10 Things I Wish My Doctor Had Told Me About Mild Traumatic Brain Injury (mTBI)

Posted on by fearlessatheart

csequoia's avatarThe Foggy Shore

0215100954brainconcussion1. You can’t push through.  Regardless of how strong or tough or determined you are, you can’t bully you’re way through recovering from an mTBI.  I know you’re going to try, but you will save us both a lot of time if you didn’t.

2. Rest.  I mean completely rest.  Stop work, stop TV, stop looking at your phone. Just sit on a couch, pet a cat, and stare out the window.  I know it’s inconvenient, I know you can’t afford to, I know you don’t have time… but you will really really regret it if you don’t.

3. You need help.  Like – significant help – in every aspect of your life.  You might not think you do, you might not know you do… but you do.  Trust me on this one.

4. Your easy social life and party days are over.  Loud noises, bright flashing lights, even regular fluorescent lights – all those things…

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Choose Joy

Posted on by fearlessatheart

I lost my joy. I am not ashamed to admit it.

A couple weeks ago, I realized that I wouldn’t return to floor nursing as soon as I thought. I could push to return, but it wouldn’t be smart to rush my healing. It hit me hard.

Like really hard.

I picture floor nursing as normal. That, in my head, was the defining factor of being a nurse. That’s what everyone I graduated with is doing. However twisted or false the thought was, I thought floor nursing makes someone a nurse. I hadn’t even been a nurse, a floor nurse, for 6 months.

I lost the will to fight. I thought, “If I can’t be normal, why even try.”

The only reason I made it this far was that I was a fighter. If I couldn’t do something, I would try again until I got it. I was determined.

So when I lost the will to fight, I got more irritable and grumpy. I used the word “stuck” in reference to staying in Mansfield. I lost my joy.

I wrote things because I know I used to believe it or I should believe it, but I didn’t. I hoped by writing them, they would sink into my heart.

I keep saying I won’t be normal again. I wasn’t normal before my accident. I grew up in Africa so that makes me different. Normal is overrated anyway. I won’t be the same Sara I was before my accident, but I’m still Sara. I may have different strengths and hardships, that is inevitable, but I’m alive. I am still making progress. My rehab doctor says it takes about two years for the brain to fully heal.

I’m only 6 months into a 24 months period. I have made a ton of progress, but I still have a long way to go.  

Today, I decided to fight. I gained back my will to fight. My brother says, “Those who say they can and those who say they can’t are both right”. If I have the attitude that I won’t do it, then I won’t return to floor nursing. And maybe I won’t return, but at least I’ll go down fighting.

So I’ve decided to choose joy. Joy is not happiness. Joy is not an emotion, it’s a choice. Joy is believing that God is in control and that God is good. It is to base your joy on something that is eternal.

I choose joy. I’ve decided to get my joy back.

Especially when it’s hard, I need to choose joy. It will not always be easy to choose joy. It is easier to sit in my bed, moping about the fact that I won’t return to floor nursing as fast as I hoped. But, that is not beneficial to me or the people around me.

That doesn’t mean I’m always happy. This is definitely not how I pictured my life going. There are plenty of times where I yell at God, and wondering why me.

I choose joy because regardless of how I feel, I know that God is good. I just lost sight of that for a moment.

Even when it feels so far away, I choose joy.

Joy and Suffering

Posted on by fearlessatheart
  1. This has been a tough year for the Walthour family, and it is only June.

I almost died in an accident. I should have died, but God, in His mercy, decided that it wasn’t my time. They didn’t completely know the extent of my injuries, but they are hopeful for a full recovery. My youngest brother is in the hospital because he almost died from an infection. The doctors have no idea why or how he got it, or even what it is. He is weak but he is alive.

Needless to say, suffering is a common thread through our family. Joy and suffering. Those two words are complete opposites. James 1:2 states, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds”. How can you have joy in suffering? I am still wrestling with that question. The truth I cling to is that God is good. He must have a purpose for all this. Even when I have bad days, I hold onto that.

I am not always joyful. My family can attest to that, but even in those moments when joy seems so far away, I aim for Christ. I aim for His will. As followers of Christ, we are not entitled to a suffering free life. We should not be surprised by suffering, but we should plan on experiencing some. Jesus suffered, so why should we expect not to. 1 Peter 4:12 says, “Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal among you, which comes upon you for your testing, as though some strange things were happening to you.”

God is good. Even though I go through suffering, I see God’s faithfulness. I am able to have joy in God’s faithfulness to care for my soul. I think that is where my joy comes from. I see His faithfulness, even in the hard moments-especially in those moments. When I can’t do it by myself, He provides the strength to move forward.

I see His love in every moment, if only I look for them. I don’t want to be back in Mansfield. To be living at home. I was excited about living on my own-making my own way in the world.

While this is not what I would have chosen, I see God’s love in the unexpected. In the quiet moments, when I doubt God’s plan for the next step, He whispers, “Trust me. I’ve got a beautiful plan for you.”

I trust Him. He is writing my story, and He never leaves me alone in it. When I heard that BJ was being life flighted to Nationwide, I was scared-scared that I would lose my baby brother. God wrapped me in His arms and gave me this supernatural peace. He calmed my fears.

Joy and suffering. I’m still wrestling with what that means, but I do know one thing. Suffering makes me a little more like Christ.  If I can share, to other people going through the same thing, the way God helped me wade through it, then the suffering has a positive spin later. If it points to Christ, then it’s worth it. I can have joy in that.

Holding God’s Hand In The Darkness

Posted on by fearlessatheart

Have you ever wondered what God was like?

I have. Many times.

Through this season, I’ve grown closer to God. I’ve clung to God when there was no one else to cling to. I’ve clung to the truths that have been engrained in me since I was a young child. I don’t how people go through hard times without God.

I’ve seen a different side of God these past couple of months. I’ve always known God loves me, but I truly have experienced His love in a new way. Suffering brings me to the arms of the One who holds my heart in His hands. He wipes my tears away, and meets me in the middle of my fears. He is not afraid of the mess of my life.

I can’t explain it, but God seems closer to me.  This situation is hard and heartbreaking. It will be a long time before I’m back to normal, if I get back to normal. I need Christ to get through the day. I simply need Christ. This God, the One that wraps me in His grace, seems to know what I’m thinking before I do. When I couldn’t find the words, He understood me. He hears my cries.

On my hard days, He wraps me up in His arms and stays close. He whispers, “I love every fiber of your being. I love every scar, every seeming imperfections”. I have seen God’s hand as he continued to push me out of my comfort zone and fill me with life—incredible blessings as I step out in faith. He is the Creator of the Universe. The God who painted the colors of the sunset, and who drew the freckles on my nose. The One who moved the mountains rock by rock and who designed the intricacies of the human body. The One who continually seeks my heart even when I am difficult. And He loves me.

During this hard season, where all my insecurities rose to the top of my soul, God romances my soul.

He seeks me as the lover of His heart. I am not perfect. I am learning to see myself as He sees me.

I am learning to let Him love me. I am learning to accept His love.

God’s Faithfulness 

Posted on by fearlessatheart

I get to tell you of God’s faithfulness. Last fall, I was living the dream. I was just starting out on my own. I got my first job as a nurse. I was figuring out how to do this whole being an adult thing. I thought I had life kind of figured out.

In December, I was simply visiting my best friend in Ashland and planning her wedding. On Saturday, December 17th, I was heading home for a short time. It was foggy and icy. I don’t know what exactly happened, but I turned in front of another car on St. Rt. 30. I was hit on the left side, and it’s a miracle that I survived. The car was totaled, and I sustained several major injuries. My left ankle and pelvis were shattered. My bladder was ruptured, and I also had a brain injury. I was taken to Medcentral and ultimately transferred to Grant Hospital in Columbus. I had surgery on my leg, pelvis and bladder.

On the scan they did in the Emergency room, they saw damage on my liver and spleen. Since they were already opening me up to repair my bladder, they checked my liver and spleen. There was nothing on them! One of the many miracles God did. It was touch and go for a while. My parents didn’t know how extensive my brain injury was or if I would qualify for rehab. I did qualify for rehab, and I only spent 3 weeks in rehab. Slowly, but surely, I am getting better. I still have a long way to go, but I’m making progress.

I didn’t plan on this season but I’ve seen God move in every area. I am reading this book titled “Detours” by Tony Evans. The thing about detours is they are inconvenient, unwelcome, time-consuming, and surprising, but you still get where you are going. This season is a detour. I had so many other plans, but I’m here now. I could choose to have an attitude of discontentment, of anger, and of frustration, or I can choose to be content where I am and look for joy in the apparent chaos. I’m learning to trust God more. Last summer, I worried about getting a job, passing my NCLEX, and finding an apartment. Those now seem trivial because God spared my life. Recovery could have gone so differently. It is going to take a long time, but they are hopeful for a full recovery.

I met Jesus years ago as a tiny tot, but the relationship has ebbed and flowed over the years. Recently, as I sought him more deeply, I discovered his heart for people and me. Through this season, I am learning to seek Him more deeply. In my insecurities, in my imperfections, in my anxieties, and in my weariness, I am learning that I am enough. I didn’t have to be perfect to earn His love.  I could just be me with him. I realized that my insecurities were lies that Satan had pushed to the forefront of my mind to distract me from who I was and where I was going. I allowed him to distract me. I allowed him to feed me the lies that I began to believe about myself and my future. I allowed him to steal my happiness until God sought me out and reminded me where I belong.

Somehow, in my distance, God continued to remind me that I am his beloved. His Beloved. Those are words that have been spoken over me my entire life.  I know what the words mean in my head, but it has been a struggle to truly know the words as they are written on my heart. Recently, as I allow the truth of God’s word to diffuse over my soul, He has whispered the words “You are loved” over and over again. You are loved in your imperfections—because I am perfect. You are loved in your weakness—because I am strong. You are loved in your fears—because I am the Prince of Peace. You are loved in strengths—because I created you in my image. As I sought my Savior, I allowed the depth and reality of his actions on the cross to remind me of the breath of his love for me. I do not deserve God’s unwavering love, but I am learning to accept it and allow his opinion to dictate my actions.  Slowly, I am learning not to let my insecurities hold me back from being brave. I have many people around me—supporting me—but in my head, it’s only me and Jesus.

Recently, I came across a blog that I had written before graduation when everything was uncertain. In it, I wrote, “Uncertainly, I approach the feet of the God who orchestrates my life. I lay my ready made plans at His feet. Tattered and worn from being pulled out and constantly reworked to fit my needs, they clatter to the ground. My hopes. My plans. My dreams. My future. Trust me. He whispers as He gathers up my well-organized plans in his arms. I watch as He takes my dreams and plans and puts them aside. Trust me. I have a plan for you. I offer an uncertain yes.”

I don’t know what the future hold, but I have to trust that God is good and His plan for me is ultimately good.

Let’s Be Wild

Posted on by fearlessatheart

I was self-conscious before, but now I am really self-conscious. I feel like my voice sounds weird, weirder than normal. I feel people staring at me when I walk. I must look embarrassing because I feel really awkward. When I try to write, it is difficult. I perceive my scars are blatantly obvious, like they are flashing lights on a billboard.

I struggled with insecurity since I could remember. Before my accident, I was beginning to get a handle on my insecurities. I was beginning to let God’s love diffuse through my soul, erasing my insecurities. Now, I am really learning what it means to not compare myself to others.

I have a lot to be insecure about now. I have several scars. I don’t walk normally yet. My speech is understandable, but it is not back to where it was. I am insecure about everything, it seems like. 

But, I am learning to see myself the way God sees me.

I am learning that I can’t change who I am. I can’t change my scars or my limitations. The stuff that I am insecure about makes me—Sara Beth. I can accept myself-my scars, my limitations-and allow God to be glorified.

I shouldn’t be insecure about what God created. If I frown on what God has created, it’s like a smack in God’s face.

Through this season, I am learning what makes me—Sara beth. I am diving into who God made me and striving to not focus as much on my insecurities.

I am choosing to be wild. Not wild as in acting crazy, dressing unique, and rebelling against society. Wild as in the living and growing in the natural environment.

It’s going to be hard, but I am deciding not to listen to what the world says. So, I choose to listen to who God says I am. I let God diffuse over my insecurities and my fears. Considering all I’ve been through, it is not surprising that my insecurities are rising back to the surface. I can choose to focus on them, or on the One who put the stars in place.

I am trying not to care what other people think about me. It is a progress of throwing off the things that I have believed my whole life and putting on who God says I am.

Yes, I have scars but they are proof that I survived. I am a survivor and that is something to be proud of.

Yes, I walk awkwardly. I get looks when I walk. People ask me if I need a wheelchair, but at least I can walk. There was a point that my parents didn’t know what would happen to me.

Yes, I have difficulty speaking. My rate is slower. My voice sometimes sounds nasally. I don’t put enough emotion behind my words. At least, I can talk.

I might have insecurities, but at least, I am alive.

So, I am deciding to be wild.

I am choosing to accept myself just the way I am-my looks, my fears, my limitations. I am choosing to be bold in the pursuit of what I like-what I am passionate about.

Let’s be wild.

Let’s throw off the expectations of society. Not because we don’t care about them, but because we don’t need to care too much about them.

Detours

Posted on by fearlessatheart

The thing about detours is that they are inconvenient, unwelcome, time-consuming, and surprising. You may take a longer route, but eventually you still get where you are going.

This season is a detour in my life-in my destiny. I had so many other plans, but I’m here, in Mansfield, now. I could choose to have an attitude of discontentment, of anger, and of frustration, or I can choose to be content where I am and look for joy in the apparent chaos.

There is no person in the Scripture who illustrates the principles of detours in relationship to destiny than Joseph. His life reads like a good suspense novel. It has twists and turns along the way-not all of them planned. We read, “But Joseph said to them,’Do not be afraid, for am I in God’s place? As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive.” (Gen. 50:19-20)

Detours often contain evil. They may contain bad people. We suffer under the evil of people acting badly or our own bad choices producing bitterness, cynicism, hate, and stunted growth. It is only when we consider the whole phrase-“you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good”-that we are able to reach our destiny through the detours. God doesn’t orchestrate hoops that we have to jump through, but He often turns the messiness in our lives into a message for ourselves and others.

God knew Joseph’s brothers would sell him into slavery. He knew Joseph would get bought by Potifar and get tempted by his wife. God knew Joseph would get thrown into prison. The only thing Joseph had any control over was his attitude.

He continued to praise God, even when life, by anyone’s standards, was dire. He was in prison with very minimal hope of getting out.

In every detour, we have a choice. We can choose to be angry at God, upset with our circumstances and disappointed because things are not going your way. Or we can choose to welcome the moments, look for God working in the midst of the chaos, and see God’s glory. God can take your bad experiences and turn them into tools to bring Him glory.

I don’t know what the future hold, but I have to trust that God is good and His plan for me is ultimately good.

 

Giants Fall

Posted on by fearlessatheart

Today, we celebrate Christ and His power.

Years ago, Jesus rode into Jerusalem on a donkey with the people waving palm branches. He was being celebrated as the king He was and still is. As American Christians, we find the idea of people welcoming a king with palm branches a little weird. In Israel, they would not think it was weird in the least.

 If an important person was coming to your city in Ancient Israel, you would greet them outside the city and walk them with shouts of joy and celebration. The fact that Jesus walked in and was celebrated as a king was surprising because most people didn’t truly believe that He was the messiah. Even the donkey held significance because a king would only ride a donkey if he came in peace.

Palm Sunday has always been significant in my life because we celebrate the kingship of Jesus. Next Sunday, we will celebrate the resurrection of Jesus and that He defeated death. This year the Easter season has a fresh meaning in my life. Not only do we celebrate Jesus’ kingship on Palm Sunday, we praise who He is. 


He is good. He is powerful. He is love. He is peace. He is faithful.

This year, I truly believe that I am only alive and doing so well because of Him. He is king over all creation and He chose to rescue me.

He chose to rescue me. I don’t know why He chose to save me, but God must not be finished with me here on earth. I don’t know what He has in store for me, but God has already been glorified through my accident. 

He is truly good.

The road to recovery will be long and hard, but not impossible. A song by Francesca Battistelli is called ” Giants Fall”. Sometimes, we see giants in our path and get scared. Scared that the thing won’t happen or that it will take longer. Scared of the giants and what they represent. But God is in the habit of making giants fall.


He has already knocked down several giants, and He will continue to do so. 

It Is Well With My Soul

Posted on by fearlessatheart

In church, we sang the hymn It Is Well With My Soul.

I really resonated with that hymn. My body may be broken. It may not do what I want it to, but all is well with my soul. Your body is earthly. It would be nice if my body would do what I am used to doing because I am human. I am selfish. What truly matters is where my soul is. I can honestly say it is well with my soul.

I know where my Hope lies and I trust Him. Everything I worried about last summer-the NCLEX, a job, an apartment-seem like little things compared to this. 

God didn’t cause the accident, but He used it in my life and other people’s lives as well. For that I am thankful.  

It matters now whether or not my body works, but it won’t matter in eternity. The state of my soul matters in eternity. It determines where you go, and it determines how you act in this life.

I went to my church this morning for the first time since my accident, and I was overwhelmed by the support and encouragement. I am loved by God and His church. A friend in a wheelchair next to me said, “It’s one miracle looking at another”.

My recovery is all attributed to God. Even before  the accident, I would say it is well with my soul. It means more now because I can only rely on Him. I could rely on my own strength but it won’t lead the same results. Right now, my body is not cooperating with me. My own strength is failing me. So there is nowhere to look but up at the Creator of the Universe and ask for strength.

The hymn, It Is Well With My Soul, means more to me now. 

It is true. 

It is well with my soul.

Only Christ

Posted on by fearlessatheart

“It takes time.”

I have heard that so many times and it still frustrates me. I know healing will take time because I am a nurse and human, but I don’t have much patience with myself.

The road to getting better is long and hard. I will become more patient with myself as time goes on, but I don’t have it now. So therapy now is harder than it should be because I don’t have much patience with myself.

I’m lucky! I shouldn’t have made it out of the car wreck. Everyone calls me a miracle, and that is what I am. God must have something for me to do or He must have something planned for me.

It will take time but now is a perfect time to focus on Jesus. I got to a place before the accident that it was just me and Jesus. I trust Him a lot more because I have seen firsthand His mercies. I trusted Him before but this is different. I can see some of what He is capable of which changes what I trust Him with. I know now I can trust Him with anything big or small because He saved me.

Oftentimes, after a tragedy it is common for people to trust God because He is their refuge. There is truth in that. God is my refuge when times get tough. I do not know what I would do without Him. He is my daily strength. Jesus is the only reason I get through the day, and I’m better off than some people. 

It is still just me and Jesus. I have lots of people I love around me, but inside my head it is only me and Jesus. Before the accident, I had everything planned out but God had different plans. The time that I could have spent focused on other things will be focused on Jesus and His kingdom.

Inside my head is where I wrestle with God, I yell at Him, and I love Him. Nothing about this situation is fair but if it is only so I become more dependent on Him, it will be worth it. Habits are things you cultivate over time, so this situation will cultivate a dependence on God which is unique.

It gives me a different outlook on God. One that only I have because I’m the one that personally went through it. I have a bigger view of God because I know He can do the impossible.
I can take this time to learn as much as I can about my savior and myself. Focus on Christ and what He has done for me. I need to use this time to focus on what He would like me to do now, and how I can further His kingdom. I want to be more like Him daily.

Only Christ.