Tag: TBI

Work. Rest. Repeat.

Posted on by fearlessatheart

Rest.

This is a word that most people hate because it eludes the idea of unproductivity.

In the “going…going…gone” mentality of society today, it appears lazy to rest and take time for yourself.

Selfish even.

I have learned though, that rest is not a bad word, in fact, it is necessary for life.

God rested. Why shouldn’t I?

What is keeping me from taking time out of my busy schedule to refresh my soul? What is stopping me from resting my body and soul from the craziness of work etc?

The answer was simple.

Nothing.

I offered up the excuses of “I am too busy.” and “Everything is important.”

But the bottom line is if I do not rest, I get burnt out and then all my hard work being productive is for naught because I crash and burn.

Burnt out, I become a shell of a being striving, but failing to thrive.

Since my accident, I’ve realized the value of rest. Normal people, when they are tired, can push through and still get things do. I can’t. When I’m tired, my injuries get more pronounced. My voice slurs, my limp gets worse, and I get double vision. I NEED to schedule in rest, which is sometimes frustrating. I want to do everything, but I realize that I cannot.

Recently, I allowed myself to believe the lies that I was okay. I could handle anything life threw at me.

I could not.

Unconsciously, I stressed myself out with needing to be everything to everybody, and the people closest to me receive the brunt of my jaded sarcasm because I was not caring for myself well.

I was growing and being challenged by God, but I was not allowing time for my soul to relax and truly absorb all the wise and wonderful things He was teaching me.

This past weekend, I chose rest.

I chose sleep.

I chose to soak in the sun.

I chose to refresh my soul, allowing God and inspiring friends to pour into my soul.

Rested, I am more productive and energized because I am not stressed out and sleep deprived.

Scheduling in rest periods or Sabbath time will not be easy as life happens, but the practice of taking time out of my daily or weekly schedule to remind myself that I am valued, loved and cherished by the Creator of the Universe will benefit me in the long run.

By taking time out of my week, I remind myself that my identity is not found in all that I can accomplish.

The catch to taking a Sabbath is that the time that I devote to checking items off a list needs to be effective and useful. If not, I get stuck in the rest/rush cycle that is just as exhausting as working around the clock.

Rested and refreshed, I am reminded that I need to continue to find time to sit at the feet of the Creator.

When God Changes Your Dreams

Posted on by fearlessatheart

“God surpasses our dreams when we reach past our personal plans and agenda to grab the hand of Christ and walk the path he chose for us. He is obligated to keep us dissatisfied until we come to him and his plan for complete satisfaction.”
― Beth Moore

It is so easy to try and do things my way.

The most common questions I get asked these days are “What are you doing now?” or “What’s next?”

These questions challenge me to think about what I am doing? Where I am going?

But, in reality, it is not about me.

It is about God.

What is God’s will for my life?

I have no idea what I am even going to do this year?

I have no plans.

That is terrifying…..

And exciting.

I have a general idea where I would like to end up doing, but I have no clue what the next step is. For some reason though, I do not need to know. I felt a peace.

I knew deep down that God, the author of my dreams and desires, would be able to organize my life. My job is to simply take the next right step, whatever that may be.

Your Will Done Your Way.

I can’t seem to get these words out of my head. I tend to feel more anxious when I try to follow my way.

My Will Done My Way.

That is often the way I want to run things. The problem is that things often go COMPLETELY wrong!

Somehow, I think I am going in the right direction or doing things the right way, but often I find that my way is not working.

Your Will Done Your Way.

There is a lot of unknowns this year such as jobs, therapy, and life. But the awesome thing, is that no matter what I do, God has got it. He holds everything in His capable hands.

When I graduated college, I was convinced that pediatric hematology/oncology was where I was called. I was fascinated by genetic blood disorders and desired to research them overseas. Now, my desires have changed a little. While I still think that would be interesting and needed, I’m thinking about rehab nursing now. Never in a million years would I have considered it before, but now it’s on my mind. I know what it’s like to be in rehab. I know how frustrating it is when you’re thinking really hard, but your body isn’t cooperating. I can relate because I’ve been there.

It’s funny how God changes our dreams. It’s not about me—it’s about God’s love for the whole world.

Sometimes, we think that if we give God our desires, passions, and wants, then he will trick us and give us something we don’t want.

That is the opposite of what he does.

He places passions, gifts and talents in my hearts and lives for a specific purpose.

He CREATED us for a specific purpose.

He may reveal his will for my lives in small amounts, and it may look different than I initially plan it to be.

God is in the business of creating dreams and changing them to fit His passion for loving the world.

Ultimately, his plan is infinitely greater than anything that I could dream up.

I mean, he is the CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE!

“It is about the greatness of God, not the significance of man. God made man small and the universe big to say something about himself.”
— John Piper

Bravely Living with Expectation

Posted on by fearlessatheart

Expectation.

That is the word I chose to define my attitude about this year.

Healing. Adulting. Moving.

As I approach the newest transition in my life, it is getting harder to face things with expectation in the face of seemingly stormy and unknown skies. I have no idea what God has in store for this year. Being brave isn’t always easy, pleasant or fun, but often it’s necessary. Being brave goes hand in hand with expectation. I can expect God to do a lot this year, but not move at all-not take any brave steps towards my future. It tries my patience and challenges my soul to trust. Living with expectation challenges me to look at seemingly negative things as part of God’s plan.

A dear friend reminded me that it is time for hard and scary and holy things. Her words wrapped up all of my feelings about the next couple months. Hard. Scary. But still holy.

They will not be easy because God is asking for trust, patience, bravery, and growth as I lay my plans down, believing that He has got them.

Being brave comes not from being alone, but from having people around me saying, “You have got what it takes to be brave”.

Being brave means having hard conversations, but knowing that the communication will deepen my friendships.

Being brave shows up when I love someone through the messiness of life, knowing I can’t do anything but listen.

Being brave sprouts out of the desire to accept the love I deserve from the God who shamelessly purses my heart.

Being brave appears as I share bits of my story with people, striving to be known as a fearless Child of God.

In my striving to be brave, I succeeded graciously, and I failed miserably.

Sometimes, bravery looks like admitting that I was wrong and acknowledging that I have areas that need broken down and built anew.

Being brave means being willing to tear down the walls of fear, shame, guilt, and insecurity slowly shattering the hold they have. Only then can God build up walls of courage, grace, love, and confidence redeeming the broken aspects of my soul.

Being brave means acknowledging that there are many answers I will not have right now about my future, but trusting that God will reveal the next right step as I move forward in obedience.

Being brave starts as a choice each and every day-as I seek to more like the One who calmed the troubled waters in the middle of stormy seas.

Being brave means living with an expectation of the adventures Jesus is going to take me on as I bravely hand him all my desires and wants.

Brainaversary

Posted on by fearlessatheart

In 8 days, it will be a year. December 17, 2016, my life changed. In a moment, life can change drastically. I almost died. I should have died, but I didn’t. I’m alive. That’s a great thing. I wake up every morning and take a deep breath because often we take being alive for granted.

I have a lot of emotions coursing through my body: grief because of what life could have been, happiness because I’m alive and fear because I’m unsure about what’s next.

This is a weird anniversary to celebrate. It’s a day that I don’t really want to remember. This year has truly been bittersweet- to the very essence of the word. There have been times I don’t want to remember-bitter and hard moments, but there have been some sweet moments. Times, I want to capture in my mind and lock away in my heart.

Here are some of the things, I’ve learned about myself and God though this season.

  1. I am loved

I am deeply loved by God. This has, hands down, been the hardest season of my life thus far, but I see God’s hand in everything. The fact that I’m not dead is a miracle. I choose to see everything, not as coincidence, but as God saying, “You are loved more than you can ever know “.

I am deeply loved by people. When something like this happens, you truly know who your friends are. My family and I have been overwhelmed by the love people have shown us. We ultimately saw the body of Christ working as it was created to work as people from all over the world prayed for me.

2. It’s okay to not be okay.

I don’t have to have everything all together at any given moment. I probably won’t have anything all together, but that’s okay. It’s exhausting to put on a face that’s everything is okay. Sometimes, it is good,but sometimes, I miss my old life. I miss the old me. During those moments, God sits with me in the mess. It’s okay to grieve that, but it’s not okay to wallow in it.

3. Life is bigger than just me

This summer, I went to Seattle with some friends. Looking at the mountains, I realized the bigness of God. That is part of what He is teaching me lately. When I focus on all my problems, they tend to overwhelm me. When I looked at the mountains, I pictured my problems that big and God scooping them up in His hands. My soul was able to breathe because the pressure was off me. God had control. I knew that, but it finally sunk into my soul. My life was just a blimp in the radar of eternity and His plan of redemption. God cares more about my growth than my comfort.

4. I can’t ruin God’s plan

“If you think you’ve blown God’s plan for your life, rest in this. You, my friend, are not that powerful.” Lisa Bevere

This is not how I saw my life going a year ago. This is a detour. I may have gotten off the path of “my plan” because of the car accident, but I feel pretty strongly that this where I’m supposed to be. I have no doubt that the road I was on before my accident was God’s plan. The thing about detours is that they are inconvenient and time consuming, but you still end up at your destination. Life is different now, but I’m still on the road to my destiny.

So in 8 days, I’m celebrating my brainaversary-the day God chose to spare my life. I survived with a new brain so I’m celebrating a year of recovery and a year with the new me.

5 Things My TBI Taught Me

Posted on by fearlessatheart

As the anniversary of my accident approaches, my mind is swamped with emotions. Here are a few things I’m learning about myself and God.
1. Life is precious. Embrace every moment.

Almost dying makes you appreciate living so much more. You are thankful for every breathe because you know it only takes a moment for everything to be taken from you. You see everything with new eyes, and you’re thankful for even the mundane things that used to be frustrating.

2. God is ultimately good even if it doesn’t look like it.

God always shows up. He sits with you in the mess and holds you, if you allow Him. The little things that happen are more than just coincidence. It’s not a coincidence that on a particularly hard day, I received a watercolor from a dear friend. It’s not a coincidence that a friend texts me to get coffee after a hard week when I feel like a failure. These are not coincidences. They are God kisses or moments where God whispers “You are more loved than you can ever know. This may not be how you planned your life going, but I’m in control.”

3. Patience is truly a virtue. It’s a hard lesson to learn.

Everything requires patience-my healing, driving and learning a new job. I want to be back to normal NOW. You don’t realize how much you need your brain to function until it’s broken. It literally influences everything you do. I want to do everything, but I can’t. I almost died. I can’t expect to be back to my energetic, sassy self immediately. It will take some time. It takes 2-3 years for a brain to heal. I’m not even 12 months into a 24-36 month period. I have more good days than bad ones, and hopefully soon, I’ll have only good ones. I just have to be patient and give myself grace.

4. I need to give myself permission to be weak.

It’s not beneficial for you to be strong all the time. I need to cry. I need to mourn my old life. I would be lying to myself if I said it wasn’t good, and I don’t want it back at times. Life is different and sometimes harder, but no less amazing. I have opportunities that I would have never had, and becoming close with people I didn’t even know existed. I’m learning the art of saying no. I am the kind of person that values independence, and wants to be seen as strong. There is beauty in allowing yourself to be vulnerable with people. There is strength in allowing yourself space to be weak and not carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders.

5. I’m stronger because I’ve survived.

I’ve learned several things about myself in the aftermath of the accident, but the main one is that I’m a survivor. I survived a car accident. Yes, I am going to be dealing with things for the rest of my life, but I survived. I know if something else comes against me, I can deal with it because I survived this thing. Everything else seems minor compared. I’m braver because I know that I can handle anything life throws at me with God at my side.