Joy and Suffering

Posted on by fearlessatheart
  1. This has been a tough year for the Walthour family, and it is only June.

I almost died in an accident. I should have died, but God, in His mercy, decided that it wasn’t my time. They didn’t completely know the extent of my injuries, but they are hopeful for a full recovery. My youngest brother is in the hospital because he almost died from an infection. The doctors have no idea why or how he got it, or even what it is. He is weak but he is alive.

Needless to say, suffering is a common thread through our family. Joy and suffering. Those two words are complete opposites. James 1:2 states, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds”. How can you have joy in suffering? I am still wrestling with that question. The truth I cling to is that God is good. He must have a purpose for all this. Even when I have bad days, I hold onto that.

I am not always joyful. My family can attest to that, but even in those moments when joy seems so far away, I aim for Christ. I aim for His will. As followers of Christ, we are not entitled to a suffering free life. We should not be surprised by suffering, but we should plan on experiencing some. Jesus suffered, so why should we expect not to. 1 Peter 4:12 says, “Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal among you, which comes upon you for your testing, as though some strange things were happening to you.”

God is good. Even though I go through suffering, I see God’s faithfulness. I am able to have joy in God’s faithfulness to care for my soul. I think that is where my joy comes from. I see His faithfulness, even in the hard moments-especially in those moments. When I can’t do it by myself, He provides the strength to move forward.

I see His love in every moment, if only I look for them. I don’t want to be back in Mansfield. To be living at home. I was excited about living on my own-making my own way in the world.

While this is not what I would have chosen, I see God’s love in the unexpected. In the quiet moments, when I doubt God’s plan for the next step, He whispers, “Trust me. I’ve got a beautiful plan for you.”

I trust Him. He is writing my story, and He never leaves me alone in it. When I heard that BJ was being life flighted to Nationwide, I was scared-scared that I would lose my baby brother. God wrapped me in His arms and gave me this supernatural peace. He calmed my fears.

Joy and suffering. I’m still wrestling with what that means, but I do know one thing. Suffering makes me a little more like Christ.  If I can share, to other people going through the same thing, the way God helped me wade through it, then the suffering has a positive spin later. If it points to Christ, then it’s worth it. I can have joy in that.

Holding God’s Hand In The Darkness

Posted on by fearlessatheart

Have you ever wondered what God was like?

I have. Many times.

Through this season, I’ve grown closer to God. I’ve clung to God when there was no one else to cling to. I’ve clung to the truths that have been engrained in me since I was a young child. I don’t how people go through hard times without God.

I’ve seen a different side of God these past couple of months. I’ve always known God loves me, but I truly have experienced His love in a new way. Suffering brings me to the arms of the One who holds my heart in His hands. He wipes my tears away, and meets me in the middle of my fears. He is not afraid of the mess of my life.

I can’t explain it, but God seems closer to me.  This situation is hard and heartbreaking. It will be a long time before I’m back to normal, if I get back to normal. I need Christ to get through the day. I simply need Christ. This God, the One that wraps me in His grace, seems to know what I’m thinking before I do. When I couldn’t find the words, He understood me. He hears my cries.

On my hard days, He wraps me up in His arms and stays close. He whispers, “I love every fiber of your being. I love every scar, every seeming imperfections”. I have seen God’s hand as he continued to push me out of my comfort zone and fill me with life—incredible blessings as I step out in faith. He is the Creator of the Universe. The God who painted the colors of the sunset, and who drew the freckles on my nose. The One who moved the mountains rock by rock and who designed the intricacies of the human body. The One who continually seeks my heart even when I am difficult. And He loves me.

During this hard season, where all my insecurities rose to the top of my soul, God romances my soul.

He seeks me as the lover of His heart. I am not perfect. I am learning to see myself as He sees me.

I am learning to let Him love me. I am learning to accept His love.

God’s Faithfulness 

Posted on by fearlessatheart

I get to tell you of God’s faithfulness. Last fall, I was living the dream. I was just starting out on my own. I got my first job as a nurse. I was figuring out how to do this whole being an adult thing. I thought I had life kind of figured out.

In December, I was simply visiting my best friend in Ashland and planning her wedding. On Saturday, December 17th, I was heading home for a short time. It was foggy and icy. I don’t know what exactly happened, but I turned in front of another car on St. Rt. 30. I was hit on the left side, and it’s a miracle that I survived. The car was totaled, and I sustained several major injuries. My left ankle and pelvis were shattered. My bladder was ruptured, and I also had a brain injury. I was taken to Medcentral and ultimately transferred to Grant Hospital in Columbus. I had surgery on my leg, pelvis and bladder.

On the scan they did in the Emergency room, they saw damage on my liver and spleen. Since they were already opening me up to repair my bladder, they checked my liver and spleen. There was nothing on them! One of the many miracles God did. It was touch and go for a while. My parents didn’t know how extensive my brain injury was or if I would qualify for rehab. I did qualify for rehab, and I only spent 3 weeks in rehab. Slowly, but surely, I am getting better. I still have a long way to go, but I’m making progress.

I didn’t plan on this season but I’ve seen God move in every area. I am reading this book titled “Detours” by Tony Evans. The thing about detours is they are inconvenient, unwelcome, time-consuming, and surprising, but you still get where you are going. This season is a detour. I had so many other plans, but I’m here now. I could choose to have an attitude of discontentment, of anger, and of frustration, or I can choose to be content where I am and look for joy in the apparent chaos. I’m learning to trust God more. Last summer, I worried about getting a job, passing my NCLEX, and finding an apartment. Those now seem trivial because God spared my life. Recovery could have gone so differently. It is going to take a long time, but they are hopeful for a full recovery.

I met Jesus years ago as a tiny tot, but the relationship has ebbed and flowed over the years. Recently, as I sought him more deeply, I discovered his heart for people and me. Through this season, I am learning to seek Him more deeply. In my insecurities, in my imperfections, in my anxieties, and in my weariness, I am learning that I am enough. I didn’t have to be perfect to earn His love.  I could just be me with him. I realized that my insecurities were lies that Satan had pushed to the forefront of my mind to distract me from who I was and where I was going. I allowed him to distract me. I allowed him to feed me the lies that I began to believe about myself and my future. I allowed him to steal my happiness until God sought me out and reminded me where I belong.

Somehow, in my distance, God continued to remind me that I am his beloved. His Beloved. Those are words that have been spoken over me my entire life.  I know what the words mean in my head, but it has been a struggle to truly know the words as they are written on my heart. Recently, as I allow the truth of God’s word to diffuse over my soul, He has whispered the words “You are loved” over and over again. You are loved in your imperfections—because I am perfect. You are loved in your weakness—because I am strong. You are loved in your fears—because I am the Prince of Peace. You are loved in strengths—because I created you in my image. As I sought my Savior, I allowed the depth and reality of his actions on the cross to remind me of the breath of his love for me. I do not deserve God’s unwavering love, but I am learning to accept it and allow his opinion to dictate my actions.  Slowly, I am learning not to let my insecurities hold me back from being brave. I have many people around me—supporting me—but in my head, it’s only me and Jesus.

Recently, I came across a blog that I had written before graduation when everything was uncertain. In it, I wrote, “Uncertainly, I approach the feet of the God who orchestrates my life. I lay my ready made plans at His feet. Tattered and worn from being pulled out and constantly reworked to fit my needs, they clatter to the ground. My hopes. My plans. My dreams. My future. Trust me. He whispers as He gathers up my well-organized plans in his arms. I watch as He takes my dreams and plans and puts them aside. Trust me. I have a plan for you. I offer an uncertain yes.”

I don’t know what the future hold, but I have to trust that God is good and His plan for me is ultimately good.

Let’s Be Wild

Posted on by fearlessatheart

I was self-conscious before, but now I am really self-conscious. I feel like my voice sounds weird, weirder than normal. I feel people staring at me when I walk. I must look embarrassing because I feel really awkward. When I try to write, it is difficult. I perceive my scars are blatantly obvious, like they are flashing lights on a billboard.

I struggled with insecurity since I could remember. Before my accident, I was beginning to get a handle on my insecurities. I was beginning to let God’s love diffuse through my soul, erasing my insecurities. Now, I am really learning what it means to not compare myself to others.

I have a lot to be insecure about now. I have several scars. I don’t walk normally yet. My speech is understandable, but it is not back to where it was. I am insecure about everything, it seems like. 

But, I am learning to see myself the way God sees me.

I am learning that I can’t change who I am. I can’t change my scars or my limitations. The stuff that I am insecure about makes me—Sara Beth. I can accept myself-my scars, my limitations-and allow God to be glorified.

I shouldn’t be insecure about what God created. If I frown on what God has created, it’s like a smack in God’s face.

Through this season, I am learning what makes me—Sara beth. I am diving into who God made me and striving to not focus as much on my insecurities.

I am choosing to be wild. Not wild as in acting crazy, dressing unique, and rebelling against society. Wild as in the living and growing in the natural environment.

It’s going to be hard, but I am deciding not to listen to what the world says. So, I choose to listen to who God says I am. I let God diffuse over my insecurities and my fears. Considering all I’ve been through, it is not surprising that my insecurities are rising back to the surface. I can choose to focus on them, or on the One who put the stars in place.

I am trying not to care what other people think about me. It is a progress of throwing off the things that I have believed my whole life and putting on who God says I am.

Yes, I have scars but they are proof that I survived. I am a survivor and that is something to be proud of.

Yes, I walk awkwardly. I get looks when I walk. People ask me if I need a wheelchair, but at least I can walk. There was a point that my parents didn’t know what would happen to me.

Yes, I have difficulty speaking. My rate is slower. My voice sometimes sounds nasally. I don’t put enough emotion behind my words. At least, I can talk.

I might have insecurities, but at least, I am alive.

So, I am deciding to be wild.

I am choosing to accept myself just the way I am-my looks, my fears, my limitations. I am choosing to be bold in the pursuit of what I like-what I am passionate about.

Let’s be wild.

Let’s throw off the expectations of society. Not because we don’t care about them, but because we don’t need to care too much about them.

Detours

Posted on by fearlessatheart

The thing about detours is that they are inconvenient, unwelcome, time-consuming, and surprising. You may take a longer route, but eventually you still get where you are going.

This season is a detour in my life-in my destiny. I had so many other plans, but I’m here, in Mansfield, now. I could choose to have an attitude of discontentment, of anger, and of frustration, or I can choose to be content where I am and look for joy in the apparent chaos.

There is no person in the Scripture who illustrates the principles of detours in relationship to destiny than Joseph. His life reads like a good suspense novel. It has twists and turns along the way-not all of them planned. We read, “But Joseph said to them,’Do not be afraid, for am I in God’s place? As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive.” (Gen. 50:19-20)

Detours often contain evil. They may contain bad people. We suffer under the evil of people acting badly or our own bad choices producing bitterness, cynicism, hate, and stunted growth. It is only when we consider the whole phrase-“you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good”-that we are able to reach our destiny through the detours. God doesn’t orchestrate hoops that we have to jump through, but He often turns the messiness in our lives into a message for ourselves and others.

God knew Joseph’s brothers would sell him into slavery. He knew Joseph would get bought by Potifar and get tempted by his wife. God knew Joseph would get thrown into prison. The only thing Joseph had any control over was his attitude.

He continued to praise God, even when life, by anyone’s standards, was dire. He was in prison with very minimal hope of getting out.

In every detour, we have a choice. We can choose to be angry at God, upset with our circumstances and disappointed because things are not going your way. Or we can choose to welcome the moments, look for God working in the midst of the chaos, and see God’s glory. God can take your bad experiences and turn them into tools to bring Him glory.

I don’t know what the future hold, but I have to trust that God is good and His plan for me is ultimately good.

 

Giants Fall

Posted on by fearlessatheart

Today, we celebrate Christ and His power.

Years ago, Jesus rode into Jerusalem on a donkey with the people waving palm branches. He was being celebrated as the king He was and still is. As American Christians, we find the idea of people welcoming a king with palm branches a little weird. In Israel, they would not think it was weird in the least.

 If an important person was coming to your city in Ancient Israel, you would greet them outside the city and walk them with shouts of joy and celebration. The fact that Jesus walked in and was celebrated as a king was surprising because most people didn’t truly believe that He was the messiah. Even the donkey held significance because a king would only ride a donkey if he came in peace.

Palm Sunday has always been significant in my life because we celebrate the kingship of Jesus. Next Sunday, we will celebrate the resurrection of Jesus and that He defeated death. This year the Easter season has a fresh meaning in my life. Not only do we celebrate Jesus’ kingship on Palm Sunday, we praise who He is. 


He is good. He is powerful. He is love. He is peace. He is faithful.

This year, I truly believe that I am only alive and doing so well because of Him. He is king over all creation and He chose to rescue me.

He chose to rescue me. I don’t know why He chose to save me, but God must not be finished with me here on earth. I don’t know what He has in store for me, but God has already been glorified through my accident. 

He is truly good.

The road to recovery will be long and hard, but not impossible. A song by Francesca Battistelli is called ” Giants Fall”. Sometimes, we see giants in our path and get scared. Scared that the thing won’t happen or that it will take longer. Scared of the giants and what they represent. But God is in the habit of making giants fall.


He has already knocked down several giants, and He will continue to do so. 

It Is Well With My Soul

Posted on by fearlessatheart

In church, we sang the hymn It Is Well With My Soul.

I really resonated with that hymn. My body may be broken. It may not do what I want it to, but all is well with my soul. Your body is earthly. It would be nice if my body would do what I am used to doing because I am human. I am selfish. What truly matters is where my soul is. I can honestly say it is well with my soul.

I know where my Hope lies and I trust Him. Everything I worried about last summer-the NCLEX, a job, an apartment-seem like little things compared to this. 

God didn’t cause the accident, but He used it in my life and other people’s lives as well. For that I am thankful.  

It matters now whether or not my body works, but it won’t matter in eternity. The state of my soul matters in eternity. It determines where you go, and it determines how you act in this life.

I went to my church this morning for the first time since my accident, and I was overwhelmed by the support and encouragement. I am loved by God and His church. A friend in a wheelchair next to me said, “It’s one miracle looking at another”.

My recovery is all attributed to God. Even before  the accident, I would say it is well with my soul. It means more now because I can only rely on Him. I could rely on my own strength but it won’t lead the same results. Right now, my body is not cooperating with me. My own strength is failing me. So there is nowhere to look but up at the Creator of the Universe and ask for strength.

The hymn, It Is Well With My Soul, means more to me now. 

It is true. 

It is well with my soul.

Only Christ

Posted on by fearlessatheart

“It takes time.”

I have heard that so many times and it still frustrates me. I know healing will take time because I am a nurse and human, but I don’t have much patience with myself.

The road to getting better is long and hard. I will become more patient with myself as time goes on, but I don’t have it now. So therapy now is harder than it should be because I don’t have much patience with myself.

I’m lucky! I shouldn’t have made it out of the car wreck. Everyone calls me a miracle, and that is what I am. God must have something for me to do or He must have something planned for me.

It will take time but now is a perfect time to focus on Jesus. I got to a place before the accident that it was just me and Jesus. I trust Him a lot more because I have seen firsthand His mercies. I trusted Him before but this is different. I can see some of what He is capable of which changes what I trust Him with. I know now I can trust Him with anything big or small because He saved me.

Oftentimes, after a tragedy it is common for people to trust God because He is their refuge. There is truth in that. God is my refuge when times get tough. I do not know what I would do without Him. He is my daily strength. Jesus is the only reason I get through the day, and I’m better off than some people. 

It is still just me and Jesus. I have lots of people I love around me, but inside my head it is only me and Jesus. Before the accident, I had everything planned out but God had different plans. The time that I could have spent focused on other things will be focused on Jesus and His kingdom.

Inside my head is where I wrestle with God, I yell at Him, and I love Him. Nothing about this situation is fair but if it is only so I become more dependent on Him, it will be worth it. Habits are things you cultivate over time, so this situation will cultivate a dependence on God which is unique.

It gives me a different outlook on God. One that only I have because I’m the one that personally went through it. I have a bigger view of God because I know He can do the impossible.
I can take this time to learn as much as I can about my savior and myself. Focus on Christ and what He has done for me. I need to use this time to focus on what He would like me to do now, and how I can further His kingdom. I want to be more like Him daily.

Only Christ.

Life is Messy, but God is Good

Posted on by fearlessatheart

I have problem understanding God.

I was just in a motor vehicle accident.  I was hit on the left side and I am lucky to be alive. God saved me for a purpose and I have not figured out why yet.

So many people were praying for me and even inspired by me. I didn’t ask for any of it but maybe God has a bigger picture in mind.

I hurt. My ribs were bruised, my pelvis and my lower leg and ankle were shattered, and my bladder was damaged. All in all, I’m lucky to be alive but I hurt. It could definitely be worse but it is hard to see God’s mercy when I hurt!

I know God is good but it is hard for me to trust that when I am going through so much. I feel obligated to understand God because of all He has done for me but God likes it when we are honest.

Sometimes, I do not think this is fair.

Sometimes, I think the future is unattainable.

sometimes, I think the road back to recovery is long and hard.

God likes it when we are real with Him because right now life stinks. I was in a good place before the accident. I had just gotten a good nursing job. I acquired a place in a newish city. I had just gotten to a place where it was just me and Jesus.

I have to work harder to get back to where I was previously.

Sometimes I understand Him like when I think about what He has done for me and how far He has brought me. I trust Him when I think about how He has already used my accident to bring Himself glory. A friend and I were talking about how many people prayed for me, supported me, and surrounded my parents in love. That is the way the church should be. I had people praying for me from different continents and all over America. That is how the church should respond, coming together in a person’s time of need.

I can’t be discouraged all the time and that is the key. I know for me it is hard to be positive all the time and most of the letters, visitors, and Facebook posts are all positive. I needed that at that moment or my parents needed that because they felt like giving up at times. There needs to be a balance of trusting God and grieving. You can’t lose your faith in God within your doubt.

Fundamentally, I believe that God has things under control and that He has a bigger plan for this tragedy but it is hard to see the bigger picture. I can see the ways God is being merciful in the little ways. The ways that are more evident. I even think that the fact that God saved me from the wreck, the fact that I had minimal internal injuries, and my fast progress show God’s faithfulness.

I trust that God has everything under control but I can’t see the bigger picture. Everyone can’t always see the big picture of what God is doing when you are looking forward. You can see what God is preparing you for when you look back. God is constantly preparing us through the easy times and the hard times.

It just frustrates me that I can’t see the bigger picture but I know God is good. Through it all, it is me and Jesus.

When Being Brave Means Letting Go.

Posted on by fearlessatheart

I chose to be audacious this year.

I determined to be recklessly brave even in the little things.

Brave. Courageous. Audacious.

The year of brave, my friend and I called it.

Only eleven months into my journey of being brave, and it has been such a wild ride. I have learned to step out of my comfort zone, when the necessary action terrifies me. I knew it was not going to be easy, but I was not prepared for how scared or lonely I would be at times. I experienced the beauty in being vulnerable with someone and allowing myself to love him. I wrestled with the heartbreak that comes when that relationship ends, even if it is the best thing for both parties. I started a new job-one that pushed me out of my comfort zone.  I discovered a love for the city that I moved to as I chose to stay and invest in my community. Bravely, I strived to reclaim my dreams that I unintentionally put aside.

This year of being brave challenged me, even scared, me, but naively, I believed I would still hold some control over my life and the changes that were about to occur.

 Silly me, I had no control.

The past couple of months have been stock full of good and hard changes, but my head could not wrap its head around the fact that life would be vastly different.

The array of emotions that flooded into the life I started to make in Akron surprised me-the celebration of being established in an apartment, starting a new job, settling into new friendships, and relinquishing claims on old relationships.

To fully settle into my life during the transition, I needed to let go of a lot of things. I let go of a certain person as the relationship ended. Letting go of someone hurts even if it is the right thing to do. That person, who was once a major part of my life, was suddenly a stranger with history behind us.  Things would never be exactly the same. Letting go is extremely hard and the heart grieves what was lost, but it is a necessary part of moving on. Letting go of people, places, emotions, life stages-it is all hard and takes quite a bit of bravery.

I let go of a stage of life I would never return to. I would never again be a traditional college student. Losing that immediate community where I was known, loved, and cared for startled me. I needed to grieve the loss of that stage of life-of that community- as I step into the next one. As I take brave steps to build a new community, to be known by strangers and to be loved by my church.

I am not a novice at letting go-at transitions of life. My whole life has been a series of changes, and I have had a lot of practice saying goodbye to people and moving on. The practice does not make each new encounter easier. I may be good at change, but I still do not like it. Whenever the possibility of change or transition appears, I get nervous–scared-palms-sweaty, heart-racing, butterflies-my-stomach nervous–because the possibility of getting hurt terrified me. I want to run from the change and hold on to the stability that comes with the things that I know.

The leaves change colors and seasons changes which reminds me that there is beauty in letting the dead things go. Just as the trees let go of the old leaves so that new growth can occur, letting go of something leaves my hands wide open to welcome new things.  Every day, I learn to allow the space between where I want to be and where I am to inspire me and not terrify me. Moving forward into this new season, I am brave and choose to do things that make me happy-the things that give me life in the midst of chaos. I am discovering the things that make me—Sara Beth. I am rediscovering the things that remind me of the necessity of learning how to stay put and invest in the community rather than running from the transitions.

Freedom shows up in being able to let go of the emotions and feelings that have been weighing heavily on my heart over the past couple months as thing after thing in my life changed.

Joy presents itself as I reclaim my wildness-rediscovering the passions and desires that God has placed in my heart.

Bravery exists as I lay the messy emotions and transitions at the feet of a loving God who gathers me into his lap whispering “I love you” in my ear.