Flamingos and other thoughts

It’s been 3 days since my non-weight bearing status was implemented, and I hate it. 

I feel stuck. I know I need to rest and heal but I don’t like being still. But, I’m constantly reminded that doing hard things is how we grow. I guess I could choose to wallow in my pity party or I can use this time to better myself. 

Maybe I can use this time to read books that I never had time to? I have been blessed with a clinical opportunity that doesn’t need me to be on my feet so I can focus on that. God works in mysterious ways. 

I was reminded of a verse recently.

“I will lift up my eyes to the mountains; From where shall my help come? My help comes from Yahweh, who made heaven and earth.” Psalms 121: 1-2

This reminds me that God is in control. He isn’t surprised by anything rather He can use everything for His glory. I have to keep giving the future and possible surgery repeatedly up to God. I am not being stupid, rather I am following the Doctors orders to a T, but I still have this thought in the back of my head-what could surgery mean for my life?

These anxious thoughts keep me from doing things fearful that I’ll make my leg worse. If I let these thoughts reign in my brain then I will dig myself into a hole and never come out. I constantly have to remind myself that if surgery happens, life will still be okay. I have a tremendous support system and family that have been with me through worse. And we came out of that stronger for it. Actually, I was able to get up the stairs by using the techniques that I learned after my car accident and we found a tub bench etc in my parents basement that are useful to me now. Life comes full circle but I’m older and wiser now. I’m a rehab nurse, but it’s a lot easier to be the nurse as opposed to the patient. Anyways, here I am making the best of a hard situation and trying to learn what God wants me to now. By the way, I can’t help but think about flamingo when I stand. Maybe I’ll bring the flamingo look to the cool side. Oh who am I kidding, I don’t want to be one of the cool kids.

Halfway through 30

30 years. A new decade.

My 20s were full of life and hardship as I graduated college, became a nurse, shattered my body, and rebuilt my life.

I thought 30 would be a whole lot different than it is right now, but I wouldn’t have it any different.

I’m not where I thought I would be, but I have so much more. I think that’s life.

Maybe you are one of the lucky ones that life has gone entirely like you planned, I am so happy for you!

But maybe, life has thrown you some curveballs and you are not sure that you are okay with it.

I’ve been there. I get it. Life is tough sometimes, but even in that, life is sweet. 

You are probably thinking, “She’s crazy.”

Maybe I am, but I’ve learned in my short life, that there are sweet things in the middle of chaos.

Now don’t hear what I’m not saying. I’m not saying that it’s not hard-whatever your hard is-but I’m saying that sometimes wildflowers grow.

I’m 30. I have lived a lot of life in the past 30 years, but it has made me the person I am today. It sounds cliche but the hardest years of my life made me better than who I would have been.

I feel SO much.

I love hard.

It’s really hard for me to let go of things and people.

I understand what it’s like to claw your way back from nothing. 

I get it. Life is hard, but as I was reflecting I realized that while life is different than I thought it would be in my 30s, it’s more.

More love.

More empathy.

More peace.

More space.

More grounded.

I don’t know what my 30s hold, but I hope it’s full of more Jesus.

I don’t know where you are in life, but I hope you look for the wildflowers growing in the midst of your hard. Life is hard but holy. Remember that. There is holy in the ordinary.

Embrace the Mess

Motherhood is messy.

In reality, life is messy. It seems to take life right out of you. I know that sounds weird-life takes the life out of you. 

When one is a working mom going to grad school, there is a lot of life that is taken out. I feel like I’ve been in survival mode for the last couple months. With everything going on, I feel like I haven’t had energy for anything else. That’s just the season of life I am in right now. I truly can’t imagine doing anything else. Don’t tell me that I should slow down and stop school because I won’t be happy if I just stopped. I have a goal and my soul isn’t cut out to be a stay at home mom. I admire those who can but I can’t and I have known that forever. Don’t hear what I’m not saying. I love Atlas and want to spend time with him more than anything, but for my well being, I NEED to have an outlet other than being at home.

  • Embrace the mess. My house is far from tidy. It’s clean but there is mess and I’m okay with that because a rambunctious toddler and his parents live here. Life is messy and with everything, I’m honestly amazed that I haven’t had a mental breakdown yet. I don’t have energy to make sure everything is tidy, but rather that everyone is clean and happy. I think it was when I decided to embrace the mess that my mental health stabilized. Work is messy, motherhood is messy and I’m just one human. I can’t do everything. Bottom line is that Atlas is happy and safe. I want him to grow up loved and cared for. 
  • Cherish the small moments. There is a whole lot of bad in the world, but there is good also. You just need to look closely for it. The weather has been crappy and Atlas has been fussy, but that also means that he has been a little bit more cuddly. The days are long but the years are short. The dishes can wait because my little one needs me to hold him.
  • Take care of yourself. You can’t pour from an empty cup. You can give and give of yourself till there is nothing left, but then where would you be? You need to prioritize yourself especially if you are a parent or in a giving profession. You can’t take care of others if you don’t take care of yourself.
  • Embrace the messy emotions. We want everything-even emotions to be clean and tied up with a pretty bow. Honestly, that’s not been my experience with emotions. Emotions are messy and should be messy. We, as humans, need to embrace the messy emotions. We shouldn’t be afraid of being angry, being depressed, being sad and being hurt. The initial emotion is not bad in and of itself but rather the wallowing in the emotions-giving it more and more room. That can lead to sin, but we need to acknowledge the emotions. 

These are just a few thoughts in my head the last couple weeks. Embrace the mess that is life. There is beauty in the chaos. You might be better and calmer because of it. 

Things COVID-19 has Taught Me

So about 5 days ago, I was diagnosed with Covid. It has been a wild ride so far but God used this time to slow me down and spend sweet time with him. Here are a few things that have been ruminating in my soul as I have been quarantined by myself with God.

  • Thankfulness changes your mentality. 

It is easy to be in this situation and be woe is me. Yes, I have covid and yes, I must spend most of my time quarantined by myself to protect my family, but it could be so much worse. When I switched my mindset, I was grateful for things instead of living in the muck of my sorrows.

  • Rest in Jesus is vital and worthwhile.

           I have been going and going for a while. I think Jesus saw that and used this opportunity to slow me down (albeit very quickly). He knew I could not sustain that for too much longer. I am using this time to grow closer to Jesus and figure out what he wants from me. If you need me in the next few days, I will either be asleep or reading my Bible or listening to books on tape.

  •  People are needed. 

           The worst part is that not only am I feeling crummy, but I am also physically alone. I knew this before, but I am an outgoing introvert. It means that I like my alone time, but I like people as well. For me that has been the hardest part of this. I never lacked compassion but now I have empathy for what people go through. I was lucky (and fingers crossed I stay lucky) in being able to stay at home and not in the hospital. I can only imagine how alone people feel. People are needed, and not just in a pandemic. So, check in with that new mama, or friend you have not heard from in a while. Check in with your people. Oftentimes, you will find that you needed it just as much as they did.

These are just a few things that God is teaching me through this, and He is not through yet. Final thought: this is real. I am one of the lucky ones. I was as careful as I could be, and I still got it. Looking back, I would not have changed anything that was potentially questionable. So, since the community is now the frontline, please, wear your mask, wash your hands, social distance, and stay home. Yes, most people survive with mild symptoms, but it can be detrimental and deadly to some.

Behold Our God

Behold Our God.

 

To be honest, we sang this song this morning.

I was undone. 

I pictured God-the Creator of the Universe-seated on His throne in all its grandeur, but still caring about my small, minuscule dream to return to hospital nursing.

I pictured how blown away and astonished the disciples were to see Jesus standing in front of them after 3 days before they had seen him broken and beaten, hanging on the cross.

Overwhelmed, I sang “You will reign forever (Let Your glory fill the earth)” 

I was overwhelmed by God in that oftentimes, I show up to the throne room with a list of requests and petitions.

 

“God, can you……”

“If you love me, you’ll….”

“God, please,….”

 

I forget to simply just let Him be God. I was overwhelmed this morning-to the point of tears-realizing that even though the past couple weeks were hard, God had in grand ways answered all the prayers of my soul-even the ones I dared not utter out loud.

He opened (and continues to open) doors for me to go back to hospital nursing.

He brought someone into my life to calm my anxious soul and who pursues me with such grace and patience. This special person encourages my seemingly crazy thoughts and pursuits as I strive to figure out this new Sara that he loves.

He showed me my corner of the world and made me realize that Mansfield needs Him just as much as the places I’d dreamed of. He didn’t take them off the table, but rather He changed my heart and eyes to see Him in the seemingly mundane.

This is the God that I worship. 

This God who is seated grandly on His throne in heaven, but still cares about the seemingly minuscule desires of my heart.

This God-who is Creator of the Universe-deserves to simply be beheld in all His glory.

Behold our God seated on His throne

Come, let us adore Him

Behold our King! Nothing can compare

Come, let us adore Him!

 

This is something I was reminded to make time for. Time to just bask in the awesomeness of God. Time to sit at His feet and worship Him for all the things He has done and will do.

If you need me, I’ll be over here overwhelmed by the goodness of God. I’ll be over here beholding my God who as done over and beyond what I prayed and wished for.

Follow Me.

Recently, I was studying Mark 1.  In this section, Jesus is calling the fishermen to be his disciples. Mark 1:17 states, “ Then Jesus said to them, ‘Follow Me, and I will make you fishers of men.” It struck me because God’s simple command is to follow him, right here, right now. I think we make it complicated in our romanticizing of missions and “going”. We figure if you receive “the call”, you have to be going somewhere exotic to tell people about Jesus. That aspect of the call is honest more exciting, but what about the community you are placed in? The people in your scope of influence? Don’t they need Jesus also? Why are they seemingly sidelined in the hopes of the more extraordinary option of going to say Africa and “saving” people?

I’m guilty of this-oh so guilty.

Growing up, my life was missions so I glorified it in my own mind. I wouldn’t have ever said that I glorified the nomadic lifestyle of living and loving people different than me in a different culture, but I think the fact that I choose nursing because it was the quickest way to get me out of America speaks for itself. I thought God could use me better in Africa or South America. In saying that, don’t hear what I’m not saying. I’m not saying that overseas missions isn’t important. I’m saying be careful about glorifying overseas missions in your own heart and loving on littles in a different country when you would overlook them if they were in your own city. I’m saying the people in Mansfield are hurting and need Jesus just as much as the people in Abuja, Nigeria.

I really had to wrestle with that because, after my accident, I really believed God took overseas missions off the table. I was mad at God because it wasn’t like my plans were wrong-they were glorifying God. I shook my fists at God, thinking and shouting, “Why? My goal was to make your name known.”  Last year, I had the opportunity to go to Ukraine and this past spring, I went to the Dominican Republic. Those were neat opportunities, but through them, I realized that I’m content right here, right now. God was changing my heart to follow Him not a dream of overseas missions. I don’t know when it happened, but God was changing my heart to see that the people here need to know the love of Jesus-that they are more loved than they would ever know-just as much if not more than the littles in Africa.

Maybe cross-cultural missions long-term is still in my future someday-I truly hope it is deep down-but right now, I truly am okay here. I never thought I would hear myself say that, but in the depths of my soul, I truly am content being here-right here-and loving the people God brings into my life. The occasional trip to the Dominican or wherever God leads is food for my soul, but this is my corner of the world right now.    God is doing big things in little Mansfield, Ohio and He’s simply asking me to “Follow Him.” So if you need me, I’ll be here, in my corner of the world, simply loving people as Jesus would.

School Nursing: It’s all about the ice pack

This is coming on the end of my second year as a school nurse and oh what a year!

Here are a few things I learned in two years of being a school nurse.

  • Ice packs fix almost anything. I didn’t believe this but it’s true. Ice packs seem to be a magic fix.

I think what it boils down to is the littles just need to feel like something is being done and what better

way than to put ice on it.

  • Care is holistic. I’m not just there to fix upset stomachs, but to help in other areas. Physical

needs are a priority, but emotional and spiritual needs are also important. All aspects are interconnected.

If a little is upset about something at home, more chances than not, I’ll probably see them sometime that

day with an upset stomach. Sometimes all they need is a hug and to know that someone cares. The key

is time. If I perceive that they need a little TLC and have time to give them, I often give it to them with

regards to the teachers’ schedule.

  • Littles say the bluntest, sweetest things. They have no reservations when it comes to

asking things. I had one little ask me if I was married. I said no. She asked if I was planning on

getting married. I responded with, “that’s the plan eventually”. Her response was, “Tomorrow?”

I just internally laughed because she asked it with such a straight face. They’re not afraid to say

it like it is. They are also not ones to mince compliments so if they say “you’re the best “, they

mean it.

  • Sometimes, seasons are designed to push you but also let you heal. This season came when I

needed it the most. It allowed me to take the focus off myself and my problems for a while. I may not

have been able to fix my TBI on a grand scale but a littles stomachache or headache while working

on myself in different areas. I grew in SO many areas these past two years. It definitely pushed me out of

my comfort zone-in that it was like nothing I’ve ever done but it was also comfortable in that it was at my

alma mater.

  • Just because it’s not what you pictured yourself doing doesn’t mean it doesn’t matter. At the

beginning of the school year, I sat in my office hearing all the hopeful voices and I felt deep

down in my spirit that this was where I was meant to be but it was nothing like I pictured 2 years

ago. This was the perfect job for right now because it allowed me to still practice nursing without

all the stimulus and fast pace of hospital nursing. It gave me lots of little success that boosted my

self-esteem.

  • Never underestimate the power of a smile and listening ear. Half the time, littles are in my

office for a minor time but they just need to know someone is listening and cares. I treat their

pressing ailment and send them back to class with the option that if they can’t do it, they can come

back to the clinic. Often knowing they have that option reassures them, and they are good for the

day.

  • Littles give the best hugs. I definitely think in this season of my life I needed to hear that I’m needed and wanted. After something traumatic happens, you start to doubt yourself and wonder if you’re still a valuable member of society. Being at MCS showed me that I’m still valued as a human being and nurse. Recently, I saw a little outside of school, and she smiled shyly and waved. My heart simply melts every time I hear a little voice say “Miss Walthour”, see those bashful smiles, or receive those timid hugs.

Yes, it’s definitely not as fast paced as hospital nursing, but just as impactful on lives.

Your Will, Your Way

“You have come so far. You have learned to let go of what was not good for you. You have learned to step out of the boundaries of your worries, believing that in time, it all would be woven together beautifully. It has not been an easy road, but it has opened your eyes to all of the possibilities of what this life could be, even in your uncertainty.”
-MHN

Graduating from college, I had a plan for my life. A typical conversation between God and I consisted of me telling Him what I wanted His will to be for my life ranging from who I wanted to date and potentially marry to where I wanted Him to call me. It was His will, my way. That didn’t quite work out for me. 29 months ago, my world was turned upside down. My life plan completely changed…

Shortly after my accident, I was thankful God saved my life, but I couldn’t see how this life could possibly be good. I fought with God on how this life could possibly be His will. Those were some dark days, but GOD, in His mercy, used the messiness of my story in Ukraine. Then, looking back, I could see how He has redeemed my story for His glory.

More recently, I was amazed again by how God loves each and every one of us. (I really should stop being amazed by how God uses the worst time if my life for his glory.) One of the students at the school received a brain injury when he was little. I was giving him his medication, and I just offhandedly mentioned that I take the same medication that he does. I received a message for his mom saying that she thinks he finally realized that he’s not alone.

I was blown away by God.

God didn’t cause my accident, but He loved that boy enough to place me at the school to help him not feel alone. When I look back on the last 29 months, I can see a lot of those “coincidences” or “God moments”.

Given the multitude of “God moments” recently, I have realized that my story isn’t over.  I was ecstatic about anchoring myself to Mansfield, my family, my boyfriend, and my friends.

Then, the Dominican Republic happened.

I felt, more than once, confirmation of the fact that missions are in my life plan in some capacity. I mean, I got to stitch up a goat. Besides the fact that I got to stitch up a goat, which is a first for me, I used my right hand. My right hand is the hand I still have trouble with, but it was further confirmation that my story is far from over. My nurse life is far from over.

As I’m processing this, I don’t know that God would have moved so swiftly in getting me an opportunity for a medical/surgical fellowship at OhioHealth here if he intended me to move to the DR. Also, God is a good father, so he wouldn’t have given me confirmation of my dream of overseas missions if He didn’t intend that to be part of my story.

So here I am, learning to hold my plans loosely and trusting that the One who holds my heart has plans to honor the dreams He has instilled in my heart. Here I am, learning to anchor myself to the people that mean a lot to me right here. Here’s to me, striving and thriving, as I learn to live life with God in the drivers seat-His Will, His Way.

Anchor

Anchor: a reliable or principal support

: something that serves to hold an object firmly.

This is my primary word for 2019, but I couldn’t narrow it down to just one.

The other word that goes hand in hand with “anchor” is “content”. The two words

together fit what I desire for this next year. Recently, I was challenged that I’m exactly

where God wants me and that He has put people in my life that are meant to be there.

When I think of “anchor”, I think of a ship’s anchor. The thing about that is the anchor locks

the ship down temporarily. It stabilizes it for the time being so the sailors can do what they need to.

When it’s done in that part of the ocean, it pulls up anchor and sets sail again.

This is how I view this year. It’s not a coincidence that I’m back in Mansfield. I don’t know how long

I will be anchored here, but I’m (for the first time) excited to put down roots in the corner of th world

God has placed me in. It warms my soul that the barista at the local coffee shop knows my name.

That I can see the littles outside of school and they get excited that they saw me. Here’s a few practical

things to help me stay anchored and content in my corner of the world.

  • Be present-truly present-right where I am.

If I’m at school, I’ll be all at school-my mind won’t be focused on what’s next. This exact moment in

time will come around again, so I need to give my all to the littles and teachers. If I’m with my small

group, I need to be all with them. Wherever I am, I need to be all there so I can put down roots

effectively. Multi-tasking is nice, but sometimes people want/need your full attention. I never want

anybody to feel less of a priority because they don’t have my full attention.

  • Uncertainty is alright.

I want to have everything figured out now. I want to know everything that could possibly go wrong

and have a backup plan in case it does. I rarely take chances because I don’t know the ending. If I

desire to put down roots and anchor myself here for the time being, I have to embrace the

uncertainty-of a job, of dating, of figuring out this season. I have some control over those things, but

nothing will ever be without uncertainty. I need to stop living in fear of uncertainty, and learn to see the

possibilities laid out in front of me. Just learn to take it one day at a time.

  • Take opportunities as they come.

When I was viewing everything as temporary, I turned down a lot of opportunities because I didn’t

want to commit to something when I only planned on staying here temporarily. Now that I’m working

and looking to put down roots, the opportunities are not as scary. I’m figuring out more of my place

in the world.

  • Be intentional with the people God has placed in my circle of influence.

Part of being anchored and putting down roots is the people alongside you. God has called me to this

place and put people in my life. I desire as I learn to be content to be intentional with those walking to my

left or right. Even those walking the journey behind me have a story to tell, they just need someone to listen.

Honestly, I’m thinking of my small group girls. I saw one at church today. Her face brightened up with a huge

smile when she saw me. God placed me as a leader in her life. I’m not able to be a faithful leader in her life

and the lives of the other girls without the strength of God.

Step Off The Ledge

So.

I’ve been challenged this week on taking risks. I tend to play it safe when it comes to certain things. I tend to stay inside my comfort zone-willing everything to stay the same.

God is not about letting everything stay the same.

Following God means taking risks. If you don’t take risks, you’ll never understand and experience  the presence, power, and peace of God.

Sure, if you take the risk, it very well could end badly, but it might end up being SO much more than you expected. You don’t know if you never tried.

I had a boy in swim lessons this week say, “I’m terrible.” He proceeded to pout and cross his arms. “I quit.”

I looked him square in the eyes and said, “The only true way to fail is to not try or quit.”

Oftentimes, we are like that boy. We pout and won’t take the risk because it’s scary stepping of that ledge into the unknown. We like our comfy lives, just the way it is.

Sometimes, God upends our comfy lives. When we get a semblance of order in our lives, we cling to it, like a little clings to a safety blanket. We fear chaos again.

I know I did.

Life has been pretty good lately.

Too good. Or so I think.

I keep waiting for the other foot to drop. At the same time, I find myself clinging to what I do have afraid that it will get ripped from me again.

I’ve fallen in love with the littles at school.

I’ve found my corner of the world-right now. I’m content.

I was challenged this week to keep taking risks strategically. Keep pushing my limits for God because He has shown me again and again that He does more.

He continually bursts-like fireworks-out of every box I try to put Him in. Even this year, He did more than I ever expected-allowing me to go to Ukraine and fall in love with the littles at school. I returned to driving. I crossed oceans by myself and added two new countries to my passport. I grew closer to Him as He sought my heart. I returned to swimming.

Like my Mom reminded me tonight, it’s like God’s provision and goodness is like a rope tied around our waist. The other end is tied around a tree, but the only way we feel the tension on the rope is if we step off the edge.

It’s the same with God. The only way we are going to see-like really see God’s goodness-is if we step out into the unknown and step off the ledge.

That’s my prayer for the last month and a half of 2018 and the beginning of 2019.

Let go of whatever is holding you back and step of the ledge with me.