Category: Sunday Musings

Giving in to Negative Thoughts

Posted on by fearlessatheart

A bad day does not make for a bad life (Sometimes it doesn’t feel like it).

This week, I gave into my fears, of failing, of letting people down, of being imperfect.

I have learned over the years that the only difference between an adventure and an obstacle is attitude. I gave in to my negative attitude this week. I allowed myself to follow the mental tracks of self-doubt, negativity, hesitation, and uncertainty.

I failed.

I failed in almost every area of life this week-oversleeping, and not having words. Utterly and absolutely failed.

I gave in when I allowed my failures to define my life.

I fell into old patterns of fear.

I had a bad day-a few bad days-but that does not give me permission to go down this trail fear.

I gave in and allowed my thoughts to define who God is and what He meant.

In my failures, I gave in and decided to control my life myself.

And, guess what….

I failed miserably.

I had no control of my emotions, of my life, of even my alarms.

It hurt.

Failure humbles me and reminded me that I am not the One who breathed the stars.

Just when I thought I knew that being brave and audacious meant, I was reminded that I need to be brave in my failures.

Admit my shortcomings and buck up.

Offer the failures up to the King of Kings and move on.

King David writes, “Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in Him” Psalms 62:5. He knew all about failure. He failed at many things, but he kept returning to the steadfastness of the Lord. He presents himself, his failures and successes, before the Lord.

Finally, at the end of the week, I gave in and accepted that God was God (C. S. Lewis). I relinquished control of my life and emotions to the One who created me.

Audaciously, I cried letting God meet me in failures. Humbly, offering them up as a meager sacrifice of my messy life.

Bravely, I accepted my humanness and let God be God.

Redeemed, I allowed myself to focus on His grace and not on my failings.

“I learned to dance with the fear that I’d been running from.”

Ben Rector.

I gave in and let God instill joy in my heart in the midst of my fears.

Waiting

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Waiting.

This simple word causes many people to wince because it is associated with hard times. It is often associated with moments of disappointment or things that we want but can’t have yet.

Waiting.

There is an art of living life fully while trusting that God has a plan for you. Patience is not a virtue that I possess in any capacity. I do not like to wait for things in life, especially when I know that it is something good and worthwhile.

Remember when you were a child, waiting for Christmas day. Remember the expectations and excitement as you lay in bed thinking about the presents under the tree.

The shapes.

The noises.

The surprises.

Remember how you jumped out of bed and ran downstairs on Christmas morning because the awaited time had come.

That feeling is one of the most exciting and frustrating feelings to have.

Expectations.

Excitement.

Waiting.

Waiting for God, the Creator who breathed stars into existence, to reveal aspects of his magnificent plan.

Waiting for that next right step to take in a situation that is sticky and messy.

Waiting for that wonderful man to ride in on his white horse, or possibly a turtle, depending on how long he takes.

Waiting for those dreams, those deep, heartfelt passions, to begin to unfold in a beautiful and holy way.

As a result of this waiting, we spend a lot of time praying to God because we desire to live life completely and utterly in His will.

I was recently challenged to use this time of waiting to prepare. The first thought I had was, “Prepare for what?” I have no idea what I am supposed to be doing with this time, so how am I supposed to be prepared.

Sometimes, it feels like I am blindly preparing for a future that could go in any direction. How can I be prepared for every possible situations? What can I do in my season of waiting to keep myself from going incredibly crazy balancing the excitement of knowing?

Waiting does not mean that I am useless or stuck, it simply means that I am waiting. I can still move to further God’s kingdom in the moment. Sarah Bessey writes, “It’s a scary thing, a life-changing, paradigm-shifting thing, to honestly ask yourself this question: Am I moving with God to rescue, restore, and redeem humanity? Or am I clinging fast, eyes closed, teeth clenched, to an imperfect world’s habits and cultural customs, in full knowledge of injustice or imperfections, living at odds with God’s dream for his daughters and sons?”

Sometimes, I get so caught up in the frustration of hearing “Wait” from God that I forget to act. I forget to continue to play my part in the story God is writing for humanity. I am a small blip on in the story, but, as I wait, I should not forget where I am.

As I wait for my brain to heal, there are things I need to be doing to help make that happen. In the same way, as I wait for God to move in my life, I need to be continually seeking His will, and loving others as God loves me. Sometimes, I need to take that leap and take steps toward where God is leading as I wait for Him to reveal Himself step by step.

As I continue to wait on God, I desire to use this time to grow into the woman He is molding me into.

Waiting with Expectation

Posted on by fearlessatheart

Expectation. That is the word I picked to define my year.

Expectation (n.) a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future.

This year, I’m expecting to make tons of progress in my healing. I’m not even halfway through the season that the most healing will occur. This year, I have a lot of things I hope to see improve. I’m waiting on God to move drastically in my life. He has done amazing things in my life this past year. I’m waiting with expectation for Him. There’s a lot of unknown in my future but it’s kind of exciting because God is changing my dreams. I never thought I would consider rehab nursing, but it would be a good mix of my desire for nursing and my experience with my TBI.

Expectation goes hand in hand with the word I choose a couple of years ago.

Audacious.

I am not audacious. I lack courage. I shrink from things that God calls me to because I fear failure.

This year, I am turning over a new leaf. I choose to be recklessly brave in the pursuit of a living, loving, saving, sustaining, almighty God who shapes my heart.

I desire to be bold; sharing the gospel from my backyard to the ends of the earth.

I aspire to be gutsy; challenging myself to do things that make me uncomfortable.

I strive to be brave; living life with everything that I have.

I desire to wait with expectation for God to move while being audacious and stepping out of my comfort zone. This is the year I will be stronger, braver, kinder and unstoppable. This year I will be fierce in my expectations of a living, loving God who hold my heart in His hands.

A Journey to Confidence 

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Insecurity has been a struggle for me since I can remember. I grew up on the mission field so I was always  different. I looked different when I was in Africa, and I acted different when I was in America. When I was growing up, I wanted blue eyes and straight hair because that’s what all “Americans” had. 

When we moved back, I was in 6th grade. Middle school is confusing enough without changing continents. My identity was all messed up-I didn’t know where I belonged and fit in. I looked like my peers, but I felt different. I found myself laughing at things because others were laughing. I had no idea what was funny. I got really good at making it seem like I knew about a book or movie that everyone else knew. I wanted to belong, but I felt different.

I craved belonging. 

I ended up finding my identity in academics. I was good at school so I became the smartest I could be. I embraced the title of “smart girl” because that meant people were noticing me. I was a people pleaser. How people saw me would make or break an experience. I would always have makeup on, dress nice, and be put together. It was people’s opinion that mattered and I usually came up short. Someone was always prettier, more talented, and smarter than me. This carried over to college. In my relationships, I was overly concerned about how people saw me. I became afraid that they were only my friends because of pity-because I initiated it.

I was becoming more confident in myself and accepting the uniqueness of my soul. Last fall, a series of events caused my insecurities to be taken out and hung like laundry on a line-flapping around in the wind. I turned to God, letting Him romance me as the lover of my soul. I was in the process of taking the down and folding them as God whispered “You are loved. You are enough.”

Then, the accident happened. My life changed that day, not just physically but emotionally as well. My close friends rarely left my side. My relationship with them was more than just convenient, it was deep. They weren’t friends with me out of pity-they chose me. Some of them were even at Grant before I was transferred there. In the hospital, I had more pressing issues than my physical appearance. I didn’t care how I looked. Survival was the upmost priority. 

Now, I’m insecure about specific things, like how I walk and how I talk, but I don’t care as much what people think. My need to please others is minimal. I don’t do things just because people expect it of me. No is a bigger part of my vocabulary. My outfits of choice are shirts and athletic shorts, which show my scars. It’s weird, because of my brain injury, I don’t know where I fit in the world anymore, but I’m more secure in myself-in what makes me Sara Beth. Life is short and my energy is limited so I choose to put my energy in things I’m really interested in. I had so many plans of how my life would go and then, they vanished after the accident. I am starting to get glimpses of the possibilities, which encourages my soul. 

It’s still a journey to a confidant me. Each day is better than the last. It requires so much bravery to love myself just as I am-all my quirks and faults. I’m learning to see myself as God sees me-a beautiful, smart, and loved daughter of the King.

Surrender 

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Surrender.

That’s been a theme throughout this season. I have to surrender control. I need to give up my plans. This is definitely not how I pictured my life a year ago. I would be living on my own in Akron, working with my best friend, and figuring out how to do this whole adult life.

I didn’t figure a car accident into my plans or being unemployed for 8 months. I don’t think anyone plans for life to sideswipe them.

Surrender control.

I realize how little control I have. I’m a planner. I mean I had my whole college career planned out at my second advising meeting. It is scary to realize you are not in charge of how your life will go. It is frightening to give up control-to let go of your plans, but that’s what God asks of me. I thought I had this all figured out last summer. I didn’t know what would happen after graduation, but things are more uncertain now. Sometimes, it’s challenging just getting through the day.

In church, we sang My Heart is Yours by Kristian Stanfill.

“My heart is Yours

My heart is Yours

Take it all

Take it all

My life in Your hands”

These lyrics really stood out to me. I can’t sing those lyrics, and not believe them. My life is in God’s hands-God’s perfect, caring hands. If I’m letting go of control, it is into capable hands. It’s terrifying surrendering control. It takes a lot of bravery to surrender control. It takes a lot of courage to continue to put one foot in front of the other when you have no idea what is coming.

The thing I cling to is that God is good. If he chooses not to heal me (because I believe He can), it’s about the bigger picture. It’s about God’s plan of love and redemption. So this life is not about me, it’s about God.

 

When God is big

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Something about mountains makes you feel so small.

They remind you of the bigger picture—that God is good and in charge of the world. It puts life into perspective. When all you have to focus on is your problems, they seem so big—so overwhelming.  But when you look at the mountains, you realize that you make up a small aspect of this big world. Your problems are only a blimp in the radar that is life.

Recently, I went to Seattle. Being in the mountains, my soul was able to breathe. I remember I felt this way last summer when I went to Montana. I had just taken my NCLEX. A lot of things where uncertain, but looking at those magnificent mountains, I knew God has everything under control. I realized the bigness of God and the smallness of me.

I got the same feeling when I took in the mountains this summer. God is bigger than a brain injury, and it took looking at the mountains for that to sink in. It is not about me, it is all about Him. I play a small role in adventure called life. When I focus on all my problems, it becomes all about me. I think, “Why me? This isn’t fair.” But, when I take in the mountains, I figure out that this situation is about more than just me. I get a glimpse into the big picture.

Something about mountains puts life into perspective. You realize that the God who created the grandiose mountains cares about your thoughts and desires. This God holds your heart in his hands. He cares about your struggles. You don’t have to do it all by yourself. You may be small and overwhelmed by your seemingly big problems. But God is bigger than any problem. God is bigger. When I see the mountains, I picture my problems as big as them. God holds my problems in his hands. He picks up those mountains as if they are nothing.

Looking at the grandness of the mountains, I knew, in my soul, that God holds everything in his hands. He has a plan for my life. I just have to put my life in His large and capable hands.

Looking at the mountains, my soul was able to breathe because it finally sunk in that God is bigger than any problem I faced. The pressure was lifted from my soul because God had control.

God’s Faithfulness 

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I get to tell you of God’s faithfulness. Last fall, I was living the dream. I was just starting out on my own. I got my first job as a nurse. I was figuring out how to do this whole being an adult thing. I thought I had life kind of figured out.

In December, I was simply visiting my best friend in Ashland and planning her wedding. On Saturday, December 17th, I was heading home for a short time. It was foggy and icy. I don’t know what exactly happened, but I turned in front of another car on St. Rt. 30. I was hit on the left side, and it’s a miracle that I survived. The car was totaled, and I sustained several major injuries. My left ankle and pelvis were shattered. My bladder was ruptured, and I also had a brain injury. I was taken to Medcentral and ultimately transferred to Grant Hospital in Columbus. I had surgery on my leg, pelvis and bladder.

On the scan they did in the Emergency room, they saw damage on my liver and spleen. Since they were already opening me up to repair my bladder, they checked my liver and spleen. There was nothing on them! One of the many miracles God did. It was touch and go for a while. My parents didn’t know how extensive my brain injury was or if I would qualify for rehab. I did qualify for rehab, and I only spent 3 weeks in rehab. Slowly, but surely, I am getting better. I still have a long way to go, but I’m making progress.

I didn’t plan on this season but I’ve seen God move in every area. I am reading this book titled “Detours” by Tony Evans. The thing about detours is they are inconvenient, unwelcome, time-consuming, and surprising, but you still get where you are going. This season is a detour. I had so many other plans, but I’m here now. I could choose to have an attitude of discontentment, of anger, and of frustration, or I can choose to be content where I am and look for joy in the apparent chaos. I’m learning to trust God more. Last summer, I worried about getting a job, passing my NCLEX, and finding an apartment. Those now seem trivial because God spared my life. Recovery could have gone so differently. It is going to take a long time, but they are hopeful for a full recovery.

I met Jesus years ago as a tiny tot, but the relationship has ebbed and flowed over the years. Recently, as I sought him more deeply, I discovered his heart for people and me. Through this season, I am learning to seek Him more deeply. In my insecurities, in my imperfections, in my anxieties, and in my weariness, I am learning that I am enough. I didn’t have to be perfect to earn His love.  I could just be me with him. I realized that my insecurities were lies that Satan had pushed to the forefront of my mind to distract me from who I was and where I was going. I allowed him to distract me. I allowed him to feed me the lies that I began to believe about myself and my future. I allowed him to steal my happiness until God sought me out and reminded me where I belong.

Somehow, in my distance, God continued to remind me that I am his beloved. His Beloved. Those are words that have been spoken over me my entire life.  I know what the words mean in my head, but it has been a struggle to truly know the words as they are written on my heart. Recently, as I allow the truth of God’s word to diffuse over my soul, He has whispered the words “You are loved” over and over again. You are loved in your imperfections—because I am perfect. You are loved in your weakness—because I am strong. You are loved in your fears—because I am the Prince of Peace. You are loved in strengths—because I created you in my image. As I sought my Savior, I allowed the depth and reality of his actions on the cross to remind me of the breath of his love for me. I do not deserve God’s unwavering love, but I am learning to accept it and allow his opinion to dictate my actions.  Slowly, I am learning not to let my insecurities hold me back from being brave. I have many people around me—supporting me—but in my head, it’s only me and Jesus.

Recently, I came across a blog that I had written before graduation when everything was uncertain. In it, I wrote, “Uncertainly, I approach the feet of the God who orchestrates my life. I lay my ready made plans at His feet. Tattered and worn from being pulled out and constantly reworked to fit my needs, they clatter to the ground. My hopes. My plans. My dreams. My future. Trust me. He whispers as He gathers up my well-organized plans in his arms. I watch as He takes my dreams and plans and puts them aside. Trust me. I have a plan for you. I offer an uncertain yes.”

I don’t know what the future hold, but I have to trust that God is good and His plan for me is ultimately good.

Giants Fall

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Today, we celebrate Christ and His power.

Years ago, Jesus rode into Jerusalem on a donkey with the people waving palm branches. He was being celebrated as the king He was and still is. As American Christians, we find the idea of people welcoming a king with palm branches a little weird. In Israel, they would not think it was weird in the least.

 If an important person was coming to your city in Ancient Israel, you would greet them outside the city and walk them with shouts of joy and celebration. The fact that Jesus walked in and was celebrated as a king was surprising because most people didn’t truly believe that He was the messiah. Even the donkey held significance because a king would only ride a donkey if he came in peace.

Palm Sunday has always been significant in my life because we celebrate the kingship of Jesus. Next Sunday, we will celebrate the resurrection of Jesus and that He defeated death. This year the Easter season has a fresh meaning in my life. Not only do we celebrate Jesus’ kingship on Palm Sunday, we praise who He is. 


He is good. He is powerful. He is love. He is peace. He is faithful.

This year, I truly believe that I am only alive and doing so well because of Him. He is king over all creation and He chose to rescue me.

He chose to rescue me. I don’t know why He chose to save me, but God must not be finished with me here on earth. I don’t know what He has in store for me, but God has already been glorified through my accident. 

He is truly good.

The road to recovery will be long and hard, but not impossible. A song by Francesca Battistelli is called ” Giants Fall”. Sometimes, we see giants in our path and get scared. Scared that the thing won’t happen or that it will take longer. Scared of the giants and what they represent. But God is in the habit of making giants fall.


He has already knocked down several giants, and He will continue to do so. 

Only Christ

Posted on by fearlessatheart

“It takes time.”

I have heard that so many times and it still frustrates me. I know healing will take time because I am a nurse and human, but I don’t have much patience with myself.

The road to getting better is long and hard. I will become more patient with myself as time goes on, but I don’t have it now. So therapy now is harder than it should be because I don’t have much patience with myself.

I’m lucky! I shouldn’t have made it out of the car wreck. Everyone calls me a miracle, and that is what I am. God must have something for me to do or He must have something planned for me.

It will take time but now is a perfect time to focus on Jesus. I got to a place before the accident that it was just me and Jesus. I trust Him a lot more because I have seen firsthand His mercies. I trusted Him before but this is different. I can see some of what He is capable of which changes what I trust Him with. I know now I can trust Him with anything big or small because He saved me.

Oftentimes, after a tragedy it is common for people to trust God because He is their refuge. There is truth in that. God is my refuge when times get tough. I do not know what I would do without Him. He is my daily strength. Jesus is the only reason I get through the day, and I’m better off than some people. 

It is still just me and Jesus. I have lots of people I love around me, but inside my head it is only me and Jesus. Before the accident, I had everything planned out but God had different plans. The time that I could have spent focused on other things will be focused on Jesus and His kingdom.

Inside my head is where I wrestle with God, I yell at Him, and I love Him. Nothing about this situation is fair but if it is only so I become more dependent on Him, it will be worth it. Habits are things you cultivate over time, so this situation will cultivate a dependence on God which is unique.

It gives me a different outlook on God. One that only I have because I’m the one that personally went through it. I have a bigger view of God because I know He can do the impossible.
I can take this time to learn as much as I can about my savior and myself. Focus on Christ and what He has done for me. I need to use this time to focus on what He would like me to do now, and how I can further His kingdom. I want to be more like Him daily.

Only Christ.

Theology of Place.

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Sometimes, I get hit with the travel bug, simply watching airplanes fly by and wishing I was going somewhere.

Anywhere but here, I think.

I become discontent with where I am, not valuing the community God has placed me in.

Wishing for more.

Frustrated, I challenge God over the need to stay here.

I argue with God over the logical nature of putting in roots, desiring to be a wanderer, not a stationary figure.

God challenges me back.

What is so wrong with staying put for the time being? What is wrong with putting down roots and allowing people to know you? Truly know the Sara I created you to be.

When life has been a variety of hellos and goodbyes, I become use to the ideas of moving on.

I settled into to the idea of creating space for new adventures and possibilities, as my spiritual formation has been shaped by lush green springs, the grey, rainy days, the vast deserts in Africa, the blue-green oceans in Haiti and the magnificent mountains in Montana.

God has met me in so many places in the reality of my nomadic past.

Recently, the idea of a theology of place has challenged my nomadic desires of traveling the world.

Staying is even more terrifying than going.

It means knuckling down and doing the nitty-gritty acts of life with a community. It means sharing more than a piece of your story with the people you end up doing life with. It means daring to be known as the incredible imperfect mosaic of heartache and blessings that I am. It means unfurling my clenched hands and accepting myself. It means bravely deciding to stay put, when my heart knows it would be easier to go—to leave all I know for the unknown.

“Staying put and daring to be known, engaging in life with people just as imperfect and weird as me, staying through the seasons as they come and go is changing me to be more like the Jesus I love so wildly. It’s a different kind of fearlessness, the fearlessness of engaging in community—slowly and steadily and wholeheartedly. Real, hard conversations usually only come after a lot of surface conversations”.

Sarah Bessey

Staying put requires a fearlessness that says “I value this community more than I desire to be comfortable”. It says, “I choose you. I choose to be invested where I am instead of actively pursuing the need to be anywhere but here”. Staying allows us to embody the Gospel in our conversations, prayers in the living room, watching families grow, of friendship deepened by doing life together, and of choosing to invest in people’s lives.

Staying allows us to take off our masks and grow closer to God as we pursue the people who love us the most.

Getting to this place of accepting the importance of staying challenged me to change my attitude as I bravely decide that choosing to stay was more important than my desire to flee.

When life gets challenging or difficult, my impulse is to flee.

God continually reminds me that sometimes the greatest things happen when I allow the radical act of staying to shape my soul.

There is incredible freedom in allowing the holy work of staying to remind me that I need people and community to be a successful human being.

People who will ask me the hard questions and truly listen to my trials and victories.

The beauty in choosing to stay put is that I continually find Jesus reminding me that He will be my strength when the staying gets tough and the impulse to run is driving my emotions.

Sometimes, the act of staying is just as important as the act of going into the world.