Life is Messy, but God is Good

Posted on by fearlessatheart

I have problem understanding God.

I was just in a motor vehicle accident.  I was hit on the left side and I am lucky to be alive. God saved me for a purpose and I have not figured out why yet.

So many people were praying for me and even inspired by me. I didn’t ask for any of it but maybe God has a bigger picture in mind.

I hurt. My ribs were bruised, my pelvis and my lower leg and ankle were shattered, and my bladder was damaged. All in all, I’m lucky to be alive but I hurt. It could definitely be worse but it is hard to see God’s mercy when I hurt!

I know God is good but it is hard for me to trust that when I am going through so much. I feel obligated to understand God because of all He has done for me but God likes it when we are honest.

Sometimes, I do not think this is fair.

Sometimes, I think the future is unattainable.

sometimes, I think the road back to recovery is long and hard.

God likes it when we are real with Him because right now life stinks. I was in a good place before the accident. I had just gotten a good nursing job. I acquired a place in a newish city. I had just gotten to a place where it was just me and Jesus.

I have to work harder to get back to where I was previously.

Sometimes I understand Him like when I think about what He has done for me and how far He has brought me. I trust Him when I think about how He has already used my accident to bring Himself glory. A friend and I were talking about how many people prayed for me, supported me, and surrounded my parents in love. That is the way the church should be. I had people praying for me from different continents and all over America. That is how the church should respond, coming together in a person’s time of need.

I can’t be discouraged all the time and that is the key. I know for me it is hard to be positive all the time and most of the letters, visitors, and Facebook posts are all positive. I needed that at that moment or my parents needed that because they felt like giving up at times. There needs to be a balance of trusting God and grieving. You can’t lose your faith in God within your doubt.

Fundamentally, I believe that God has things under control and that He has a bigger plan for this tragedy but it is hard to see the bigger picture. I can see the ways God is being merciful in the little ways. The ways that are more evident. I even think that the fact that God saved me from the wreck, the fact that I had minimal internal injuries, and my fast progress show God’s faithfulness.

I trust that God has everything under control but I can’t see the bigger picture. Everyone can’t always see the big picture of what God is doing when you are looking forward. You can see what God is preparing you for when you look back. God is constantly preparing us through the easy times and the hard times.

It just frustrates me that I can’t see the bigger picture but I know God is good. Through it all, it is me and Jesus.

When Being Brave Means Letting Go.

Posted on by fearlessatheart

I chose to be audacious this year.

I determined to be recklessly brave even in the little things.

Brave. Courageous. Audacious.

The year of brave, my friend and I called it.

Only eleven months into my journey of being brave, and it has been such a wild ride. I have learned to step out of my comfort zone, when the necessary action terrifies me. I knew it was not going to be easy, but I was not prepared for how scared or lonely I would be at times. I experienced the beauty in being vulnerable with someone and allowing myself to love him. I wrestled with the heartbreak that comes when that relationship ends, even if it is the best thing for both parties. I started a new job-one that pushed me out of my comfort zone.  I discovered a love for the city that I moved to as I chose to stay and invest in my community. Bravely, I strived to reclaim my dreams that I unintentionally put aside.

This year of being brave challenged me, even scared, me, but naively, I believed I would still hold some control over my life and the changes that were about to occur.

 Silly me, I had no control.

The past couple of months have been stock full of good and hard changes, but my head could not wrap its head around the fact that life would be vastly different.

The array of emotions that flooded into the life I started to make in Akron surprised me-the celebration of being established in an apartment, starting a new job, settling into new friendships, and relinquishing claims on old relationships.

To fully settle into my life during the transition, I needed to let go of a lot of things. I let go of a certain person as the relationship ended. Letting go of someone hurts even if it is the right thing to do. That person, who was once a major part of my life, was suddenly a stranger with history behind us.  Things would never be exactly the same. Letting go is extremely hard and the heart grieves what was lost, but it is a necessary part of moving on. Letting go of people, places, emotions, life stages-it is all hard and takes quite a bit of bravery.

I let go of a stage of life I would never return to. I would never again be a traditional college student. Losing that immediate community where I was known, loved, and cared for startled me. I needed to grieve the loss of that stage of life-of that community- as I step into the next one. As I take brave steps to build a new community, to be known by strangers and to be loved by my church.

I am not a novice at letting go-at transitions of life. My whole life has been a series of changes, and I have had a lot of practice saying goodbye to people and moving on. The practice does not make each new encounter easier. I may be good at change, but I still do not like it. Whenever the possibility of change or transition appears, I get nervous–scared-palms-sweaty, heart-racing, butterflies-my-stomach nervous–because the possibility of getting hurt terrified me. I want to run from the change and hold on to the stability that comes with the things that I know.

The leaves change colors and seasons changes which reminds me that there is beauty in letting the dead things go. Just as the trees let go of the old leaves so that new growth can occur, letting go of something leaves my hands wide open to welcome new things.  Every day, I learn to allow the space between where I want to be and where I am to inspire me and not terrify me. Moving forward into this new season, I am brave and choose to do things that make me happy-the things that give me life in the midst of chaos. I am discovering the things that make me—Sara Beth. I am rediscovering the things that remind me of the necessity of learning how to stay put and invest in the community rather than running from the transitions.

Freedom shows up in being able to let go of the emotions and feelings that have been weighing heavily on my heart over the past couple months as thing after thing in my life changed.

Joy presents itself as I reclaim my wildness-rediscovering the passions and desires that God has placed in my heart.

Bravery exists as I lay the messy emotions and transitions at the feet of a loving God who gathers me into his lap whispering “I love you” in my ear.

Toxic Thoughts

Posted on by fearlessatheart

I have this very bad habit of lying to myself.

I get caught up in my head, allowing negative thoughts about my abilities, capabilities and attributes to weave themselves into my life.

“You are not good enough or pretty enough.”

“You cannot do that.”

“Well, that was only because you kept bothering them that they decided to hang out. “

“See, you do not know as much as you think you do.”

“They probably do not want to hang out with you.”

“Do not even try because you will fail.”

These lies feed my insecurities and sideswipe my desire to be brave. I begin to second guess my abilities and get caught up in a downward spiral, continuing to believe the statements in my head.

It doesn’t help that I am an over thinker which means that I often read too much into my actions and the actions of others. These toxic thoughts hold me back from being brave, as they affect my ability to be bold in the face of new challenges and fill me with a fear of failure.

The past couple weeks have been a constant battle as the lies fill my overwhelmed soul trying to convince me that I have no idea what I am doing, that I will not fit in, and that I will never be good enough.

I hate failing or doing things that I know I will probably fail at, so it has been so much easier to hide behind my toxic thoughts than to step out bravely and possibly fail at making new friendships, adulting, or even my new job.

In the quiet times I had, I allowed the lies to continue to weave into my thoughts so rather than the quiet being refreshing, it became unbearably lonely.

Ashamed, I admit that I failed at living audaciously because I allowed my fearful thoughts to trap me into being afraid of leaving the security of my comfort zone.

I failed—t he exact reason I clung to my comfort zone in the first time.

Recently, I was challenged to play a simple game of musical chairs. Initially, I adamantly refused.

I refused because I knew I would fail (Musical chairs is not on my list of accomplishments in life).

In my hesitation, I was asked to step out of my comfort zone. My go to response was to blurt out that I step out of my comfort zone all the time. As I began to think about it, I realized that I truly have not been as good at stepping out of my comfort zone as I believed myself to be.

Selfishly, I have always hated doing things that I knew I would fail at. If I was not good at it, I would run the other direction, playing it safe. In the same way, during all the change, I tried to cling to all the things and relationships that were comfortable rather than branch out and establish new routines and friendships.

News flash, I will most likely fail at something or even maybe everything. I cannot simply stay stationary in hopes that I will succeed.

The thoughts that hold me captive in fear of not being enough are lies that need to be rebuked and pushed out of the way.

Instead, I should be combatting them with empowering thoughts which fill me with life.

“You can do this.”

“You are enough.”

“You are beautiful.”

“You may fail, but you will learn how to do it better.”

“You are loved.”

These are the words and phrases that I need to weave into my soul until they begin to sink into my heart as truth.

Somehow, it is always so much easier to speak these truths over other women and people, than it is to speak them over myself.

My challenge to myself through this transition is to remind myself that I am brave, confident and fearless in the face of these lies that attempt to penetrate my happiness.

As well, you, reader, are brave. You are confident. You are enough. God created you with a purpose in mind. Yes, you will probably fail at something, but do not let the fear of failing keep you from stepping out into the world. You are loved.

Stepping Into the Big Picture

Posted on by fearlessatheart

My head spins as I lay in bed, trying to sleep-attempting to push the worry out of my head.

I admit that I am a recovering chronic worrier. Most of the time, I struggle with handing over the reigns of my life to God because I like control too much. Hence I worry about things that are out of my control. I tend to drive myself a little crazy with the constant worrying, but I have a hard time shutting it completely off.

This summer started out with an ample amount of unknown changes that honestly scared me. I hated not knowing what the next few months of my life would look like.

Simply the thought of not having control sent my soul into a panic because my default setting is to rely on my own strength.

Selfishly, when things didn’t work out the way I specifically thought it would, my carefully placed plans in my head caved down around me.

I do not have the control I thought I did. Looking back, it all seems really ridiculous because I had nothing to worry about. God had it all worked out, but I believed that I had to have everything figured out to be successful.

I love to plan. I breathe a tiny bit easier when my schedule is organized and I know what is coming next. I want to believe that I am flexible, but the reality is that I strive for order in the chaos and knowing over the unknown. I am the girl who had the rest of her college classes figured out during her first advising meeting. I arranged and organized a plan for after college that I believed was God’s plan for my life. I had everything all figured out-where I would work, where I would like and what I would be doing with my life. I had this plan in my head and I dismiss anyone and everyone who told me different. Looking back, I realize that I acted ridiculous What person in their right mind picks a path and refused to acknowledge any other options.

But God had a different plan.

Not for lack of trying, my plan did not appear to be making any process.

Nothing was happening.

Frustrated, I wondered why God was denying me what I thought I wanted-why He wasn’t moving the way I wanted him to. Consistently, people reminded me that maybe I should begin to move towards other areas—areas where the door did not appear to be shut. Stubbornly, I resisted their advice, arguing that I could make it happen. A wise friend reminded me that God does not usually express His will through flashing signs, lit up to show us the direction he wants us to go. He often lets us make decisions and moves and directs our path if we are heading in the drastically opposite direction. We simply cannot sit around waiting on Him to show up-some of the responsibility is on us to be faithful in taking action.

Eventually God challenged me to trust Him. He challenged me to let Him guide me. I simply needed to let go of my particular dreams and open my heart to listening to what he might have in store. As soon as I took that step-trusting that if it was the right step, God would move.

He did.

He moved in and showed me that He had control.

Terrified, I had to give up what I thought was my dream, but God has a bigger and better plan for my life. I cannot see the future, but all He is asking of me is to take the next right step.

Admittedly, I claimed to trust God, but I clung to a ridiculously small view of what I believed that He could accomplish in my life. He continues to burst out of the boxes I place Him in, repeatedly reminding me that He has everything under control. He did more in 2 days than I could accomplish in 2 months. He eradicated my fears and doubts by reminding me that I cannot see the big picture. I only see snippets of what He is doing in my life. In 48 hours, I had passed my NCLEX, gotten a job, and found an apartment. Everything thing that I had stressed about, prayed about, and worried about months was resolved.

After all that, I left to explore the wild mountains of Montana. There is something incredible about standing on the side of the mountain—looking out over the land and other mountains. The mountains show both the creativity and wildness of God as they tower high above the world daring all to challenge their creator. 

It is a healthy reminder of how small I am.

Often in life, I begin to believe that I am the star of the story. Because I am human, I forget that my life is not all about me. Standing in the midst of the vast spaces and grandiose mountain reminds me of my smallness in the midst of the world.

Sitting in the midst of these mountains reminds me that everything that God does, He does for His glory.

He created me for His glory, thus my life should be about His glory, not my own personal gain.

All that is asked of me is to be faithful in the small things, trust Him and step into the big picture of His plan to redeem the world for His glory.

Releasing Fear.

Posted on by fearlessatheart

In the past couple of weeks, I discovered that my default emotion is fear.

The kind of fear that comes creeping into my soul, insecure thought after insecure thought as I attempt to make my way in this world of interviews, jobs, and relationships. The kind of fears that worm their way into my very soul, specifically when I have not been spending time filling my mind with the truth. In those times, my brain finds it easier to believe the lies than to try to prove the truths.

The lie that I do not know enough. The fear that I am not good enough. The belief that I will be replaced easily by those closest to me.  The fear that I will not be able to find a job.

These fears consume my thoughts and run rampant in the quiet of the night.

The reality is that worry and fear in their basest forms are not simply wrong. It is denying that God, in all his goodness, cannot look after the practical details of my life.

I feel out of control in my fears and worries wash over my brain, but the reality is that I am using those fears to maintain the meager amount of control I believe that I have.

Selfishly, I cling to those fears like a lifesaving buoy because they are comfortable. The fears and worries have been my security blanket throughout years of change and transitions. It is terrifying to admit that I routinely turn to my fears before I come before the throne of the One who actually has the power to change or work in the situation that I am dealing with.

The fears do not easily erase themselves from my memory, rather they linger there waiting to flood my mind when I give them the slightest bit of attention.

It is easy for me to quote the verses about God’s goodness and faithfulness when faced with other people’s prayers and needs. The challenging part is reminding myself of these very truths in the depths of fears and worries and needs and prayers.

When faced with other people’s questions and doubts, the words defending my Creator come quickly, smoothing ruffled feathers and speaking truth over the situation, but in the quiet of the night, the same doubts and questions that I quickly dismissed earlier rise to the surface and I begin to question the truths that I graciously spouted off earlier.

Truths about God, His nature, His control, His love, and even His Grace.

Recently, I was challenged to simply read the Bible and focus on the truths that are present there. The only way to get rid of the fears and the worries is to replace those fears with truths for the Word of God. Releasing these fears that occupy my thoughts and laying them down at feet of the One who holds my heart in his hands. 

As I continue to fill my mind with these truths about who God is and the nature of His love for me, the doubts still come. I am not becoming immune to the questions and doubts that race through my mind when I begin to quiet my soul at the end of a stressful day.

But as I call out the lies and recite the truth of who God is, even in the quiet moments, God in all of His graciousness, acknowledges my questions and my doubts, but quickly replaces those with his peace.

Bravely, I let go of my security blanket of worry and fear as I strive to believe and live the truths that God has clearly outlined in His Word.

Being Brave.

Posted on by fearlessatheart

Bravery.

That is a word that I chose  to define my attitude about this year.

Graduation. NCLEX. Adulting. Moving.

As I approach the newest transition in my life, it is getting harder to be brave in the face of seemingly stormy and unknown skies.

Being brave isn’t always easy, pleasant or fun, but necessary.

It tries our patience and challenges our souls to trust.

A dear friend reminded me that it is time for hard and scary and holy things. Her words wrapped up all of my feelings about the next couple months. Hard. Scary. But still holy.

They will not be easy because God is asking for trust, patience, bravery, and growth as I lay my plans down, believing that He has got them.

Being brave comes not from being alone, but from having people around you saying, “You have got what it takes to be brave”.

Being brave means having hard conversations, but knowing that the communication will deepen your friendship.

Being brave shows up when you love someone through the messiness of life, knowing you can’t do anything but listen.

Being brave sprouts out of the desire to accept the love you deserve from the God who shamelessly purses your heart.

Being brave appears as you share bits of your story with people, striving to be known as a fearless Child of God.

In my striving to be brave, I succeeded graciously, and I failed miserably.

Sometimes, bravery looks like admitting that you were wrong and acknowledging that you have areas that need broken down and built anew.

Being brave means being willing to tear down the walls of fear, shame, guilt, and insecurity slowly shattering the hold they have. Only then can God build up walls of courage, grace, love, and confidence redeeming the broken aspects of my soul.

Being brave means acknowledging that there are many answers I will not have right now about my future, but trusting that God will reveal the next right step as I move forward in obedience.

Being brave starts as a choice each and every day-as I seek to more like the One who calmed the troubled waters in the middle of stormy seas.

The Uncertain Yes

Posted on by fearlessatheart

My planner is stuffed full of lists, dates, sticky notes and plans.

I like my life organized, falling into boxes that I can set wherever I want them to go. With my lists and planner, my crazy life fits well into the categories of school, work, friends and church. I am rarely unprepared for what is coming next.

Except for now….

In 23 days, I graduate, leaving the world of tests and papers to enter the adult world. I feel prepared to tackle the new challenges that being a college alumni means, but I do not know what that looks like yet.

I have no plans.

Zero. Zilch.

Surrounded by people who have plans, jobs, apartments or weddings.

Then there is me. I have no plans set in stone. I have ideas of where I want to go and what I want to do with this new adventure in front of me.

Uncertainly, I approach the feet of the God who orchestrates my life.

I lay my ready made plans at His feet. Tattered and worn from being pulled out and constantly reworked to fit my needs, they clatter to the ground.

My hopes. My plans. My dreams. My future.

Trust me.

He whispers as He gathers up my well-organized plans in his arms.

I watch as He takes my dreams and plans and puts them aside.

Trust me. I have a plan for you.

I offer an uncertain yes.

To trust that He has a plan.

To believe that He has my best interests at heart.

To acknowledge that sometimes I do not need to have everything figured out.

To realize that taking this risk and saying yes could be the best decision of my life.

I offer an uncertain yes, trusting that my well-worn plans are safe in the hands of the God who shaped my heart.

As graduation looms in the not-so-distant future, I rest in my uncertainty, acknowledging that I am not the one in the control. I relinquish my right to plan my future, rather I allow my heart to be filled with the One who has the control.

I close my sticky-note covered planner focusing my energy on listening for His voice in the chaos and uncertainty.

Seeking My Savior.

Posted on by fearlessatheart

I met someone.

No, this is not what you think.

This is not one of those romantic-I-fell-in-love-at-first-sight-posts. This is about real: I-see-you-in-the-messiness-of-your-life-and-love-you-still kind of relationship.

To clarify, I am not talking about a person. I am talking about the Creator of the Universe. The God who painted the colors of the sunset, and who drew the freckles on my nose. The One who moved the mountains rock by rock and who designed the intricacies of the human body. The One who continually seeks my heart even when I am difficult.

I met Jesus years ago as a tiny tot, but the relationship has ebbed and flowed over the years. Recently, as I sought him more deeply, I discovered his heart for people and me.

After a hard season, where all my insecurities rose to the top of my soul, God romanced my soul.

He sought me as the lover of my heart and I learned that I was enough.

In my insecurities, in my imperfections, in my anxieties, and in my weariness, I am enough.

I didn’t have to be perfect.  I could just be me with him.

I realized that my insecurities were lies that Satan had pushed to the forefront of my mind to distract me from who I was and where I was going. I allowed him to distract me. I allowed him to feed me the lies that I began to believe about myself and my future.

I allowed him to steal my happiness until God sought me out and reminded me where I belong.

Not today, Satan. Not today.

Somehow, in my distance, God continued to remind me that I am his beloved.

His Beloved.

Those are words that have been spoken over me my entire life.  I know what the words mean in my head, but it has been a struggle to truly know the words as they are written on my heart.

Recently, as I allow the truth of God’s word to diffuse over my soul, He has whispered the words “You are loved” over and over again.

You are loved in your imperfections—because I am perfect.

You are loved in your weakness—because I am strong.

You are loved in your fears—because I am the Prince of Peace.

You are loved in strengths—because I created you in my image.

As I sought my Savior, I allowed the depth and reality of his actions on the cross to remind me of the breath of his love for me.

I do not deserve God’s unwavering love, but I am learning to accept it and allow his opinion to dictate my actions.  Slowly, I am learning not to let my insecurities hold me back from being brave.

Learning to Rest in a Hectic Life.

Posted on by fearlessatheart

Rest.

This a word that most people hate because it eludes the idea of unproductivity.

In the “going…going…gone” mentality of society today, it appears lazy to rest and take time for yourself.

Selfish even.

I have learned though,  that rest is not a bad word, in fact, it is necessary for life.

God rested. Why shouldn’t I?

What is keeping me from taking time out of my busy schedule to refresh my soul? What is stopping me from resting my body and soul from the craziness of school, work etc?

The answer was simple.

Nothing.

I offered up the excuses of “I am too busy.” and “Everything is important.”

But the bottom line is if I do not rest, I get burnt out and then all my hard work being productive is for naught because I crash and burn.

Burnt out, I become a shell of a being striving, but failing to thrive.

This semester, I allowed myself to believe the lies that I was okay. I could handle anything life threw at me.

I could not.

Unconsciously, I stressed myself with needing to be everything to everybody, and the people closest to me receive the brunt of my jaded sarcasm because I was not caring for myself well.

I was growing and being challenged by God, but I was not allowing time for my soul to relax and truly absorb all the wise and wonderful things He was teaching me.

This past week, I choose rest.

I chose sleep.

I chose to soak in the sun.

I chose to vacate my life for a week and refresh my soul, allowing God and inspiring friends to pour into my soul.

Rested, I am more productive and energized because I am not stressed out and sleep deprived.

Scheduling in rest periods or Sabbath time will not be easy as graduation looms closer, but the practice of taking time out of my daily or weekly schedule to remind myself that I am valued, loved and cherished by the Creator of the Universe will benefit me in the long run.

By taking time out of my week, I remind myself that my identity is not found in all that I can accomplish.

The catch to taking a Sabbath is that the time that I devote to checking items of a list needs to be effective and useful. If not, I get stuck in the rest/rush cycle that is just as exhausting as working around the clock.

Rested and refreshed, I am prepared to hit the ground running through the home stretch and graduation with the reminder that I need to continue to find time to sit at the feet of the Creator.

Theology of Place.

Posted on by fearlessatheart

Sometimes, I get hit with the travel bug, simply watching airplanes fly by and wishing I was going somewhere.

Anywhere but here, I think.

I become discontent with where I am, not valuing the community God has placed me in.

Wishing for more.

Frustrated, I challenge God over the need to stay here.

I argue with God over the logical nature of putting in roots, desiring to be a wanderer, not a stationary figure.

God challenges me back.

What is so wrong with staying put for the time being? What is wrong with putting down roots and allowing people to know you? Truly know the Sara I created you to be.

When life has been a variety of hellos and goodbyes, I become use to the ideas of moving on.

I settled into to the idea of creating space for new adventures and possibilities, as my spiritual formation has been shaped by lush green springs, the grey, rainy days, the vast deserts in Africa, the blue-green oceans in Haiti and the magnificent mountains in Montana.

God has met me in so many places in the reality of my nomadic past.

Recently, the idea of a theology of place has challenged my nomadic desires of traveling the world.

Staying is even more terrifying than going.

It means knuckling down and doing the nitty-gritty acts of life with a community. It means sharing more than a piece of your story with the people you end up doing life with. It means daring to be known as the incredible imperfect mosaic of heartache and blessings that I am. It means unfurling my clenched hands and accepting myself. It means bravely deciding to stay put, when my heart knows it would be easier to go—to leave all I know for the unknown.

“Staying put and daring to be known, engaging in life with people just as imperfect and weird as me, staying through the seasons as they come and go is changing me to be more like the Jesus I love so wildly. It’s a different kind of fearlessness, the fearlessness of engaging in community—slowly and steadily and wholeheartedly. Real, hard conversations usually only come after a lot of surface conversations”.

Sarah Bessey

Staying put requires a fearlessness that says “I value this community more than I desire to be comfortable”. It says, “I choose you. I choose to be invested where I am instead of actively pursuing the need to be anywhere but here”. Staying allows us to embody the Gospel in our conversations, prayers in the living room, watching families grow, of friendship deepened by doing life together, and of choosing to invest in people’s lives.

Staying allows us to take off our masks and grow closer to God as we pursue the people who love us the most.

Getting to this place of accepting the importance of staying challenged me to change my attitude as I bravely decide that choosing to stay was more important than my desire to flee.

When life gets challenging or difficult, my impulse is to flee.

God continually reminds me that sometimes the greatest things happen when I allow the radical act of staying to shape my soul.

There is incredible freedom in allowing the holy work of staying to remind me that I need people and community to be a successful human being.

People who will ask me the hard questions and truly listen to my trials and victories.

The beauty in choosing to stay put is that I continually find Jesus reminding me that He will be my strength when the staying gets tough and the impulse to run is driving my emotions.

Sometimes, the act of staying is just as important as the act of going into the world.