Tag: Brave

Living and Loving with a Brain Injury

Posted on by fearlessatheart

I’m going to be honest and vulnerable here and that terrifies me, but I hope that my words will help someone not feel alone in their chaos.

It has been almost 8 years since the worst day of my life-the day my life changed. Now don’t hear what I’m not saying. I really like the direction my life is heading right now, but I could live without the constant pain, increased self-consciousness, and occasional migraines.

That’s life now. I’ve had to adjust my expectations of how my day to day life will go. I need to get enough sleep, eat enough, manage my stress, and pace myself. Oftentimes, I’m very self-conscious of my deficits and wonder if people hold them against me. Honestly, sometimes I bring it up to explain why I’m so weird, just like I  often brought up living overseas when I moved back. I deal with a lot of insecurity and inadequacy from my brain injury.  For all intents and purposes, I’m healed. I’m a nurse, wife, mother, and student. I’m definitely not there yet, but I feel like I’m doing okay. On the other hand, I struggle with my limitations and feel like I have to prove myself that much more to show people that I have got it and that I’m smart even though my brain shuts down every so often.

The problem comes when I “forget” that I have a brain injury and try to go forward with life as a “typical” 30 year old. My brain injury has the final say in that I get a migraine for 24 hours during a big week. I forget that I’m not a typical 30 year old mom. I get overstimulated really fast and my brain can’t filter out anything. Then I get caught up in my brain and struggle because I feel like everyone is seeing the chaos that is going on in my head and ultimately judging me for it. 

If you are living with any kind of brain injury or are interacting with someone who is living with a brain injury, here are some tips that I have learned especially over the past month.

  1. Be patient: (with yourself and others). We are doing the best we can. Words sometimes get caught in our heads. If you give us time and space, we will find the words and are sometimes pretty eloquent. Be patient with yourself if you are living with a brain injury. You have overcome so much (stuff people can’t see) to get where you are. I promise that you are harder on yourself than other people are. You see and know everything that goes on in your head, while they only see the outward signs. Also, remember, “those who matter don’t care, and those who care don’t matter”- Dr. Seuss
  1. Give yourself (and others) freedom to be themselves. I don’t know about you but I think life would be pretty boring if everyone was exactly the same. Different is good. Normal is overrated. Everyone has their own brand of normal and that’s okay. You do not know what is going through someone’s head at any given moment. Maybe that look that you spot that makes you feel like they are judging you for something, you have it wrong. Maybe people are laughing at you, maybe they are not. Be you and be you bravely. 

This are just a few thoughts from the last couple of months as I wrestle with almost 8 years of living with a brain injury. Now I feel like I have to clarify, I don’t want this to feel like I’m feeling sorry for myself. I like my life. Do I want anyone to go through this? No. But if talking about this and some of the struggles that I experience helps someone else, then it is worth it. Here is my final thought. Simply be kind. You don’t know what demons people have or are wrestling with

Halfway through 30

Posted on by fearlessatheart

30 years. A new decade.

My 20s were full of life and hardship as I graduated college, became a nurse, shattered my body, and rebuilt my life.

I thought 30 would be a whole lot different than it is right now, but I wouldn’t have it any different.

I’m not where I thought I would be, but I have so much more. I think that’s life.

Maybe you are one of the lucky ones that life has gone entirely like you planned, I am so happy for you!

But maybe, life has thrown you some curveballs and you are not sure that you are okay with it.

I’ve been there. I get it. Life is tough sometimes, but even in that, life is sweet. 

You are probably thinking, “She’s crazy.”

Maybe I am, but I’ve learned in my short life, that there are sweet things in the middle of chaos.

Now don’t hear what I’m not saying. I’m not saying that it’s not hard-whatever your hard is-but I’m saying that sometimes wildflowers grow.

I’m 30. I have lived a lot of life in the past 30 years, but it has made me the person I am today. It sounds cliche but the hardest years of my life made me better than who I would have been.

I feel SO much.

I love hard.

It’s really hard for me to let go of things and people.

I understand what it’s like to claw your way back from nothing. 

I get it. Life is hard, but as I was reflecting I realized that while life is different than I thought it would be in my 30s, it’s more.

More love.

More empathy.

More peace.

More space.

More grounded.

I don’t know what my 30s hold, but I hope it’s full of more Jesus.

I don’t know where you are in life, but I hope you look for the wildflowers growing in the midst of your hard. Life is hard but holy. Remember that. There is holy in the ordinary.

Embrace the Mess

Posted on by fearlessatheart

Motherhood is messy.

In reality, life is messy. It seems to take life right out of you. I know that sounds weird-life takes the life out of you. 

When one is a working mom going to grad school, there is a lot of life that is taken out. I feel like I’ve been in survival mode for the last couple months. With everything going on, I feel like I haven’t had energy for anything else. That’s just the season of life I am in right now. I truly can’t imagine doing anything else. Don’t tell me that I should slow down and stop school because I won’t be happy if I just stopped. I have a goal and my soul isn’t cut out to be a stay at home mom. I admire those who can but I can’t and I have known that forever. Don’t hear what I’m not saying. I love Atlas and want to spend time with him more than anything, but for my well being, I NEED to have an outlet other than being at home.

  • Embrace the mess. My house is far from tidy. It’s clean but there is mess and I’m okay with that because a rambunctious toddler and his parents live here. Life is messy and with everything, I’m honestly amazed that I haven’t had a mental breakdown yet. I don’t have energy to make sure everything is tidy, but rather that everyone is clean and happy. I think it was when I decided to embrace the mess that my mental health stabilized. Work is messy, motherhood is messy and I’m just one human. I can’t do everything. Bottom line is that Atlas is happy and safe. I want him to grow up loved and cared for. 
  • Cherish the small moments. There is a whole lot of bad in the world, but there is good also. You just need to look closely for it. The weather has been crappy and Atlas has been fussy, but that also means that he has been a little bit more cuddly. The days are long but the years are short. The dishes can wait because my little one needs me to hold him.
  • Take care of yourself. You can’t pour from an empty cup. You can give and give of yourself till there is nothing left, but then where would you be? You need to prioritize yourself especially if you are a parent or in a giving profession. You can’t take care of others if you don’t take care of yourself.
  • Embrace the messy emotions. We want everything-even emotions to be clean and tied up with a pretty bow. Honestly, that’s not been my experience with emotions. Emotions are messy and should be messy. We, as humans, need to embrace the messy emotions. We shouldn’t be afraid of being angry, being depressed, being sad and being hurt. The initial emotion is not bad in and of itself but rather the wallowing in the emotions-giving it more and more room. That can lead to sin, but we need to acknowledge the emotions. 

These are just a few thoughts in my head the last couple weeks. Embrace the mess that is life. There is beauty in the chaos. You might be better and calmer because of it. 

One year of new adventures

Posted on by fearlessatheart

I have not written a blog in a while. Life has just been a little crazy with parenting, working, and school work.

Some may call me crazy for doing all of that. Honestly, sometimes I think that I’m crazy. I couldn’t do any of it without a supportive husband that wants to help me pursue my dreams and family close by that help pick up my slack. This year has been a growing year as I figure out how to be a good mom, wife, student and employee.

Here are just some of my thoughts as I muse and reflect on this past year.

  1. It’s not a weakness to need help especially if it allows you to still be you. Let me explain that. There is absolutely no way that I can do everything that I am doing if it was only me. The only way that I have stayed sane-alright semi sane-is because I have let others help take care of Atlas. Either they have offered, or I have asked Grandparents to help. 
  2. Make the little moments matter. Being a full time parent is hard, don’t hear what I’m not saying. But being a working mom is a different kind of hard. It’s missing out on something, or simply feeling like you’re missing out on everything. It is harder because I work 12 hour shifts. I typically leave before Atlas wakes up and sometimes even get home after he goes to bed. I don’t regret anything because Sean and I had lengthy conversations about this and I honestly probably would go stir crazy, but I didn’t realize how hard it would be to leave my heart. It helps that my husband stays home with him, but it still is hard. Since Atlas is on the move now, it is almost impossible to get him to sit still. On those rare occassions when he actually does want to snuggle, I hold on to those moments.
  3. Seeing the world through little eyes is one of the best ways to see the world. Atlas is very explorative and inquistitive. He wants to know how everything works, what everyone is doing, who everyone is, and everything that is going on. Nap times are a bear because he does not want to miss anything by going to sleep. It has been so much fun watching him discover things and find his personality. I already knew when he was in the womb that he was going to be a firecracker and keep us on our toes, but little did we know. He has relatively no fear. I hope he never loses that.
  4. Rest when you can, work when you must. So life is a little crazy and chaotic, but I still have a brain injury so I NEED to rest more often. Every mom needs to rest and incorporate rest into her schedule. I have worked scheduled rest times into my schedule. It might look like getting up early to work on school so I can take a nap when Atlas does, or taking a slow day off after I worked two days in a row. Whatever it looks like, rest is a necessity if I want to keep going.

These are just a few of my thoughts on this growing year. 2024 is going to be so much fun as I expand my horizons and Atlas discovers the world-the hard and the holy.

Atlas’s Birth

Posted on by fearlessatheart

Here’s the details of Atlas’s birth. Some of you probably know bits and pieces of it but I wanted to write/remember the entirety of it so here it is. You all didn’t really ask for it, but here you go.

I was diagnosed with preeclampsia without severe effects around 35 weeks of pregnancy. Basically it was just high blood pressure but it was enough that they moved up my C-section date. I decided to go with a C-section initially because of the screws in my pelvis from my car accident. Anyways, my doctor wanted to do the c-section because of my high blood pressure at 37 weeks but she was ok as long as nothing severely changed waiting until 37 weeks and 6 days. Fast forward to my last prenatal appointment before my scheduled C-section. My blood pressure was up so they sent me over to labor and delivery for labs. One of the labs was elevated so they decided to keep me overnight for observation with the plan for the section the next morning but with the knowledge that if anything changes overnight they would most likely end up taking him out. 

We ended up having a decent night at the hospital even though the meds they gave me to sleep made me jittery and they were waking me up every couple of hours to do vitals and non stress tests to monitor the baby. The C-section went as planned the next morning and Atlas Kane Strader was born at 958 weighing 6lbs 9 ounces. After they took care of him and closed me up, we were on our way to recovery. Atlas’s temperature was a bit low so the nurse ended up checking his sugar. It was only 21 and they typically like it to be over 60. They gave him the yummy glucose gel after they got some blood. The lab test showed a sugar of 18. He ended up getting some donor milk because my milk hadn’t come in yet. Then started the process of me pumping every couple of hours to give him what I had pumped plus donor milk after they drew his blood sugar. All this was happening while the anesthesia and spinal was wearing off and my incision was starting to hurt more. There was just a lot going on but I felt super supported by the doctors and nurses. 

Fast forward to about 4 am. Atlas was due for a feeding so the nurse got a blood sugar before. It read 39. I was in the process of feeding him the little bit I had pumped when the nurse came back and said that the lab test came back at 24 and the doctor wanted him started on IV dextrose. I knew and had worked with the pediatric doctor on but nothing prepared me for the amount of fear I had in turning my baby over to the nurse. I knew the doctor had Atlas’s best interests at heart and was really good, but it was my heart outside my body that I was handing over. He ended up staying in the special care nursery all Wednesday through Thursday morning. 

Shortly after he was taken to the nursery, my nurse helped me figure out how to walk to the bathroom by myself and took out my catheter. Now I was free to visit my baby in the nursery whenever I could. We ended up being in the hospital a total of 4 days after the C-section. The birth in and of itself wasn’t traumatic but the weird unexpected things that happened after threw me for a loop. In that though, I can see God’s hand in everything from giving the recovery nurse the premonition to check a blood sugar to the proactiveness of the whole team involved to care for both our physical needs and emotional needs as my hormones are going haywire being separated from my baby.

Atlas Kane has lived up to his name as a warrior from the very beginning of his beautiful life. May he continue to live up to his name and fight for the One who created him.

Brain Injury awareness

Posted on by fearlessatheart

March is Brain Injury Awareness month. 

I really didn’t think I would still be struggling with things six years later. But here we are, six years later and migraines still knock me for a loop.

I’m just going to be honest here…My brain injury has complicated this pregnancy season. It has made my “normal” TBI symptoms of migraines, forgetfulness, and brain fog worse. Now I’m 4 days away from meeting my little love, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. This season has been trying and my brain injury making it a bit more complicated, but this little life inside of me is going to make everything worth it. Migraines like that are fewer and far between, but now they knock me for a loop because I’m not expecting them. It’s times like this that I want so much to be normal, but then I remember that this thing doesn’t take away from me, but rather it adds. I’m who I am now because of it. Here’s a few things to consider as you interact with people with known or unknown head trauma.

  1. Every injury is different. You may know someone who had a brain injury, but that does not mean you know this new person’s story. I get that you are trying to relate, but better than jumping in, listen. Their story may surprise you.
  2. Just because we think differently, don’t think we are stupid. Can I be really vulnerable? This is one of my biggest fears. On bad brain days, when the words get caught more often than naught, I fear that people will think that I’m incompetent. I know I shouldn’t care this much about what people think, but I’ve worked my butt off to get to where I am. So yes, I probably care too much about what people think and honestly, words might get caught in my head but I know that I’m just as smart if not more than I was before my accident.
  3. “Invisible” disabilities are still disabilities. Just because you can’t see everything a person is going through or what is exactly happening in their body, it doesn’t mean it’s not happening.

These are just a few ways that you can accept a person with a brain injury! Thanks for reading my thoughts!

Things I Desire From 2022

Posted on by fearlessatheart

So I’m big on resolutions but rather than resolutions, I heard someone refer to them as practices.

I like that. 

New year practices. That gives the idea that I’m not going to be good at them from the get go. It will take some time but eventually, I’ll get the idea.

  1. Be more present. My words for the year are enough and rest. I struggle to believe I’m enough when my attention is split between things. I desire to be more present with the places and people I’m with.
  2. Say my best yes. My default is saying yes to avoid disappointing people. I desire to practice saying my best yes as saying no to something now might let me be more productive in something I need/want to do later.
  3. Read a book a month. Lately, it’s been listening to a book occasionally, but I want to structure my life around making time to do the things that bring me joy.
  4. Spend consistent time with Jesus. Now, notice I’m not putting a time frame on it like a certain number of minutes or hours but rather I desire to spend consistent time with the One who knows my heart even better than I do. On days when I have lots of free time that time spent with Him could be longer than on days when I’m busy.
  5. Drink more water.
  6. Love my people well.
  7. Rest as often as my body needs.

Enough Rest

Posted on by fearlessatheart

This year my word was enough. This coming year-2022-the word that has been stuck in my head is rest.

Enough rest. Now that has a ring to it-especially after this year.

Rest. 

What is rest?

Rest according to the definition is: “cease work or movement in order to relax, refresh oneself, or recover strength.” 

I am a definite  overachiever. Rest is not in my typical vocabulary. I need to make it more common. What I’m learning lately is that in order to be the best daughter, wife, friend, and nurse, I need to rest. It is not suggested. It is required.

Rest.

This is an area that I strive to be better in.This year I want to make that the essence of this year.. I want to come out of a space of rest instead of a place of busyness. I want to encapsulate my productivity within rest instead of vice versa.

In a culture that elevates busyness, it takes courage to rest-to step back and take care of yourself. Always being on the goal takes a toll on body and soul. Here are a few of the ways that I want to be intentional about rest in this new year.

  • Limit social media: sometimes, social media is nice, but other times, it is draining even in the calmness. It stresses my emotions because it impedes my desire for contentment.
  • Get more sleep: I work nights which means my sleep schedule is crazy. People want to do things at 10 am after I’ve worked. I say yes because I don’t want to disappoint people. I aspire to choose those moments wisely and learn to say no.
  • Spend time with restful people: There are certain people in my life that are restful and I can sit with them and do nothing. Those are the people I should spend more time with.
  • Incorporate an afternoon a week and a day a month of rest into my schedule.

This isn’t exhaustive, but these are a few of the things that I hope to implement in 2022.

5 years…

Posted on by fearlessatheart

Dear Sara,

This is me writing to you from 5 years after that life-changing event. Here’s what I have learned and grieved as life doesn’t look anything like I thought it would, but God is good in the chaos of life.

  1. Nothing is a coincidence. I feel like I already kinda knew this, but I have really felt this lately. It’s not a coincidence that on one of my hardest days, a friend texts me out of the blue or I get a letter that encourages my soul.
  2. We need people. We can’t do life or get through hard things without certain people. I mean, you must choose the people that surround you wisely, but I can’t count the number of times that I was “this” close to giving up, but certain people took me by the hand and walked with me. 
  3. Everybody goes through something, but don’t let it define you. Sometimes it’s more obvious and sometimes it’s more subtle. I’ve learned in the past couple of years that I am more than my accident or brain injury. Yes, I do have chronic pain and I deal with migraines, but it makes me a better nurse because I get it. 
  4. Life is not simply about my happiness or comfort. Growing up, I knew this fact but there’s a difference between head knowledge and heart knowledge. Life is about glorifying God and His desire to rescue humanity. If God can use my story to advance His kingdom, who am I to stand in His way.
  5. I probably wouldn’t have a few people that have impacted my life-my husband being the most significant. I met him shortly after and he put up with me finding myself again before I could offer anything to him. We are still growing and figuring stuff out, but he is my soulmate and my accident put us in the same circles quicker. 
  6. It’s necessary to put down roots so you have a place or people to go home to. Throughout my nomadic childhood, I put my roots into people rather than the bevy of places that shaped my worldview. I’ve always wrestled with the idea of staying vs going. I’ve learned the necessity of walking the tension of both. It’s exciting to go to different places and see exotic things, but there’s also a strange kind of comfort in being known by the barista in the local coffee shops or the guy at the front desk at work. There’s something about being known and seen.

This is not a comprehensive list of what I’ve learned and grieved in the past couple of years, but as 5 years rolls around, I’m learning that I’m a complex person. This is part of my story but not the entirety of it. It complicates life a little, but it ultimately makes me a better nurse, daughter, best friend and wife.

Love, Sara

The year of Enough

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Enough.

That is my word for this year-this crazy and insane year. I chose to embody this word in whatever I did throughout the year, and man was it hard.

I chose to believe I was enough even when I needed to take antidepressants to help me cope with nursing in a pandemic. I don’t plan on being on them forever, who knows though, but they allow me to be the best friend, daughter, wife, sister, and nurse I can.

I chose to believe I was enough when real life clouds marriage and the rubber meets the road. We basically started out the year married so we are coming up on one year. It has been the best and hardest thing. We grew a lot and together but oftentimes, I had to choose to believe I was enough because I felt lacking. The key is choosing to see what can realistically be changed and needs to change and what is my brain lying to me.

I chose to believe I was enough when I didn’t get positive feedback on my work but I also didn’t get negative feedback. I chose to believe I was enough simply because I was enough.

I chose to believe I was enough when my brain says get overwhelmed and I need to rest. It doesn’t make me less than because I can’t do more, it just makes me more intentional about the time I do give to people. I’m learning that no one can do everything.

I chose to believe I am enough simply because I’m a daughter of the King. That being said, life is not always easy, but it is sweet if you choose to look for the light shining in. When life causes me to doubt that I just have to remember the truths.

  • God embraces emotions.
  • I am valued and loved.
  • God calls me beloved.
  • I am a child of God (John 1:12)
  • I am beautifully made (Psalms 39:14)
  • I am intelligent (Genesis 1:27)
  • I am loved (John 3:16)
  • I am enough

I’m just as enough with messy hair in my overalls as I was all dolled up in my wedding dress. I’m choosing to live into that every day, not simply the good brain days.

Here’s to the rest of 2021 and growing in confidence and experience. Here’s to believing I am enough, no matter where God has me put my anchor down.