Tag: life

Atlas’s Birth

Posted on by fearlessatheart

Here’s the details of Atlas’s birth. Some of you probably know bits and pieces of it but I wanted to write/remember the entirety of it so here it is. You all didn’t really ask for it, but here you go.

I was diagnosed with preeclampsia without severe effects around 35 weeks of pregnancy. Basically it was just high blood pressure but it was enough that they moved up my C-section date. I decided to go with a C-section initially because of the screws in my pelvis from my car accident. Anyways, my doctor wanted to do the c-section because of my high blood pressure at 37 weeks but she was ok as long as nothing severely changed waiting until 37 weeks and 6 days. Fast forward to my last prenatal appointment before my scheduled C-section. My blood pressure was up so they sent me over to labor and delivery for labs. One of the labs was elevated so they decided to keep me overnight for observation with the plan for the section the next morning but with the knowledge that if anything changes overnight they would most likely end up taking him out. 

We ended up having a decent night at the hospital even though the meds they gave me to sleep made me jittery and they were waking me up every couple of hours to do vitals and non stress tests to monitor the baby. The C-section went as planned the next morning and Atlas Kane Strader was born at 958 weighing 6lbs 9 ounces. After they took care of him and closed me up, we were on our way to recovery. Atlas’s temperature was a bit low so the nurse ended up checking his sugar. It was only 21 and they typically like it to be over 60. They gave him the yummy glucose gel after they got some blood. The lab test showed a sugar of 18. He ended up getting some donor milk because my milk hadn’t come in yet. Then started the process of me pumping every couple of hours to give him what I had pumped plus donor milk after they drew his blood sugar. All this was happening while the anesthesia and spinal was wearing off and my incision was starting to hurt more. There was just a lot going on but I felt super supported by the doctors and nurses. 

Fast forward to about 4 am. Atlas was due for a feeding so the nurse got a blood sugar before. It read 39. I was in the process for feeding him the little bit I had pumped when the nurse came back and said that the lab test came back at 24 and the doctor wanted him started on IV dextrose. I knew and had worked with the pediatric doctor on but nothing prepared me for the amount of fear I had in turning my baby over to the nurse. I knew the doctor had Atlas’s best interests at heart and was really good, but it was my heart outside my body that I was handing over. He ended up staying in the special care nursery all Wednesday through Thursday morning. 

Shortly after he was taken to the nursery, my nurse helped me figure out how to walk to the bathroom by myself and took out my catheter. Now I was free to visit my baby in the nursery whenever I could. We ended up being in the hospital I total of 4 days after the C-section. The birth in and of itself wasn’t traumatic but the weird unexpected things that happened after threw me for a loop. In that though, I can see God’s hand in everything from giving the recovery nurse the premonition to check a blood sugar to the proactiveness of the whole team involved to care for both our physical needs and emotional needs as my hormones are going haywire being separated from my baby.

Atlas Kane has lived up to his name as a warrior from the very beginning of his beautiful life. May he continue to live up to his name and fight for the One who created him.

Brain Injury awareness

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March is Brain Injury Awareness month. 

I really didn’t think I would still be struggling with things six years later. But here we are, six years later and migraines still knock me for a loop.

I’m just going to be honest here…My brain injury has complicated this pregnancy season. It has made my “normal” TBI symptoms of migraines, forgetfulness, and brain fog worse. Now I’m 4 days away from meeting my little love, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. This season has been trying and my brain injury making it a bit more complicated, but this little life inside of me is going to make everything worth it. Migraines like that are fewer and far between, but now they knock me for a loop because I’m not expecting them. It’s times like this that I want so much to be normal, but then I remember that this thing doesn’t take away from me, but rather it adds. I’m who I am now because of it. Here’s a few things to consider as you interact with people with known or unknown head trauma.

  1. Every injury is different. You may know someone who had a brain injury, but that does not mean you know this new person’s story. I get that you are trying to relate, but better than jumping in, listen. Their story may surprise you.
  2. Just because we think differently, don’t think we are stupid. Can I be really vulnerable? This is one of my biggest fears. On bad brain days, when the words get caught more often than naught, I fear that people will think that I’m incompetent. I know I shouldn’t care this much about what people think, but I’ve worked my butt off to get to where I am. So yes, I probably care too much about what people think and honestly, words might get caught in my head but I know that I’m just as smart if not more than I was before my accident.
  3. “Invisible” disabilities are still disabilities. Just because you can’t see everything a person is going through or what is exactly happening in their body, it doesn’t mean it’s not happening.

These are just a few ways that you can accept a person with a brain injury! Thanks for reading my thoughts!

Enough Rest

Posted on by fearlessatheart

This year my word was enough. This coming year-2022-the word that has been stuck in my head is rest.

Enough rest. Now that has a ring to it-especially after this year.

Rest. 

What is rest?

Rest according to the definition is: “cease work or movement in order to relax, refresh oneself, or recover strength.” 

I am a definite  overachiever. Rest is not in my typical vocabulary. I need to make it more common. What I’m learning lately is that in order to be the best daughter, wife, friend, and nurse, I need to rest. It is not suggested. It is required.

Rest.

This is an area that I strive to be better in.This year I want to make that the essence of this year.. I want to come out of a space of rest instead of a place of busyness. I want to encapsulate my productivity within rest instead of vice versa.

In a culture that elevates busyness, it takes courage to rest-to step back and take care of yourself. Always being on the goal takes a toll on body and soul. Here are a few of the ways that I want to be intentional about rest in this new year.

  • Limit social media: sometimes, social media is nice, but other times, it is draining even in the calmness. It stresses my emotions because it impedes my desire for contentment.
  • Get more sleep: I work nights which means my sleep schedule is crazy. People want to do things at 10 am after I’ve worked. I say yes because I don’t want to disappoint people. I aspire to choose those moments wisely and learn to say no.
  • Spend time with restful people: There are certain people in my life that are restful and I can sit with them and do nothing. Those are the people I should spend more time with.
  • Incorporate an afternoon a week and a day a month of rest into my schedule.

This isn’t exhaustive, but these are a few of the things that I hope to implement in 2022.

5 years…

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Dear Sara,

This is me writing to you from 5 years after that life-changing event. Here’s what I have learned and grieved as life doesn’t look anything like I thought it would, but God is good in the chaos of life.

  1. Nothing is a coincidence. I feel like I already kinda knew this, but I have really felt this lately. It’s not a coincidence that on one of my hardest days, a friend texts me out of the blue or I get a letter that encourages my soul.
  2. We need people. We can’t do life or get through hard things without certain people. I mean, you must choose the people that surround you wisely, but I can’t count the number of times that I was “this” close to giving up, but certain people took me by the hand and walked with me. 
  3. Everybody goes through something, but don’t let it define you. Sometimes it’s more obvious and sometimes it’s more subtle. I’ve learned in the past couple of years that I am more than my accident or brain injury. Yes, I do have chronic pain and I deal with migraines, but it makes me a better nurse because I get it. 
  4. Life is not simply about my happiness or comfort. Growing up, I knew this fact but there’s a difference between head knowledge and heart knowledge. Life is about glorifying God and His desire to rescue humanity. If God can use my story to advance His kingdom, who am I to stand in His way.
  5. I probably wouldn’t have a few people that have impacted my life-my husband being the most significant. I met him shortly after and he put up with me finding myself again before I could offer anything to him. We are still growing and figuring stuff out, but he is my soulmate and my accident put us in the same circles quicker. 
  6. It’s necessary to put down roots so you have a place or people to go home to. Throughout my nomadic childhood, I put my roots into people rather than the bevy of places that shaped my worldview. I’ve always wrestled with the idea of staying vs going. I’ve learned the necessity of walking the tension of both. It’s exciting to go to different places and see exotic things, but there’s also a strange kind of comfort in being known by the barista in the local coffee shops or the guy at the front desk at work. There’s something about being known and seen.

This is not a comprehensive list of what I’ve learned and grieved in the past couple of years, but as 5 years rolls around, I’m learning that I’m a complex person. This is part of my story but not the entirety of it. It complicates life a little, but it ultimately makes me a better nurse, daughter, best friend and wife.

Love, Sara

6 months down, a lifetime to go.

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Now I still have so much to learn about marriage and about Sean, but we’ve made it halfway through year one and we started our journey in the throes of a pandemic. Here are a few things that I’ve learned in the hardest and best 6 months:

  • Marriage is a commitment-A promise to someone else. It’s promising that the other person will always be the first priority in your life. It’s promising that his happiness is valued. 
  • Marriage is a collaboration-rather than a compromise. A friend once told me that in compromises one person usually lose something but in a collaboration both parties work together to a common end. I think that’s true. Both parties are often more satisfied with the end result.
  • Marriage is an endless sleepover with my favorite person. I look forward to coming home and seeing Sean and curling up next to him. I think someday I’ll get over it (but I really hope not).
  • Grand gestures are nice but it’s the little things that truly mean a lot. Flowers and candy are always appreciated by me but it’s more about the gentle way he holds me when my emotions are fragile or the way he waits till I wake up in the afternoon to mow the lawn.
  • Loving well means you need to learn the other person’s love language. 
  • Communication never goes out of style.
  • Love is a choice-even when the feelings are there.
  • It’s not all about a wedding, but marriage does deserve to be celebrated. 

So here we are: 6 months down, a lifetime to go, and a whole lot more to learn and fail at the first time. Sean is my favorite person and I can’t imagine doing this marriage thing without him by my side. Marriage is hard but worth it nonetheless.

Grace, upon Grace, upon Grace

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Can I be honest?

I’ve been in a dark place. I didn’t want to admit that because life is seemingly good. I married my favorite person. I bought a house. We got a cat. I love my job (most of the time). I talk to/see my best friend on the regular. Life is good.

But hard.

They don’t tell you that even though you live together now, being on opposite schedules mean, you may not see much of your favorite person. 

Adulting is a lot of work-and you have to do the work even when you don’t feel like it.

Sean thinks so differently than I do, which in most cases it’s good because I’m glad he hasn’t experienced the same trauma I have.

PTSD stinks. I mean, you do the work. You’re able to stand on your own two feet again. You have a steady job and relationship. You think you’re good then WHAM. PTSD hits you upside the head and knocks you down. 

Depression makes you feel less than because it’s all of a sudden hard to get out of bed and find motivation to do even the simplest tasks.

We are in the middle of a pandemic that changed the way we do everything. 

Oh and add to it the guilt of not being okay when it appears that you should be happy. It stinks.

All in all, I’ve been managing with the help of trusted individuals and God. But I decided that I couldn’t process it by myself, so I started therapy again. It was with the same counselor that say me though the mire the first time so she’s familiar with my defense mechanisms. Only two sessions in and it wrecked me.

I finally put a name to the feelings of loss I was feeling after everything. I was preparing for everything to get ripped out from under me. What? Life was good and I was preparing for the worst.  After that session, I had to do the hard and exhausting work of sitting with all the emotions. Now that I’ve sat with them, felt them fiercely, and given them room to breathe, I can do the even harder work of changing my thoughts. 

Here’s to not being okay, but I’m in a better place than I was yesterday. Here’s to giving myself grace when my traumatized self hurts the people I love. I have broken pieces but I’m doing the hard work of letting Jesus patch me together like only He can.

Social isolation, Self-care, and Birthdays

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My birthday is in 4 days and it’s a bit of a downer. I have to grow up and pay for my own insurance (I’m not intending to sound privileged but that’s the current reality of my life and it’s not the hardest thing or worst thing). The world is also shut down so there’s that.

Anyways, I turn 26 in 4 days, and here are a few things I’ve learned in the midst of a global pandemic.

 

  • Life is not all sunshine and roses and that’s ok.

 

Life is a mix of rainy days and sunshine. You can’t have one without the other. If you choose to fixate only on the good days and ignore the bad, then you are deluding yourself. But if you focus on only the bad, then you are also deluding yourself. What’s that saying, ‘Not every day is good, but there is good in every day”. Or something like that. Bottom line. It’s okay to not be okay sometimes. Life is not always ok, but it rarely ever stays there.

 

  • People matter. 

 

Yes, the correct term is social distancing but for some people, it turns into social isolation. Just be aware that some people aren’t quarantined with the ones they love so social distancing means they have very little social interaction. Reach out to the people you know. Write a note. Let them know that they aren’t forgotten in the midst of this.

 

  • You can’t choose the cards you’ve been dealt, but you can choose what you do with that.

 

This goes both ways. You can’t choose the negative things that happen to you-like in my case a car accident that changed my life. But you also can’t choose the good things that happen-like me not dying. You choose-positively or negatively-what to do with what you’ve been handed. You are not a victim of your circumstances, but rather acknowledge them for what they are and move on from that.

 

  • Self-care is uber important.

 

A lot of people, past me included, think they have life together, but I’ve learned that I don’t have to have it all together all the time. What a relief! I need to take care of myself. I’m learning that lesson again and again. I had the mentality that getting all better meant that I would have infinite energy and would be able to everything I used to. I was wrong. The idea in my head of how much energy I had is probably exaggerated and if it was right, it was honestly only a matter of time before I crashed in life. I probably was lucky I literally crashed my car. Just kidding, but in reality, I’ve learned a lot about listening to my body and resting so I can be the best version of myself. Self-care is offering people you love the best of you rather than the leftover parts of you.

 

  • Light always comes after dark.

 

It’s tempting to think this-the way the world is right now-will never end. But It will end, someday. The sun never ceases to rise again.

 

  • Yes, it can stink to celebrate my birthday in the midst of a lockdown, but the people closest to me are findings ways to still make me feel loved and cherished. Plus, it’s a cliche but I’ll seriously never take another birthday for granted because I truly am blessed to be alive today.

 

These are just a few thought about the state of the world and birthdays is social distancing. Thanks for listening to my thoughts and do your part to help this end soon.

Airplanes and other flying things

Posted on by fearlessatheart

There is just something about taking off in an airplane.

There’s nothing quite like take-off.

You feel the momentum mounting under the souls of your feet. 

The plane starts to speed up, the energy building up and then you feel it take off from the ground and start to soar. That’s how I feel like these last six to eight months with God were. Here’s a few things that God has been indwelling in my heart recently with my move to hospital nursing, the Dominican Republic, and the pandemic.

 

  • God is here. He’s in the breeze and the rain. He’s in the quiet moments. He’s still there even though you think He’s absent. He’s there in the midst of chaos offering a nugget of peace if we choose to cling to Him. In some of the darkest moments and some the lightest recently, I recognized that God is still there even though I can’t see Him.
  • Smiles are the same in any language. Recently, I went to the Dominican Republic. We ran a clinic. I know a little bit of Spanish, but it warmed my heart that I could communicate God’s love simply through a smile as I was taking the person to see the doctor. God’s love abounds in those who allow it to permeate through them. I hope I am the hands and feet of Jesus in my daily life not just of mission trips to the DR.
  • Never underestimate the power of a well-placed kind word. We are all stressed out to the max-especially since the pandemic. We are all afraid of the unknown and then our bent is to lash out because we are afraid. In that case, a kind word means so much more because every word surrounding that is angry, fearful words. When people are hurting, a kind word is like a lifeline of hope. Be that lifeline of hope.
  • It’s okay to not be okay. I feel like this is a lesson I learn time and time again. I just recently had to deal with this mentality. I was coming back from the DR and I got a migraine. It knocked me down for a little while and I realized that I need people in my life. I need people to bring me food when I’m not feeling well enough to go to the cafeteria to eat. I don’t have to have it all together all the time-but I need to accept that I’m not okay all the time. God holds me up in those times and surrounds me with people that hold my arms up.
  • Those who say they can and they can’t are both right. There’s a fine line between accepting limitations and just sitting on my butt and complaining. A year ago, I chose to sit on my butt and accept where I was then, I wouldn’t be here today. I wouldn’t be dating the love of my life and I wouldn’t be loving on little and bigger humans at the hospital. It took a lot of brave small steps to get me to when I am today, but I think if I didn’t have people reinforcing the idea that I can do it. I couldn’t do it without them.

PRESENT

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I’ve participated in the OneWord movement for a couple years. The idea is to prayerfully find a word that is to be the focus of the next twelve months. 

My word for 2020 is PRESENT.

Present (adj) means: now existing or in progress, being in view or at hand and existing in something mentioned or under consideration.

My hope for this year is that I learn to be present right where I am. Over the last 3 years, I’ve learned how to be brave, how to live in expectation, and finally how to put my anchor down exactly where I am. In the past 3 ½ years post-college, God has gone over and beyond my wildest dreams. He has burst and continued to burst out of the box I place him in. 

This year, I want to be present in my life-my work, my small group of girls, my family. 

This year, I want to future elaborate on the idea of putting my anchor down and become present-smell the roses so to speak.

 

  • Celebrate the little joys.

 

Stop and smell the roses. Life is not all about the stuff you can accomplish and how much you can do. You miss a lot if you simply live life for the fast pace. You miss out on the sunrises and sunsets, the smiles of kids’ faces, and the smell of the ground before it rains. Life is more than the business of life. It’s about the moments between. 

 

  • Listen more graciously.

 

Listen to just listen, not simply listen to respond. Sometimes, people just simply need someone to listen to them. They don’t need someone to fix it, but to acknowledge that it’s hard. They just need to know that they are seen and loved.

 

  • Listen to my body.

 

It sounds weird to acknowledge that sometimes I sleep for 14 hours. One way I can be present in my life is to listen to my body so I can be the best me. I can’t be truly present if my brain isn’t clear. If I need to sleep for 14 hours so be it. If I crave chocolate, then I’ll eat it. The best thing for my brain and body is to balance rest and exercise.

 

  • Develop and savor little rituals.

 

Being present in the moment includes developing little rituals like waking up early to have coffee and spend one on one time with Jesus. These rituals help ground one to a place and people who you include in those rituals. 

 

  • Put down my phone.

 

I want to be remembered for more than just my presence on social media. I want to be remembered for my smiles and hugs and my encouraging words. I want to be remembered for my presence in my life and my dear friends’ lives.

Here’s to living and learning how to be present in my life and others.

 

 

 

 

 

12.17.2016

Posted on by fearlessatheart

3 years.

This season is emotional. As the anniversary of my almost death-my life change-comes close I’m just a mess of emotions.

Let me just be honest.

Today was great but I was an emotional mess this afternoon-it was irrational.

BUT GOD.

ABBA-my favorite name for God-knew that I needed cocooned in His arms. He knew that I needed my small group of girls hugs. He knew that I needed Him.

I’ve learned a lot throughout my life, but here are just a few nuggets that, as the 17th roles around, feels a little more applicable.

 

  • God is “ABBA”.

 

The reason why I love this name of God so much is that I love the picture it brings to my mind. A picture of God standing with open arms as I run towards Him. He catches me and picks me up while twirling me around and around. I love that picture. A picture of a God that rules the world yet cares about the littlest thing that is bothering me. 

 

  • People can hurt you, but just because they can, all of them won’t.

 

This one is a lesson I’m still processing through. Throughout my life, letting people in has always been a struggle. I mean letting people into my core-the core of who Sara is. I have layers like an onion, and I learned the lesson of transparency without vulnerability. Let me explain that. I learned how to peel back enough that people were convinced that I was transparent but there was no real risk of me getting hurt. I worked through that and finally made progress and let a few people in. Then the accident happened, and I’m back at square one. I lost myself and figured that I was “too much” for someone to love. A person simultaneously proved that I was worth investing in and crushed my idea that I would ever find love. Then, enter God. God brought a certain person into my life as a friend and I was skittish. I liked him but I figured he would leave. I didn’t want to let him in, because I was afraid of the mess I would be if he did leave. We were friends and then he wormed his way into my heart. He was there. He stayed and who knows what the future holds, but he has taught me that it is possible to open your heart again. I love him for that simple fact and who he is. In opening your heart, there’s always the risk of hurt, but just because they can, doesn’t mean they will.

 

  • Nothing-no person-is a coincidence.

 

I don’t believe anything is a coincidence. I don’t believe that I was hired at MCS of a whim. I believe that I was there for a specific reason. I don’t believe God brought people in and took people out of my life for a reason. Each person I’ve interacted with over the years has shaped me into who I am today for better or for worse. 

 

  • My story is about more than just me.

 

My story while it directly impacts my day to day life, is not simply about me.  This life is about more than my happiness. It’s about God’s redemption of ALL humanity. If God uses me and my story to fulfill his purposes, then all the trauma will be worth it.

 

  • God is not afraid of emotions.

 

If I have learned anything in the past three years, I’ve learned that it’s okay to not be okay for a while, but I can’t stay there. I can’t pitch my tent in the mire and live there. I can visit there. There have been times that I pop right out of the hole, and there have been times where I have needed my brother or parents to give me a swift kick to the bottom (metaphorically) to propel me out of the hole. Love isn’t simply codling but love is telling someone the truth with grace. Two years ago, I hit rock bottom. Life didn’t look anything like I thought it would, and I dug myself a house down in the mire and was planning on staying there indefinitely. 

BUT GOD. 

God in his grace-oh sweet grace-didn’t let me camp there. He put people in my life to give me that swift kick in the butt that I needed, Oh it was hard. There were lots of tears as I lamented what was and could have been. I wrestled with insecurity, I made molehills into mountains, and I surrendered into God’s will. I’m not perfect at this in any means. I still am not quite there yet, but at least I’m not still where I was.

I don’t know what your story is-who has hurt you, what trauma has happened to you-but I do know that there is an ‘abba’ who loves you more than you could ever know. Here’s to believing that God has got this.