Tag: God

A Journey to Confidence 

Posted on by fearlessatheart

Insecurity has been a struggle for me since I can remember. I grew up on the mission field so I was always  different. I looked different when I was in Africa, and I acted different when I was in America. When I was growing up, I wanted blue eyes and straight hair because that’s what all “Americans” had. 

When we moved back, I was in 6th grade. Middle school is confusing enough without changing continents. My identity was all messed up-I didn’t know where I belonged and fit in. I looked like my peers, but I felt different. I found myself laughing at things because others were laughing. I had no idea what was funny. I got really good at making it seem like I knew about a book or movie that everyone else knew. I wanted to belong, but I felt different.

I craved belonging. 

I ended up finding my identity in academics. I was good at school so I became the smartest I could be. I embraced the title of “smart girl” because that meant people were noticing me. I was a people pleaser. How people saw me would make or break an experience. I would always have makeup on, dress nice, and be put together. It was people’s opinion that mattered and I usually came up short. Someone was always prettier, more talented, and smarter than me. This carried over to college. In my relationships, I was overly concerned about how people saw me. I became afraid that they were only my friends because of pity-because I initiated it.

I was becoming more confident in myself and accepting the uniqueness of my soul. Last fall, a series of events caused my insecurities to be taken out and hung like laundry on a line-flapping around in the wind. I turned to God, letting Him romance me as the lover of my soul. I was in the process of taking the down and folding them as God whispered “You are loved. You are enough.”

Then, the accident happened. My life changed that day, not just physically but emotionally as well. My close friends rarely left my side. My relationship with them was more than just convenient, it was deep. They weren’t friends with me out of pity-they chose me. Some of them were even at Grant before I was transferred there. In the hospital, I had more pressing issues than my physical appearance. I didn’t care how I looked. Survival was the upmost priority. 

Now, I’m insecure about specific things, like how I walk and how I talk, but I don’t care as much what people think. My need to please others is minimal. I don’t do things just because people expect it of me. No is a bigger part of my vocabulary. My outfits of choice are shirts and athletic shorts, which show my scars. It’s weird, because of my brain injury, I don’t know where I fit in the world anymore, but I’m more secure in myself-in what makes me Sara Beth. Life is short and my energy is limited so I choose to put my energy in things I’m really interested in. I had so many plans of how my life would go and then, they vanished after the accident. I am starting to get glimpses of the possibilities, which encourages my soul. 

It’s still a journey to a confidant me. Each day is better than the last. It requires so much bravery to love myself just as I am-all my quirks and faults. I’m learning to see myself as God sees me-a beautiful, smart, and loved daughter of the King.

Solitude 

Posted on by fearlessatheart

Solitude.

That word holds some stigma.

Loneliness. Seclusion. Desert. Backwoods.

When I returned from rehab, I had not been alone alone for several months. I craved solitude. I craved space for my soul to breathe. 

I used to despise solitude. I didn’t exactly know what to do when everything was quiet, and I could only hear my soul. Sometime during college, I learned the art of quieting my mind-being alone with God.

Now, people make me tired. I crave solitude. I need to be alone to let my brain rest. It takes a lot of brain energy to process what people are saying, to think about what to say next, and actually saying it. 

Sometimes, it’s frustrating because I want to be around people, but my brain is not having it. It gets overwhelmed quite easily. Solitude allows me to be alone with myself-process what I’m going through.

At times, it is just me and Jesus, and I’m okay with that. He calms my fears and quiets my soul.

Surrender 

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Surrender.

That’s been a theme throughout this season. I have to surrender control. I need to give up my plans. This is definitely not how I pictured my life a year ago. I would be living on my own in Akron, working with my best friend, and figuring out how to do this whole adult life.

I didn’t figure a car accident into my plans or being unemployed for 8 months. I don’t think anyone plans for life to sideswipe them.

Surrender control.

I realize how little control I have. I’m a planner. I mean I had my whole college career planned out at my second advising meeting. It is scary to realize you are not in charge of how your life will go. It is frightening to give up control-to let go of your plans, but that’s what God asks of me. I thought I had this all figured out last summer. I didn’t know what would happen after graduation, but things are more uncertain now. Sometimes, it’s challenging just getting through the day.

In church, we sang My Heart is Yours by Kristian Stanfill.

“My heart is Yours

My heart is Yours

Take it all

Take it all

My life in Your hands”

These lyrics really stood out to me. I can’t sing those lyrics, and not believe them. My life is in God’s hands-God’s perfect, caring hands. If I’m letting go of control, it is into capable hands. It’s terrifying surrendering control. It takes a lot of bravery to surrender control. It takes a lot of courage to continue to put one foot in front of the other when you have no idea what is coming.

The thing I cling to is that God is good. If he chooses not to heal me (because I believe He can), it’s about the bigger picture. It’s about God’s plan of love and redemption. So this life is not about me, it’s about God.

 

When God is big

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Something about mountains makes you feel so small.

They remind you of the bigger picture—that God is good and in charge of the world. It puts life into perspective. When all you have to focus on is your problems, they seem so big—so overwhelming.  But when you look at the mountains, you realize that you make up a small aspect of this big world. Your problems are only a blimp in the radar that is life.

Recently, I went to Seattle. Being in the mountains, my soul was able to breathe. I remember I felt this way last summer when I went to Montana. I had just taken my NCLEX. A lot of things where uncertain, but looking at those magnificent mountains, I knew God has everything under control. I realized the bigness of God and the smallness of me.

I got the same feeling when I took in the mountains this summer. God is bigger than a brain injury, and it took looking at the mountains for that to sink in. It is not about me, it is all about Him. I play a small role in adventure called life. When I focus on all my problems, it becomes all about me. I think, “Why me? This isn’t fair.” But, when I take in the mountains, I figure out that this situation is about more than just me. I get a glimpse into the big picture.

Something about mountains puts life into perspective. You realize that the God who created the grandiose mountains cares about your thoughts and desires. This God holds your heart in his hands. He cares about your struggles. You don’t have to do it all by yourself. You may be small and overwhelmed by your seemingly big problems. But God is bigger than any problem. God is bigger. When I see the mountains, I picture my problems as big as them. God holds my problems in his hands. He picks up those mountains as if they are nothing.

Looking at the grandness of the mountains, I knew, in my soul, that God holds everything in his hands. He has a plan for my life. I just have to put my life in His large and capable hands.

Looking at the mountains, my soul was able to breathe because it finally sunk in that God is bigger than any problem I faced. The pressure was lifted from my soul because God had control.

Choose Joy

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I lost my joy. I am not ashamed to admit it.

A couple weeks ago, I realized that I wouldn’t return to floor nursing as soon as I thought. I could push to return, but it wouldn’t be smart to rush my healing. It hit me hard.

Like really hard.

I picture floor nursing as normal. That, in my head, was the defining factor of being a nurse. That’s what everyone I graduated with is doing. However twisted or false the thought was, I thought floor nursing makes someone a nurse. I hadn’t even been a nurse, a floor nurse, for 6 months.

I lost the will to fight. I thought, “If I can’t be normal, why even try.”

The only reason I made it this far was that I was a fighter. If I couldn’t do something, I would try again until I got it. I was determined.

So when I lost the will to fight, I got more irritable and grumpy. I used the word “stuck” in reference to staying in Mansfield. I lost my joy.

I wrote things because I know I used to believe it or I should believe it, but I didn’t. I hoped by writing them, they would sink into my heart.

I keep saying I won’t be normal again. I wasn’t normal before my accident. I grew up in Africa so that makes me different. Normal is overrated anyway. I won’t be the same Sara I was before my accident, but I’m still Sara. I may have different strengths and hardships, that is inevitable, but I’m alive. I am still making progress. My rehab doctor says it takes about two years for the brain to fully heal.

I’m only 6 months into a 24 months period. I have made a ton of progress, but I still have a long way to go.  

Today, I decided to fight. I gained back my will to fight. My brother says, “Those who say they can and those who say they can’t are both right”. If I have the attitude that I won’t do it, then I won’t return to floor nursing. And maybe I won’t return, but at least I’ll go down fighting.

So I’ve decided to choose joy. Joy is not happiness. Joy is not an emotion, it’s a choice. Joy is believing that God is in control and that God is good. It is to base your joy on something that is eternal.

I choose joy. I’ve decided to get my joy back.

Especially when it’s hard, I need to choose joy. It will not always be easy to choose joy. It is easier to sit in my bed, moping about the fact that I won’t return to floor nursing as fast as I hoped. But, that is not beneficial to me or the people around me.

That doesn’t mean I’m always happy. This is definitely not how I pictured my life going. There are plenty of times where I yell at God, and wondering why me.

I choose joy because regardless of how I feel, I know that God is good. I just lost sight of that for a moment.

Even when it feels so far away, I choose joy.

Joy and Suffering

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  1. This has been a tough year for the Walthour family, and it is only June.

I almost died in an accident. I should have died, but God, in His mercy, decided that it wasn’t my time. They didn’t completely know the extent of my injuries, but they are hopeful for a full recovery. My youngest brother is in the hospital because he almost died from an infection. The doctors have no idea why or how he got it, or even what it is. He is weak but he is alive.

Needless to say, suffering is a common thread through our family. Joy and suffering. Those two words are complete opposites. James 1:2 states, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds”. How can you have joy in suffering? I am still wrestling with that question. The truth I cling to is that God is good. He must have a purpose for all this. Even when I have bad days, I hold onto that.

I am not always joyful. My family can attest to that, but even in those moments when joy seems so far away, I aim for Christ. I aim for His will. As followers of Christ, we are not entitled to a suffering free life. We should not be surprised by suffering, but we should plan on experiencing some. Jesus suffered, so why should we expect not to. 1 Peter 4:12 says, “Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal among you, which comes upon you for your testing, as though some strange things were happening to you.”

God is good. Even though I go through suffering, I see God’s faithfulness. I am able to have joy in God’s faithfulness to care for my soul. I think that is where my joy comes from. I see His faithfulness, even in the hard moments-especially in those moments. When I can’t do it by myself, He provides the strength to move forward.

I see His love in every moment, if only I look for them. I don’t want to be back in Mansfield. To be living at home. I was excited about living on my own-making my own way in the world.

While this is not what I would have chosen, I see God’s love in the unexpected. In the quiet moments, when I doubt God’s plan for the next step, He whispers, “Trust me. I’ve got a beautiful plan for you.”

I trust Him. He is writing my story, and He never leaves me alone in it. When I heard that BJ was being life flighted to Nationwide, I was scared-scared that I would lose my baby brother. God wrapped me in His arms and gave me this supernatural peace. He calmed my fears.

Joy and suffering. I’m still wrestling with what that means, but I do know one thing. Suffering makes me a little more like Christ.  If I can share, to other people going through the same thing, the way God helped me wade through it, then the suffering has a positive spin later. If it points to Christ, then it’s worth it. I can have joy in that.

Holding God’s Hand In The Darkness

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Have you ever wondered what God was like?

I have. Many times.

Through this season, I’ve grown closer to God. I’ve clung to God when there was no one else to cling to. I’ve clung to the truths that have been engrained in me since I was a young child. I don’t how people go through hard times without God.

I’ve seen a different side of God these past couple of months. I’ve always known God loves me, but I truly have experienced His love in a new way. Suffering brings me to the arms of the One who holds my heart in His hands. He wipes my tears away, and meets me in the middle of my fears. He is not afraid of the mess of my life.

I can’t explain it, but God seems closer to me.  This situation is hard and heartbreaking. It will be a long time before I’m back to normal, if I get back to normal. I need Christ to get through the day. I simply need Christ. This God, the One that wraps me in His grace, seems to know what I’m thinking before I do. When I couldn’t find the words, He understood me. He hears my cries.

On my hard days, He wraps me up in His arms and stays close. He whispers, “I love every fiber of your being. I love every scar, every seeming imperfections”. I have seen God’s hand as he continued to push me out of my comfort zone and fill me with life—incredible blessings as I step out in faith. He is the Creator of the Universe. The God who painted the colors of the sunset, and who drew the freckles on my nose. The One who moved the mountains rock by rock and who designed the intricacies of the human body. The One who continually seeks my heart even when I am difficult. And He loves me.

During this hard season, where all my insecurities rose to the top of my soul, God romances my soul.

He seeks me as the lover of His heart. I am not perfect. I am learning to see myself as He sees me.

I am learning to let Him love me. I am learning to accept His love.

Detours

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The thing about detours is that they are inconvenient, unwelcome, time-consuming, and surprising. You may take a longer route, but eventually you still get where you are going.

This season is a detour in my life-in my destiny. I had so many other plans, but I’m here, in Mansfield, now. I could choose to have an attitude of discontentment, of anger, and of frustration, or I can choose to be content where I am and look for joy in the apparent chaos.

There is no person in the Scripture who illustrates the principles of detours in relationship to destiny than Joseph. His life reads like a good suspense novel. It has twists and turns along the way-not all of them planned. We read, “But Joseph said to them,’Do not be afraid, for am I in God’s place? As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive.” (Gen. 50:19-20)

Detours often contain evil. They may contain bad people. We suffer under the evil of people acting badly or our own bad choices producing bitterness, cynicism, hate, and stunted growth. It is only when we consider the whole phrase-“you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good”-that we are able to reach our destiny through the detours. God doesn’t orchestrate hoops that we have to jump through, but He often turns the messiness in our lives into a message for ourselves and others.

God knew Joseph’s brothers would sell him into slavery. He knew Joseph would get bought by Potifar and get tempted by his wife. God knew Joseph would get thrown into prison. The only thing Joseph had any control over was his attitude.

He continued to praise God, even when life, by anyone’s standards, was dire. He was in prison with very minimal hope of getting out.

In every detour, we have a choice. We can choose to be angry at God, upset with our circumstances and disappointed because things are not going your way. Or we can choose to welcome the moments, look for God working in the midst of the chaos, and see God’s glory. God can take your bad experiences and turn them into tools to bring Him glory.

I don’t know what the future hold, but I have to trust that God is good and His plan for me is ultimately good.

 

It Is Well With My Soul

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In church, we sang the hymn It Is Well With My Soul.

I really resonated with that hymn. My body may be broken. It may not do what I want it to, but all is well with my soul. Your body is earthly. It would be nice if my body would do what I am used to doing because I am human. I am selfish. What truly matters is where my soul is. I can honestly say it is well with my soul.

I know where my Hope lies and I trust Him. Everything I worried about last summer-the NCLEX, a job, an apartment-seem like little things compared to this. 

God didn’t cause the accident, but He used it in my life and other people’s lives as well. For that I am thankful.  

It matters now whether or not my body works, but it won’t matter in eternity. The state of my soul matters in eternity. It determines where you go, and it determines how you act in this life.

I went to my church this morning for the first time since my accident, and I was overwhelmed by the support and encouragement. I am loved by God and His church. A friend in a wheelchair next to me said, “It’s one miracle looking at another”.

My recovery is all attributed to God. Even before  the accident, I would say it is well with my soul. It means more now because I can only rely on Him. I could rely on my own strength but it won’t lead the same results. Right now, my body is not cooperating with me. My own strength is failing me. So there is nowhere to look but up at the Creator of the Universe and ask for strength.

The hymn, It Is Well With My Soul, means more to me now. 

It is true. 

It is well with my soul.

Only Christ

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“It takes time.”

I have heard that so many times and it still frustrates me. I know healing will take time because I am a nurse and human, but I don’t have much patience with myself.

The road to getting better is long and hard. I will become more patient with myself as time goes on, but I don’t have it now. So therapy now is harder than it should be because I don’t have much patience with myself.

I’m lucky! I shouldn’t have made it out of the car wreck. Everyone calls me a miracle, and that is what I am. God must have something for me to do or He must have something planned for me.

It will take time but now is a perfect time to focus on Jesus. I got to a place before the accident that it was just me and Jesus. I trust Him a lot more because I have seen firsthand His mercies. I trusted Him before but this is different. I can see some of what He is capable of which changes what I trust Him with. I know now I can trust Him with anything big or small because He saved me.

Oftentimes, after a tragedy it is common for people to trust God because He is their refuge. There is truth in that. God is my refuge when times get tough. I do not know what I would do without Him. He is my daily strength. Jesus is the only reason I get through the day, and I’m better off than some people. 

It is still just me and Jesus. I have lots of people I love around me, but inside my head it is only me and Jesus. Before the accident, I had everything planned out but God had different plans. The time that I could have spent focused on other things will be focused on Jesus and His kingdom.

Inside my head is where I wrestle with God, I yell at Him, and I love Him. Nothing about this situation is fair but if it is only so I become more dependent on Him, it will be worth it. Habits are things you cultivate over time, so this situation will cultivate a dependence on God which is unique.

It gives me a different outlook on God. One that only I have because I’m the one that personally went through it. I have a bigger view of God because I know He can do the impossible.
I can take this time to learn as much as I can about my savior and myself. Focus on Christ and what He has done for me. I need to use this time to focus on what He would like me to do now, and how I can further His kingdom. I want to be more like Him daily.

Only Christ.