the act of going into the world.

Cancer is a Word.

Posted on by fearlessatheart

“Cancer is a word, not a sentence” James Diamon

Approximately 4 years ago, my grandma was diagnosed with liver cancer. At the time of her diagnosis, the doctors gave her six months to a year to live.

My grandma was spunky and tough.

She fought. Hard.

Audaciously. She tackled her cancer diagnosis head on and continued to live her life.

She decided to give those cancer cells a run for their money. She endured chemo treatments, multiple tests, drugs and surgery. She remained strong through all of it. She still made it the many hundreds of miles to my graduation. She put on a good face when around people.

She lived each moment in the moment because she did not know when God would take her away.

She inspired me with her commitment to thanking God for the blessings in her life, not the trials that could bring down her spirit.

She fought the good fight. On December 13th, 2014, she passed away.

A small aspect of the world wept because a beautiful soul left this earth.

She inspired me, because continually trusted God through all of the pain, all of the worry, and all of the trials. She never wavered because she trusted that God knew what He was doing that he had a plan.

God’s plan was not for cancer, illness and pain to exist. Our sin brought on this imperfect world.

The reality of going through pain on earth is that we can look toward Heaven. This world is hard, challenging, and painful.

But Heaven will be glorious.

Worshipping Jesus day in and day out.

My grandma did not fear death because it was leading her to her Creator. Needless to say, it was not any less painful to watch her go.

A year or so later, I still miss her. I graduate Nursing school in May, and she will not be in the audience beaming with pride.

The grief pierces my heart in some of the happiest moments because

I am following in her footsteps, pursuing a career in Nursing, and I wish that she could see me accomplish all that I have.

The grief hits me in waves. Sometimes I will never be the same because a piece of my heart left for heaven the day she passed away.

The reality of cancer is hard and it affects so many people.

As today is World Cancer Day, let us remember the people we lost in this battle, and pray for the people who are currently fighting cancer.

Keep praying that scientist will discover a cure that will help eliminate the problem of cancer in our world.

I will forever remember the brave and amazing woman who fought cancer  for 3 years strength and grace.

I miss you, Grandma.

“Don’t count the days, make the days count.”  Muhammad Ali