Tag: trials

When God is not afraid of emotions but people are

Posted on by fearlessatheart

When things aren’t going well, people like to pretend they are. Honestly, most people ask you how you are doing, but do not want to hear the honest answer, “Life stinks. Honestly, I’m depressed.” It shatters the illusion that everything is good. Or at least it seems that way, when they are taken aback by your honesty. 

Social media plays into this mentality by showing us the perfect aspects of life-the perfect moments frozen in time before life happens again.

There are good things in the chaos, but it’s okay to admit that this situation stinks and God is good. Both things can be true and both feelings can be valid.

A wise woman told me that it is okay to feel, but then we need to pull up our big girl panties and move forward. I keep learning this lesson.

I’ve been around this block before. And while I’m grateful for a lot of things, this season of a broken foot is really hard. I just want to be authentic-2 months of this is really hard. I hate being the center of attention but I’m pretty hard to miss with my boot AND my scooter. I hate relying on other people for basic needs. I can list several things about this season that stink and that’s okay. I’m not afraid of the dark clouds and the hardness of life. Life is hard. A broken foot is hard. It’s hard seeing others do the things that you can’t do. It’s okay to admit that. 

I think sometimes people want to fix what is broken or what they assume is broken, but really what people need is to be heard. The best friends are the ones that let you acknowledge the darkness, feel it, and then help you move on.

Life is hard. God is good. 

God isn’t afraid of emotion. He is not afraid of depression. The Psalms are filled with laments and praises. When Elijah was depressed, God didn’t yell at him, but rather sent comfort in the form of shelter, rest and nutrition.

He meets us where we are, but He doesn’t want us to stay there.

I’ll admit that this week has been hard. It’s been two months since I broke my foot and a month since surgery. I’m almost there, wherever there is, but it feels like it has been forever. I miss the sand between my toes, and the sun on my feet.

I also do not want to get my hopes up too much. Every appointment could be the one where my weight limit is changed, but on the other hand, it could be extended. I’m living in this limbo and that is super frustrating for a planner like me.

Every day is a good exercise of giving God control moment by moment. I guess that is the beauty of this season. Very few aspects of life right now require dependence on God. The bills are paid. The electricity is on. The water runs. We have food. We have shelter. Atlas and Sean are healthy. I am healthy besides my broken foot. I am really comfortable being self-sufficient, but God likes it when we are a little dependent on him. It’s not because He thinks we aren’t capable, but rather because He loves us. In a small way, I do things for Atlas. It doesn’t mean that I think he is incompetent, but rather because I love him and want the best for him.

In the same way, God wants the best for us and also, unlike me with Atlas, can do much more with us than we are able to do for ourselves.

In conclusion, I want you to know that it is okay for depression and gratitude to walk hand in hand. Honestly, gratitude helps the dark cloud to not get so big, but it is okay if life sucks but God is good. Also, I would encourage you to be honest with people when they ask you how you are doing. It’s actually refreshing not to have to spend that energy pretending everything is okay when it is not. At the same time, there is a time and a place for the full story. Maybe they don’t need the whole story of your depression, but it is okay to admit that you are not okay.

Boots and Crutches

Posted on by fearlessatheart

This has been the most trying season-and it’s only been a week.

One week. I don’t know how I’m going to make it 6 weeks. 

This season is hard-so hard-for many reasons.

  •  I have to depend on others for even the most basic things. It’s humbling. It brings life into perspective. I’ve been here before-after my accident-but it’s different this time. I’m used to being the one taking care of everyone and everything, not being the person that’s being helped. I have a husband and son depending on me which makes this season that much harder.
  • I miss work. I’m getting stir crazy doing less because I physically cannot do more. I love my job in that every day I get the privilege to be a part of people’s stories-the hard and the holy. I dearly miss my coworkers. 
  • There’s few things that I can do around the house which means everything including Atlas is falling on my husband. He has tackled this season with grace and patience. He has embraced taking care of me. I chose a good one 🙂

There have also been sweet moments. 

  • Forced rest. I have been going a mile a minute since before Atlas was born. It seems like a higher power decided that I needed to take a break and not do everything at once.
  • I actually can spend a little bit more time working on school and my internship. I’m learning a lot towards my degree and life. Learning never stops even when you break your foot.
  • God loves you through simple things like His church bringing by meals. I know there is a lot of pressure to go on the mission field, and I support missions, but there is subtle grace in supplying people with dinner. This season has been rough but the church has surrounded us. Maybe missional living is just doing the next right thing with eyes open to see the needs of your neighbor. 
  • Atlas has been surprisingly gentle. He doesn’t understand why mama can’t pick him up or chase him, but he love the knee scooter and he has gently patted “mama’s boot”.

Forced Rest due to a broken foot

Posted on by fearlessatheart

I broke my foot and not in any really cool way. It was a perfect storm and I placed my foot in the wrong place at the wrong time. I felt so embarrassed, but oh well. 

I earned myself a boot and non-weight bearing status for at least 6 weeks. Not how I envisioned ending the summer but we pivot our plans. Life is messy.

Yesterday, I was digging myself a hole of woe is me when a friend reminded me to look at the good things. Maybe someone up in heaven really thought that I could benefit from slowing down. I think He could have been a little less dramatic, but in all honesty, I don’t 100 percent know that I would have listened. I’m stubborn that way, but my stubbornness has gotten me this far. 

It has only been less than 48 hours since I was told that I couldn’t use my right leg for the time being if I wanted to avoid surgery. I’ve already learned a few things.

  1. Using crutches is a lot harder than it looks and actually takes some fínese. It uses muscles that I didn’t know existed. It takes coordination and balance. 
  2. The flamingo look is in. 
  3. God meets you where you are at and if you have eyes to see then you will see the way He loves you sweetly. This is not where I desire to be. My leg hurts, my soul feels trapped, and I don’t like staying still. But there is beauty in slowing down-chocolate from a best friend, flowers from a sweet aunt, parents that babysit the wild child, and a husband that worries/loves you. 
  4. God desires our attention. He desires and deserves our attention. When life gets busy, it’s easy to put my attention on different things. Now, I’m literally stuck in bed and there is nowhere to look but up.
  5. Sometimes, it is okay-necessary-to accept help. Most times, people offer to help because they care and you are not a burden for accepting it. One cannot survive life on their own, but together-hand in hand-we can thrive. I am usually the one offering the help, and it’s really humbling to literally need help to get up the stairs, but that’s the best form of life-a give and take. No one is better.

Yes, life doesn’t look anything like I pictured it a week ago, but life can be beautiful in the hard and the holy. Here’s me living my best flamingo life spotting the coolest fashion in the form of a CAM boot and knee scooter. 

Living and Loving with a Brain Injury

Posted on by fearlessatheart

I’m going to be honest and vulnerable here and that terrifies me, but I hope that my words will help someone not feel alone in their chaos.

It has been almost 8 years since the worst day of my life-the day my life changed. Now don’t hear what I’m not saying. I really like the direction my life is heading right now, but I could live without the constant pain, increased self-consciousness, and occasional migraines.

That’s life now. I’ve had to adjust my expectations of how my day to day life will go. I need to get enough sleep, eat enough, manage my stress, and pace myself. Oftentimes, I’m very self-conscious of my deficits and wonder if people hold them against me. Honestly, sometimes I bring it up to explain why I’m so weird, just like I  often brought up living overseas when I moved back. I deal with a lot of insecurity and inadequacy from my brain injury.  For all intents and purposes, I’m healed. I’m a nurse, wife, mother, and student. I’m definitely not there yet, but I feel like I’m doing okay. On the other hand, I struggle with my limitations and feel like I have to prove myself that much more to show people that I have got it and that I’m smart even though my brain shuts down every so often.

The problem comes when I “forget” that I have a brain injury and try to go forward with life as a “typical” 30 year old. My brain injury has the final say in that I get a migraine for 24 hours during a big week. I forget that I’m not a typical 30 year old mom. I get overstimulated really fast and my brain can’t filter out anything. Then I get caught up in my brain and struggle because I feel like everyone is seeing the chaos that is going on in my head and ultimately judging me for it. 

If you are living with any kind of brain injury or are interacting with someone who is living with a brain injury, here are some tips that I have learned especially over the past month.

  1. Be patient: (with yourself and others). We are doing the best we can. Words sometimes get caught in our heads. If you give us time and space, we will find the words and are sometimes pretty eloquent. Be patient with yourself if you are living with a brain injury. You have overcome so much (stuff people can’t see) to get where you are. I promise that you are harder on yourself than other people are. You see and know everything that goes on in your head, while they only see the outward signs. Also, remember, “those who matter don’t care, and those who care don’t matter”- Dr. Seuss
  1. Give yourself (and others) freedom to be themselves. I don’t know about you but I think life would be pretty boring if everyone was exactly the same. Different is good. Normal is overrated. Everyone has their own brand of normal and that’s okay. You do not know what is going through someone’s head at any given moment. Maybe that look that you spot that makes you feel like they are judging you for something, you have it wrong. Maybe people are laughing at you, maybe they are not. Be you and be you bravely. 

This are just a few thoughts from the last couple of months as I wrestle with almost 8 years of living with a brain injury. Now I feel like I have to clarify, I don’t want this to feel like I’m feeling sorry for myself. I like my life. Do I want anyone to go through this? No. But if talking about this and some of the struggles that I experience helps someone else, then it is worth it. Here is my final thought. Simply be kind. You don’t know what demons people have or are wrestling with

Atlas’s Birth

Posted on by fearlessatheart

Here’s the details of Atlas’s birth. Some of you probably know bits and pieces of it but I wanted to write/remember the entirety of it so here it is. You all didn’t really ask for it, but here you go.

I was diagnosed with preeclampsia without severe effects around 35 weeks of pregnancy. Basically it was just high blood pressure but it was enough that they moved up my C-section date. I decided to go with a C-section initially because of the screws in my pelvis from my car accident. Anyways, my doctor wanted to do the c-section because of my high blood pressure at 37 weeks but she was ok as long as nothing severely changed waiting until 37 weeks and 6 days. Fast forward to my last prenatal appointment before my scheduled C-section. My blood pressure was up so they sent me over to labor and delivery for labs. One of the labs was elevated so they decided to keep me overnight for observation with the plan for the section the next morning but with the knowledge that if anything changes overnight they would most likely end up taking him out. 

We ended up having a decent night at the hospital even though the meds they gave me to sleep made me jittery and they were waking me up every couple of hours to do vitals and non stress tests to monitor the baby. The C-section went as planned the next morning and Atlas Kane Strader was born at 958 weighing 6lbs 9 ounces. After they took care of him and closed me up, we were on our way to recovery. Atlas’s temperature was a bit low so the nurse ended up checking his sugar. It was only 21 and they typically like it to be over 60. They gave him the yummy glucose gel after they got some blood. The lab test showed a sugar of 18. He ended up getting some donor milk because my milk hadn’t come in yet. Then started the process of me pumping every couple of hours to give him what I had pumped plus donor milk after they drew his blood sugar. All this was happening while the anesthesia and spinal was wearing off and my incision was starting to hurt more. There was just a lot going on but I felt super supported by the doctors and nurses. 

Fast forward to about 4 am. Atlas was due for a feeding so the nurse got a blood sugar before. It read 39. I was in the process of feeding him the little bit I had pumped when the nurse came back and said that the lab test came back at 24 and the doctor wanted him started on IV dextrose. I knew and had worked with the pediatric doctor on but nothing prepared me for the amount of fear I had in turning my baby over to the nurse. I knew the doctor had Atlas’s best interests at heart and was really good, but it was my heart outside my body that I was handing over. He ended up staying in the special care nursery all Wednesday through Thursday morning. 

Shortly after he was taken to the nursery, my nurse helped me figure out how to walk to the bathroom by myself and took out my catheter. Now I was free to visit my baby in the nursery whenever I could. We ended up being in the hospital a total of 4 days after the C-section. The birth in and of itself wasn’t traumatic but the weird unexpected things that happened after threw me for a loop. In that though, I can see God’s hand in everything from giving the recovery nurse the premonition to check a blood sugar to the proactiveness of the whole team involved to care for both our physical needs and emotional needs as my hormones are going haywire being separated from my baby.

Atlas Kane has lived up to his name as a warrior from the very beginning of his beautiful life. May he continue to live up to his name and fight for the One who created him.

Brain Injury awareness

Posted on by fearlessatheart

March is Brain Injury Awareness month. 

I really didn’t think I would still be struggling with things six years later. But here we are, six years later and migraines still knock me for a loop.

I’m just going to be honest here…My brain injury has complicated this pregnancy season. It has made my “normal” TBI symptoms of migraines, forgetfulness, and brain fog worse. Now I’m 4 days away from meeting my little love, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. This season has been trying and my brain injury making it a bit more complicated, but this little life inside of me is going to make everything worth it. Migraines like that are fewer and far between, but now they knock me for a loop because I’m not expecting them. It’s times like this that I want so much to be normal, but then I remember that this thing doesn’t take away from me, but rather it adds. I’m who I am now because of it. Here’s a few things to consider as you interact with people with known or unknown head trauma.

  1. Every injury is different. You may know someone who had a brain injury, but that does not mean you know this new person’s story. I get that you are trying to relate, but better than jumping in, listen. Their story may surprise you.
  2. Just because we think differently, don’t think we are stupid. Can I be really vulnerable? This is one of my biggest fears. On bad brain days, when the words get caught more often than naught, I fear that people will think that I’m incompetent. I know I shouldn’t care this much about what people think, but I’ve worked my butt off to get to where I am. So yes, I probably care too much about what people think and honestly, words might get caught in my head but I know that I’m just as smart if not more than I was before my accident.
  3. “Invisible” disabilities are still disabilities. Just because you can’t see everything a person is going through or what is exactly happening in their body, it doesn’t mean it’s not happening.

These are just a few ways that you can accept a person with a brain injury! Thanks for reading my thoughts!

Enough Rest

Posted on by fearlessatheart

This year my word was enough. This coming year-2022-the word that has been stuck in my head is rest.

Enough rest. Now that has a ring to it-especially after this year.

Rest. 

What is rest?

Rest according to the definition is: “cease work or movement in order to relax, refresh oneself, or recover strength.” 

I am a definite  overachiever. Rest is not in my typical vocabulary. I need to make it more common. What I’m learning lately is that in order to be the best daughter, wife, friend, and nurse, I need to rest. It is not suggested. It is required.

Rest.

This is an area that I strive to be better in.This year I want to make that the essence of this year.. I want to come out of a space of rest instead of a place of busyness. I want to encapsulate my productivity within rest instead of vice versa.

In a culture that elevates busyness, it takes courage to rest-to step back and take care of yourself. Always being on the goal takes a toll on body and soul. Here are a few of the ways that I want to be intentional about rest in this new year.

  • Limit social media: sometimes, social media is nice, but other times, it is draining even in the calmness. It stresses my emotions because it impedes my desire for contentment.
  • Get more sleep: I work nights which means my sleep schedule is crazy. People want to do things at 10 am after I’ve worked. I say yes because I don’t want to disappoint people. I aspire to choose those moments wisely and learn to say no.
  • Spend time with restful people: There are certain people in my life that are restful and I can sit with them and do nothing. Those are the people I should spend more time with.
  • Incorporate an afternoon a week and a day a month of rest into my schedule.

This isn’t exhaustive, but these are a few of the things that I hope to implement in 2022.

Behold Our God

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Behold Our God.

 

To be honest, we sang this song this morning.

I was undone. 

I pictured God-the Creator of the Universe-seated on His throne in all its grandeur, but still caring about my small, minuscule dream to return to hospital nursing.

I pictured how blown away and astonished the disciples were to see Jesus standing in front of them after 3 days before they had seen him broken and beaten, hanging on the cross.

Overwhelmed, I sang “You will reign forever (Let Your glory fill the earth)” 

I was overwhelmed by God in that oftentimes, I show up to the throne room with a list of requests and petitions.

 

“God, can you……”

“If you love me, you’ll….”

“God, please,….”

 

I forget to simply just let Him be God. I was overwhelmed this morning-to the point of tears-realizing that even though the past couple weeks were hard, God had in grand ways answered all the prayers of my soul-even the ones I dared not utter out loud.

He opened (and continues to open) doors for me to go back to hospital nursing.

He brought someone into my life to calm my anxious soul and who pursues me with such grace and patience. This special person encourages my seemingly crazy thoughts and pursuits as I strive to figure out this new Sara that he loves.

He showed me my corner of the world and made me realize that Mansfield needs Him just as much as the places I’d dreamed of. He didn’t take them off the table, but rather He changed my heart and eyes to see Him in the seemingly mundane.

This is the God that I worship. 

This God who is seated grandly on His throne in heaven, but still cares about the seemingly minuscule desires of my heart.

This God-who is Creator of the Universe-deserves to simply be beheld in all His glory.

“Behold our God seated on His throne

Come, let us adore Him

Behold our King! Nothing can compare

Come, let us adore Him!”

 

This is something I was reminded to make time for. Time to just bask in the awesomeness of God. Time to sit at His feet and worship Him for all the things He has done and will do.

If you need me, I’ll be over here overwhelmed by the goodness of God. I’ll be over here beholding my God who as done over and beyond what I prayed and wished for.

Prayers, Praises, and Pleas

Posted on by fearlessatheart

Prayer. What does that mean?

The dictionary defines prayer as “a solemn request for help or expression of thanks addressed to God or an object of worship”.

Often times, prayer is just a conversation with the Creator of the universe who humbles Himself to talk to you.

Have you ever thought about that? 

It’s really and truly remarkable that this powerful and wonderful Creator wants to have a relationship with you and with me.

Often times when I am in the pits of despair I don’t have the words to pray. Right after the accident, I couldn’t pray out loud because I was so grateful to God for saving me. I would start crying before I uttered the first words. I wasn’t ever able to collect my thoughts together, but I knew that Jesus knew.

HE KNEW.

He knew how hard it was to relearn everything. He knew how grateful I was for life, but how disappointed I felt about life not turning out my way.

He knew the depression, the joy, the relief, the anger and the vast array of emotions that floated through my head.

Even when things are going well, sometimes I can’t collect my thoughts. When things started moving fast towards this job at OhioHealth, my brain was spinning with all God was doing. While I didn’t have the words to put to my thoughts, Jesus knew.

He knew how overwhelmed I was about this chance. He knew the disbelief I felt because I had taken acute care off the table in my mind. He knew the paralyzing fear I felt about possibly failing.

HE KNEW.

How often do we not pray because the request seems too vast, too impossible, or too mundane? I’ve learned in the past 3 years to make room for prayer even if I don’t have words. The simple act of praising and spending time in the presence of the One who comforts me is enough. Albeit, if I have words, then I present them to God. If I don’t, I simply know that He knows and that comforts me.

Here I am, challenging you to join me in making room for the Creator of the universe in my mundane life. Let me encourage you that He knows your hurt, your heartbreak, your fears, your joys, and your excitements.

Follow Me.

Posted on by fearlessatheart

Recently, I was studying Mark 1.  In this section, Jesus is calling the fishermen to be his disciples. Mark 1:17 states, “ Then Jesus said to them, ‘Follow Me, and I will make you fishers of men.” It struck me because God’s simple command is to follow him, right here, right now. I think we make it complicated in our romanticizing of missions and “going”. We figure if you receive “the call”, you have to be going somewhere exotic to tell people about Jesus. That aspect of the call is honest more exciting, but what about the community you are placed in? The people in your scope of influence? Don’t they need Jesus also? Why are they seemingly sidelined in the hopes of the more extraordinary option of going to say Africa and “saving” people?

I’m guilty of this-oh so guilty.

Growing up, my life was missions so I glorified it in my own mind. I wouldn’t have ever said that I glorified the nomadic lifestyle of living and loving people different than me in a different culture, but I think the fact that I choose nursing because it was the quickest way to get me out of America speaks for itself. I thought God could use me better in Africa or South America. In saying that, don’t hear what I’m not saying. I’m not saying that overseas missions isn’t important. I’m saying be careful about glorifying overseas missions in your own heart and loving on littles in a different country when you would overlook them if they were in your own city. I’m saying the people in Mansfield are hurting and need Jesus just as much as the people in Abuja, Nigeria.

I really had to wrestle with that because, after my accident, I really believed God took overseas missions off the table. I was mad at God because it wasn’t like my plans were wrong-they were glorifying God. I shook my fists at God, thinking and shouting, “Why? My goal was to make your name known.”  Last year, I had the opportunity to go to Ukraine and this past spring, I went to the Dominican Republic. Those were neat opportunities, but through them, I realized that I’m content right here, right now. God was changing my heart to follow Him not a dream of overseas missions. I don’t know when it happened, but God was changing my heart to see that the people here need to know the love of Jesus-that they are more loved than they would ever know-just as much if not more than the littles in Africa.

Maybe cross-cultural missions long-term is still in my future someday-I truly hope it is deep down-but right now, I truly am okay here. I never thought I would hear myself say that, but in the depths of my soul, I truly am content being here-right here-and loving the people God brings into my life. The occasional trip to the Dominican or wherever God leads is food for my soul, but this is my corner of the world right now.    God is doing big things in little Mansfield, Ohio and He’s simply asking me to “Follow Him.” So if you need me, I’ll be here, in my corner of the world, simply loving people as Jesus would.